“In sickness and in health” is part of classic wedding vows for a reason. Committing to someone means promising to stick with them through everything, through good times and bad. When it comes to health issues—an inevitable challenge that every couple will face at some point—you may be their only source of support, or vice versa.
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Of course, this is easier in theory than in practice. Health problems can be a huge source of stress and marriages often run into rocky waters when one partner is suffering. However, which partner makes a big difference. According to a study in the journal Cancerwhen a woman is a cancer or multiple sclerosis patient, it is six times more likely to separate or divorce soon after diagnosis compared to when the man is the patient. In other words, women are statistically more willing to do the work of caring for a sick partner. men, not so much.
It is a situation a woman on Reddit is very familiar with. A few years ago she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and her husband responded by cheating on her while she was in treatment. (Wow, we love him already.) Our OP (aka the original poster, or the person who wrote the post) took him back after, but now her husband is the one with health issues and all sorts of feelings for OP us — namely, that she’s not so sure she wants to be in this wedding after all, and Reddit is seeing where she’s coming from. Read on for the full story and Reddit’s response.
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A benign tumor
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OP’s husband recently had a cancer scare after discovering what turned out to be a benign tumor. According to the doctor, they were lucky. if it was cancerous (which it still could be), “he probably would have ended up bedridden and needed my care,” OP wrote.
OP’s husband he thanked her for “stuck by his side” through the stressful situation, which makes O.P. “sick with guilt, because I don’t want to stay.”
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OP’s husband betrayed her
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That’s when the OP shared her side of the story. She had ovarian cancer a few years ago and instead of receiving support and care from her husband, she found out he was cheating on her. “She cried and begged for forgiveness,” OP writes.
He says he thought he could get over it and that their marriage would be stronger because of it, especially since men cheating is common in OP’s family background. “My mom stayed with my cheating dad and even took my half-brother,” she explains.
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OP Reevaluates
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It is heard that OP’s husband he’s made some effort since then, and says he’s been a “great husband” since his cheating was revealed. But his health scare puts things into perspective for the OP. “I’m looking to take care of someone who couldn’t take care of me. Who cheated me instead of helping me,” he writes. “My mom had to help me wipe my ass because I couldn’t do it. And he was cheating.”
Yeah… we see where he’s coming from. As OP says, he can and has taken care of people he’s loved in the past, “but I can’t do it for him.”
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Upset
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Now, OP feels like a “terrible person” and also wonders why a health scare ended up being the trigger for these feelings after she thought she had gone ahead with his cheating. “Why do I feel betrayed now? Why would I want to leave when he’s potentially the most vulnerable?’
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Reddit’s answer
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The OP posted her story and questions on Reddit’s r/relationship_advice forum for some input, and Redditors were quick to empathize with her experience.
“You’re not a horrible person for helping him through one of the hardest times of his life and realizing that when it was your turn he wasn’t there for you before,” wrote the top commenter with 4.7k upvotes. “You’re not awful to want to leave someone who doesn’t have your back while you’re willing to have theirs.” They emphasized that OP she no longer trusts her husband to be there for her because he wasn’t when she needed him most. “You’re a better person to him than he is to you, and you no longer respect him for that,” they said, adding that it was “perfectly valid” for OP to leave.
The OP responded to that commenter, thanking them for their input and agreeing with their assessment. “I just wonder if my cancer somehow came back, would he take care of me? … Because last time, he just cheated instead.” He’s “stuck” in the belief that if he was a good wife, he wouldn’t cheat on her — and it seems he’s starting to realize that he was never a good wife at all. (As another commenter said, “men don’t cheat because of their women, they cheat because they’re cheaters… You’re leaving because his fear made you realize you’re not in love with him anymore, which is a perfectly valid reason to break up.” )
Another commenter noted that this health scare was essentially “a wake-up call,” while others encouraged the OP to be with someone “faithful and honest” and that it was completely understandable for her to be triggered by an emotional situation of her own. cancer experience. “Even though the roles were reversed, it still brings so much trauma to the surface to walk the same steps,” wrote one Redditor. Now the OP knows she’s not over the cheating, they added, which makes perfect sense. “At this point the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. If that means leaving, then that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
We think this commenter is on the right track. It’s devastating to realize that your partner won’t reciprocate the love and effort you give them, especially when they fail when you need them most. In those moments, it’s easy to see why someone like the OP would respond by holding on even tighter to the person who hurt them. she was going through an incredibly difficult time and leaving the man she loved (even after he hurt her) probably felt like a step too far.
But after all these years to think, and a similar situation to bring up the feelings again, she realizes that she deserves better than someone who would abandon her when she needed help. We definitely support OP leaving her husband whenever she is ready to do so.
