Let’s imagine a scenario. Enjoying a chat with someone you met on a dating app. You guys are discussing where to go on your first date. They offer coffee.
How would you answer?
Some people think coffee dates are cheap and low effort. others think they are fine. But unfortunately, this is just one of many instances in the current age of online dating where we haven’t quite figured out how to navigate.
Other areas of ambiguity and controversy:
What is an appropriate first date?
How long should you chat before you take it to a face-to-face meeting?
Should you check the person via video call before meeting?
In navigating this uncertain, confusing, and sometimes treacherous terrain of online dating and making your experience that much more bearable, I’m sharing some tips on what has worked for me in my online dating experience.
#1 Cut back on texting. take it face to face
Personally, a two week window is just enough time to see if the texting chemistry is going well enough that I’d like to take it over a bit and meet up in person.
If someone is uncomfortable meeting so soon, there are also phone call or video call options. But ultimately, these choices will have to become an in-person encounter at some point.
Why;
Some people are amazing texters – confident and witty over text, but completely different in person. There’s always room for preparation and editing with readers, less so when you’re dealing with a living, breathing person and where interactions are spontaneous.
Meetings in person also offer clues about someone that technology can never replicate – body language, how they treat people around you, chemistry and whether you both have a vibe.
Another purpose of meeting in person is to weed out the “forever ads”, those who have absolutely no intention of ever meeting. They’d rather spend so much time typing pages of text than chatting.
I find these guys to be relationship avoiders and time wasters who have little to no intention of ever making things hard.
#2 Keep the first date quick and cheap (hence the coffee)
This serves two purposes.
It not only helps to lighten the atmosphere of the date – which can cause anxiety and stress. But it also allows you to get to know the person without the pressure of sitting through a large meal or event.
When things go wrong, a coffee date makes it easier for the night to end quickly and go our separate ways. But if you have a long dinner and your date is annoying, you’re stuck with them. leaving is not so easy.
Is there also the issue of cost? Coffee dates are a lower financial investment, which might not feel so bad if the date doesn’t turn out bad.
#3 Check your comfort levels and limits
I always wanted to be wary of two things on dates – where they took me and what they discussed. Sometimes it’s incredibly easy to be lulled into a false sense of comfort, especially if you have good vibes with your date – some of them take advantage of that.
I’ve had dates that seemed like gentlemen, but I’d suggest meeting up late at night in poorly lit areas and others that I brought up sexually just 20 minutes into the date, even though they said they weren’t looking for a hookup.
It can feel hard to leave situations like this, especially if you’re in the middle of a meal (hence why coffee dates always work!). But what I have found works is to call out the behavior and tell them to stop.
This may sound paranoid to some, but we don’t know this person at all, so we have to be very careful. We may feel good about them, but they are still practically strangers.
#4 If you don’t feel it, don’t push it
I know people who went on dates with people they weren’t really attracted to, but they did it because the person was “good” and they should like them. I think what’s really “nice” is letting the person know you don’t feel the same way and freeing you both up to date other people who might be a better fit.
You can’t force yourself to have feelings for others, and going on a date when you’re not vibrating with someone will leave you feeling empty after a while.
conclusion
Online dating is here to stay, and as we try to figure out what is acceptable dating behavior, we can all keep a few things in mind to make our experiences more enjoyable and safe. It’s also worth paying attention to our date’s behavior and seeing if it aligns with what we’re looking for in a partner.
Sonia Alonso is a researcher, writer and coach, with an MSc in Psychology and Mental Health from King’s College London. She helps curious, sensitive individuals reclaim their personal power and come closer to their dream life through a unique combination of spiritual and psychological tools. He recently published a book, Breaking Up with Limerence. Her books and coaching services can be found on her website, abstractedcollective.com
