We all love the ‘newness’ of a relationship when you are enchanted by each other and crave each other’s company.
But what happens when that disappears and you find yourself struggling to even talk to each other and inadvertently start playing a very destructive game?
Does the attraction for each other have to die as the relationship matures?
Here’s a question from one of our readers and our answer that talks about that and more…
“My husband once seemed fascinated by me and my love, my very person, fascinated by my tiny dolls that define the person I am. Now he seems threatened, insecure, coming out to compete with me, or rather what it is that has taken away my power. I can’t seem to catch up with him, tell him about my wants or how his indifferent behavior makes me feel. And yet he still seems to want my love and acceptance.”
Here are our comments…
Here’s our take on what this woman is going through and you might be too…
At the beginning of a relationship, you’re usually smitten with each other and either don’t notice the quarks and warts or ignore them because you’re so in love.
You are literally “blinded by the light” as Bruce Springstein sang.
Sometimes you get married or deepen your relationship commitment and life gets in the way. You may have children, continue your career – and irritations and differences may arise.
You may be wondering whatever happened to the woman or man I married or decided to commit to.
Women, especially, can start to become more confident and competent in their lives, and as they do, they may lose some of the allure they once had for their man.
Their attention is usually drawn in many directions, especially if they have children, and the man may wonder what happened.
The same thing can happen to a man, having his own challenges with maintaining the intense focus that kept the relationship growing and exciting during dating.
Do we blame anyone?
Of course not.
Both can start to get “comfortable” in the relationship and forget how to make their partner feel special.
In other words, they begin to take each other for granted.
So here’s a question for the woman who wrote to us (as well as anyone else who has felt this way)…
Are you enchanted and fascinated by your partner?
If you’ve been together for a long time, chances are the answer is no.
We assume that this couple is playing a game that many of us like to play when we feel hurt or disappointed by the other person and try to confront them.
It’s called the “Gotcha” game.
“Gotcha” is usually what many of us automatically do in response when we feel that someone else has caused us pain.
It is a depreciation. Although “Gotcha” is usually an unconscious protective device, it ends up being a deliberate act to make someone else pay.
The Gotcha game can come in many different shapes and sizes…
1. Withholding love, affection or sex
2. Cutting, satirical remarks
3. Physical exit or refusal to speak
4. Physical and emotional abuse
5. Superiority
6. Employment and Avoidance
(and many other ways)
Most people don’t believe that when they try to get back at someone for some perceived wrong, they are acting out of pain, fear, and past patterns.
Here are some suggestions to help you stop playing the Gotcha game when that “specialness” wears off…
1. Realize your role in the “gotcha” game. Ask yourself when you first started playing it.
2. Recognize your destructive patterns. Which of the behaviors mentioned in this article do you fall into when you start playing this destructive game?
3. Make the choice not to leave when you realize you are.
4. Ask yourself what types of situations and behaviors cause you to react from the Gotcha position.
5. When you have this information and feel safe enough, talk to your partner about what you have learned. Choose a time when you are not playing the game.
6. Talk about your role in the game and ask if your partner sees the dynamic and if they see their part.
7. Listen to each other, no matter how hard it is at the time. Stay in the process remember that you love your partner until you understand each other.
8. If your partner refuses to talk about it or take responsibility for their role in the game, you have the option to continue playing the game or withdraw from it by calmly saying what is true for you and not out of pain and your pattern.
“Gotcha” can be a very destructive game that many couples play when the new wears on the relationship.
We suggest you stop when you find yourself playing it and choose love.
Recognize when you’re following your “gotcha” pattern and choose healthier ways to express yourself.
Instead of pulling away, take a step towards each other with an open heart – even if you have to take the first step yourself.
