6 minutes reading
Why do people fake orgasms? Well, there are many reasons. And it’s also very common, research shows 28% of people in the United States have difficulty achieving an orgasm.
So, if you’re confused and wondering why anyone would ever fake an orgasm (or why you fake your orgasm), know that there are many possible answers. And as a sex therapist and coach, I will help you understand all of this.
Because faking an orgasm isn’t evil or manipulative—it’s a response to sexual norms.
Why do people fake orgasms?
Whether the faking is about yourself or your partner – it’s often multi-layered. Just like so many other sexual snafus and difficulties, there is rarely one strong reason, but rather a combination. These reasons even differ depending on the person you are having sex with.
1. Don’t want to hurt your partner
Sex is a shared experience, and sometimes a vulnerable one. So part of why we get stuck faking orgasms is because we don’t want to hurt our sexual partner.
We want the person we sleep with to feel that they are good in bed and that our experience with them was worth it. Not having an orgasm means not fulfilling society’s ideals of what “successful” sex looks like.
You see, orgasm is often thought of as the pinnacle of pleasure. At that moment we all have to try. For many people, sex is considered completely unsatisfying without it. Or as if the pleasure didn’t happen at all, even though the orgasm is just seconds of a larger experience.
While there’s nothing wrong with trying to orgasm every time you have sex, it’s easy for sex to become one-dimensional if you do. Like a race to the finish instead of a journey to be enjoyed.
If your partner feels the same way about orgasms – it’s natural to worry that they’ll feel hurt if you don’t come. And so you turn to faking orgasms to protect them. And in a way – to protect yourself from this difficult conversation.
2. You want the sex to end
Sometimes sex isn’t so great. In fact, many people I talk to tell me that sex doesn’t feel like anything anymore, or that they’re overwhelmed by sexual boredom.
Sometimes, it’s not just that sex is sluggish – you may even feel pain during sex. It makes sense then to want the sex to end. And what better way to signal to your partner that you’re done than by seemingly coming?
If orgasms are viewed by society as the natural end of sex, faking orgasms will be an easy shortcut to use. Besides, you don’t risk hurting your partner and the experience ends quickly, right?
The downside, however, is that your partner doesn’t learn how to actually do it I make, I do orgasm (or helps you get there). Over time, this means they’ll likely keep doing the same things, thinking it’ll get you there while you’re still bored or uncomfortable.
To get to a place where sex ends in satisfaction and not because of a fake orgasm, your partner needs to know what to do.
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3. Ashamed, you cannot come
Because orgasms are considered so important to the sexual experience, we may feel ashamed not to have them. Many times sexual difficulties, such as not having orgasms, having erections, or not being in the mood for sex, make us feel like we are broken.
When the culture around us tells us that “everyone is coming” and that it’s supposed to be easy – it makes sense that our lack of orgasm causes us distress.
But the thing is, there are probably very good reasons why you’re not having an orgasm.
Maybe you’re stressed and can’t get out of your mind during sex. Maybe you’re turned off and annoyed with your partner who seems to only want to have vaginal sex. Or you focus so hard on orgasm that the pressure it causes pushes your orgasm further and further away.
Whatever the reason – figuring out why it’s not happening will save you a lot of angst. And they put you on the path to getting more of them.
4. To boost your partner’s confidence
Not only are orgasms considered sexually “necessary,” but we often attribute them to our partner. While it’s certainly true that we can be pretty good in bed, orgasms aren’t just something your partner makes happen for you.
You are also responsible for your own pleasure. This means finding out what turns you on, exploring what kind of touch you enjoyand what are your most erogenous zones.
So while many partners may take it personally when you can’t come – it’s not just about them.
In fact, I would argue that your orgasm is all about you. Because your partner is putting pressure on you to come because it’s a source of his confidence – it negates your orgasm point in the first place.
Your pleasure is for you and for you to share together – it’s not about the other person.
5. You know you won’t have an orgasm this time
Sometimes we can be doing all the right things, in the best places, really turned on, and yet we just can’t come.
Even if you tend to orgasm, this may be one of those rare times when you fake an orgasm. Because deep down you just know it’s not going to happen.
And let’s face it – you might feel uncomfortable sharing this information with your partner.
Because, as mentioned earlier, we are often afraid of hurting our partner’s feelings. We don’t want them to feel inadequate or like they’re not performing. So the seemingly easiest way out is currently false.
And sometimes, that’s totally okay.
6. It’s hard to talk about sex
Above all, there is a unifying principle that unites all the reasons for faking an orgasm. difficulty talking about sex;
Why, you may ask? Well, because you’re either faking it to avoid hurting your partner, to feel a sense of normalcy, or to stop sex because it’s just not worth it – you avoid talking about it.
This, like all the other reasons, makes perfect sense. Of course it’s awkward to talk about. Especially if you are afraid of your partner’s reaction. But as with all things sex – communication usually makes it that much better.
If you want to put an end to your fake orgasms and enjoy real pleasure, a crucial step will be to talk about sex.
Share what you enjoy in bed.
What you want most.
What really gets you going.
Maybe even what alienates you or what feels uncomfortable and painful.
It’s hard to change things in a meaningful way without sharing those things. And most importantly, the more you talk about sex the better sex you’ll have for years to come (no pun intended!).
Because the more you talk, the more you can explore, the more you can develop sexually. Sex happens more exciting when you learn how to talk about it – no less exciting.
What do false orgasms lead to?
Faking an orgasm is a common way of handling something that is annoying, uncomfortable, or just plain boring.
The important thing to know is that if you want to enjoy sex more – fake orgasms probably won’t get you there. It risks entrenching sexual behaviors and patterns in your partner that lead you nowhere. And at the end of the day, learning how to come is a skill that can be acquired, just like any other!
Because there’s nothing wrong with you that you can’t orgasm.
