Is it possible to fall in love with someone else when you are married? What I mean is that I’ve heard a lot of people say that they fell in love with someone else while they were married, and I just don’t know if they really fell in love or if they were just unhappy in the marriage and used the relationship to cope.
I could definitely see how someone who was in a marriage and unhappy for a long time could possibly meet someone and think they fell in love. The person would have to have felt very alone for a long, long time and knew deep down that the marriage was not working and/or that the spouse was not the right person for him or her.
I could also see situations where the spouse is abusive, doesn’t treat the person well, is disrespectful, rude, ignores the person, doesn’t put any effort into the relationship, or is hard to live with by making the spouse leave and decide in their mind that the relationship is over even if they stay. So maybe they meet someone, start a relationship and fall in love.
All that said, I have to wonder, is falling in love with someone else when you’re married really? Is it possible to THINK it’s love, but in reality it’s lust, love, your newness, your loneliness, your happiness band?
I have to say, I think people who are married and think they are in love with the person they are cheating with are often fooling themselves. Why; Because they are in a no win situation. What I mean by that is, let’s say they decide to leave the wife to be with the person they think they are now in love with. It may feel amazing at first – a huge sense of relief that you are FINALLY with the right person.
But, as time passes, and the new becomes old, and both settle into the relationship and know the real versions of themselves (not the blindfolded lovers for the first couple of years), things change. Maybe the person who cheated and left for the other person is starting to realize that things at home weren’t so bad, that they miss the kids and the family. Perhaps the person begins to feel a little resentment towards the new person, as if he pushed them out of the marriage.
I’m not saying that falling in love with someone else when you’re married never works out. I’m just saying that if you’re reading this because you’re in this situation, think carefully before you decide to end things with your current husband. I can’t count the number of people I know who left their spouse for someone else and ended up divorced again. There are many. But, I also know couples who fell in love while one or both were married and are still with the new wife and say they are happy.
My advice is this: If you fall in love with someone while married and decide to leave the marriage to be with someone else, don’t stay married to that person for long. Staying single and just being in the relationship will really give you time to get to know the person when the two of you are not hiding, not sneaking around, and when the relationship is open. That way, if things don’t work out, you don’t have to go through divorce #2. Plus, not getting married right away will give you a chance to think about what went wrong in the first marriage (instead of rationalizing that he or she “just wasn’t the right person.” Being single for a while is also better for you guys .
Here is an email I received from a woman who said she is in love with someone else and is married:
My husband and I are both in our forties. We have a seven year old. We have some major compatibility issues in my eyes. He disagrees. I’ve tried to talk to him in multiple capacities since our daughter was born, and it took me telling him I was considering a divorce for him to take it seriously.
We’ve really built a great life together, but it’s more about our home, neighborhood, financial security, and what he doesn’t do (cheating, lying, etc.) than what he does (participate). I love and respect him as a person and he states that I would “crush” him and he would be “devastating”. I love him as a person, but he feels more like a brother. But here is the worst part. I met someone. I think I’m falling in love. So what do you do when you fall in love with someone when you’re married?
Advice for that woman who falls in love while married:
Here’s what he wants to do to her at the wedding:
1. There are no real negotiators here. No cheating, no mental or physical abuse, no addictions, etc.
2. “We’ve built a wonderful life together.”
3. “I love and respect him as a person.”
5. “I love this man as a person.”
I’m not going to minimize her feelings. If he feels like a brother, that’s a problem. If they both have different parenting philosophies, that’s a problem. If he’s bored, that’s a problem. BUT…..there is so much good in the relationship, I think she owes it to herself and her husband to try to work on healing.
Here’s the thing about falling in love while married. I think it’s easy to “click” with someone at the beginning of a relationship, and outside of sex, it really, really clouds good judgment. We are people with needs and this woman felt lonely and needed to escape. But, I think it takes at least a few years to really get to know someone. Well, I don’t know how she’s going to feel about this guy down the road. Everything in a new relationship seems happy – for a long time.
My advice to her is that there are a number of things that make sense. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be with this other guy, but before she decides divorce is the best option, I would go to some therapy sessions with her husband. They probably won’t do any good or change her mind at this point. Love and lust are very powerful, especially at the beginning of a relationship. But at least if he goes, he can say he tried and never have to wonder. It can also be a safe place to tell the husband about this other man. And, it shows the husband that he tried.
Another option is to split up and give each other some space. Maybe date this other guy for a while – maybe give it a few months and reassess how he feels. Again, the husband may meet someone and if he tries to get back together, he may now want to. The third option is, be done with this new guy. This is the only real way she can give her marriage a fair shot. But honestly, most people in this situation are too far gone. By the time they fall in love with someone, it’s too late.
In closing, here are some options:
1. End the relationship (I know it’s not easy.)
Go to therapy with your ex and really give marriage a try. If she doesn’t make it, the guy she loves might still be there waiting or he won’t be. I guess this will be her least favorite choice.
2. Go to therapy.
Either alone and/or with spouse. Maybe tell him in this safe space about the man he’s falling for and see how he responds.
3. Separate without proceeding with divorce.
Take some space, date the man you’re falling in love with. See what happens. But, don’t expect the husband to wait. He will date too, and when that door opens, anything is possible.
This situation is so difficult. I’m sure this woman is hurting, confused and scared. But staying in an unhappy relationship isn’t good for anyone, cheating isn’t good, and having unrealistic expectations of the new guy isn’t smart either.
I think being married to someone and living with someone for a long time can start to drive people crazy. Marriage is hard! It needs work. And this can be the case with the man she falls in love with. But, she won’t know for several more years if she chooses to be with him.
That’s the point. New love always has an edge, because in our minds, the idea of how the relationship will turn out will always be much better than the current marriage. Marriage cannot compete with the fantasy the cheater has in his or her mind about how amazing the new relationship will be. I’m not saying it won’t turn out amazing, but rather that the brain has a way of projecting that it will be happy, and it doesn’t always happen. And this is why 70% of second marriages end in divorce.
