Sandy and Frank both grew up in separated families. So they both committed to learning how to enjoy a loving marriage.
The couple spent six weeks in premarital counseling with their pastor before tying the knot. Equipped with biblical principles for a happy marriage, they were convinced that they would be happy.
During their first year, Sandy and Frank were happy. However, as life’s responsibilities pressed in, their relationship became strained.
In later years, life became more about completing tasks, paying bills, and taking care of the children. Amidst piles of laundry and squad cars, they found that striving for a happy marriage had become a low priority to the immediate pressures of life.
“Angry” wasn’t the word Sandy would have used to describe her feelings towards Frank, but she had certainly developed a habit of answering him in a curt and irritated tone. Frank knew he wasn’t living up to Sandy’s expectations – the harder he tried, the less adequate he felt.
So Frank retired to his workplace where he felt approved and accepted. Unwittingly, Frank was responding to the stress of his marriage the way he had observed his father react – right before his parents divorced.
Frank’s concerns grew, but he refused to seek any guidance. Not wanting people to know he was struggling, Frank put on a happy face on Sundays, but avoided socializing with others – so they wouldn’t see his face.
Sandy on the other hand, was painfully aware of the struggles they had at home. When she pressed Frank to talk about it, it only angered him and caused a fight. So Sandy turned her attention to the children. While she found a sense of fulfillment in raising the children, she knew there was a big hole in their marriage and had no idea what to do about it.
Maybe you can relate to this couple’s story. Over the many years my husband and I have walked couples through biblical marriage counseling, this scenario is all too familiar.
What is the problem? And what help can we offer to couples like the one who fill our pews every Sunday at church? What is the answer to the question: Why is my Christian marriage not working?
Let’s unpack this question – will we?
What went wrong?
Do you remember the woman you wanted to be? You know, the one who would be such an encouragement and joy to your husband. The one who promised to “love, honor and cherish” the man of your dreams.
How are you? Are you living up to your own expectations – let alone your spouse’s? Has your husband measured up to be the husband you hoped he would be? Both husband and wife enter into a marriage with expectations. In my book IF MY HUSBAND CHANGED I WOULD BE HAPPY & other myths husbands believe I share this knowledge:
The danger of unrealistic expectations
One of the biggest threats to a happy marriage is when one or both parties have unrealistic expectations of each other. When these expectations are not met, you may feel betrayed.
When my expectations of my husband were not met, I remember feeling betrayed because he had promised to always make me happy. How absorbed I was then.
God used my disappointment to show me my selfish heart. Have you ever had expectations come crashing down around you when reality sets in? How did this experience make you feel? Let’s talk for a moment about how disappointment turns into disappointment.
You may feel betrayed when you realize that the man you married is not who you thought he was. If you’ve been married for a while, I’m sure by now you have your own secret list of things you wish you could change about your spouse.
Have you considered that your husband might have his own secret list of disappointments for you too? Instead of dwelling on what you wish your husband would change, what if you instead worked to become the woman your husband hoped he would be––the wife you wanted to be––the day you said, “I do ».
In over 30 years of ministry, Steve and I have heard countless couples reveal how disappointed they were in the person they married. Whenever a wife can convince her husband to come to marriage counseling, she often secretly says to herself, “Oh well. Now my husband will discover all the ways he needs to change to be a better husband – to make me happy.”
Can I tell you a little secret? Looking to your man to make you happy is an unfair expectation.
No matter how “perfect” it is, it will never bring you true joy. Because the purpose for which you exist is not to find happiness in your marriage relationship – contrary to every fairy tale you ever heard as a little girl.
You were created to please your Creator. God made you long for intimacy with Him—to delight in Him. So any other relationship that you seek to fill the void that only God can fill will always fail. In the same way, you can never be your husband’s source of true joy.
What can you do?
Across the country, I have had countless conversations with women in my speaking engagements. Time and time again, I hear stories of women resenting their husbands. While the husband may not be the godly, kind person God calls him to be, the answer is not to change their spouse.
What is the answer?
You might be surprised to learn that the secret to a happy marriage has nothing to do with how “perfect” your spouse is. Instead, it is based on a love that is deeper than your love for each other.
A marriage flourishes when both husband and wife love Christ more than any other person in life – including the person’s spouse.
In Mark 12:30Jesus declared that the priority of life is to love God with your whole being—all.
It all boils down to this:
The key to fully loving your spouse and experiencing fulfillment in your marriage is not how well your spouse meets your expectations, but how well you love God.*
It is humanly impossible to love selflessly because we are all born with a sinful nature that seeks our own good above anyone else’s. The only people who are able to love as Jesus intended are those who know Christ and seek a deeper love for the Lord. Because God provides His supernatural love to those who love Him, He offers hope for true love.
God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:5
Where can I find help?
Titus 2 calls for older women to teach younger women how to love their husbands, so find godly mentors. And read my new book: IF MY HUSBAND CHANGED I WOULD BE HAPPY for help.
Listen to Rhonda’s short message: Too busy to build a marriage without regrets
*Excerpt: If my husband changed, I would be happy and other myths that husbands believe
Rhonda Stope she is a pastor’s wife, speaker and author. As a NO REGRETS WOMAN, Rhonda has over 20 years of experience helping women live life without regrets. Through humor and honest communication, she helps women build NO TYPES OF LIFE by applying sound teaching from the Bible. Rhonda appears on radio shows, speaks at women’s events, MOPs, and homeschool conferences across the country. Rhonda Stope’s book Moms Raising Sons to be Men guides thousands of mothers to guide their sons to a life without regrets. Her new book If my husband changed, I would be happy: And other myths that husbands believe helping countless women create regret-free marriages.
Date of issue: July 25, 2016
Photo: ©Getty Images/People Images
LISTEN: Overcoming fear in marriage
The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.
SEE: Signs You Married For The Wrong Reasons
