It’s a big problem to have: I haven’t been able to blog lately because I’m in a tight spot with the book deadline. My wonderful publisher, Baker Books, awaits the latest draft The wife of the highest desirewhich will be released in early 2025. Since I’ve been on this topic for a while, I decided to go back to the first post I wrote about women with higher desire, way back in 2012.
While I have a LOT more information, insight, and encouragement in my upcoming book (so stay tuned!), what I said in the beginning on this topic applied very well. I would add a lot more reasons for a husband’s reluctance to be sexually involved and more advice on how a wife can help her husband participate, but for what I covered, I’m sticking with it. And I thought it might be worth sharing again, especially since about 25% of marriages have a greater desire for a spouse.
So here it is, originally titled She Wants, He Doesn’t Want (which is a line from the 1967 film Two for the roadwith Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney).
Men are always the ones who are hot for sex, while women are lukewarm to cold many times. Correctly? This is what society tells us over and over again, and many churches now. So it must be true!
No, it is not always true.
Some wives daily wonder what is happening to them or their marital relationship because they wish a physically intimate relationship but their spouse is not. It’s the silent secret we don’t talk about that some men aren’t very interested in sex, and their wives suffer in silence.
So what happens when a woman is not sexually desired by her husband? Most women begin to question. They ask themselves one or more of the following:
If all husbands are gasping and grabbing at their wives 24/7 and my husband barely glances in my direction when I’m being downright negligent, is there something about me that’s unpleasant? Am I not attractive? Because it doesn’t find my physically pleasing?
You must be a beautiful woman. Your husband wanted you enough to marry you. As long as you keep to yourself reasonably well, your husband should find you attractive. If he doesn’t, there’s something wrong with his standards.
There are things many women can do to turn their men’s heads (flattering clothes, presentation, etc.), but a man with almost no sex drive probably isn’t going to reciprocate just because you throw a black lace teddy bear tonight.
If men think about sex every 7 seconds* and my husband hasn’t thought about it in three weeks, will he find his fix elsewhere? Is he not chasing me because he already has another woman?
Some men have affairs. But unless you have other indications in that direction, this is probably not the case. Additionally, married men in relationships may continue to have sex with their wives, so a lack of interest is not overwhelming evidence of infidelity. It’s probably evidence of a lack of interest, period.
Is he just not interested in sex with women in general? Does she want a different kind of relationship? Could he be gay?
There aren’t good statistics on how many husbands eventually “come out” as gay, but it’s not common. Once again, if you have no other hints that your husband could be gay, he probably isn’t. Lack of sex drive is not a good indicator of sexual orientation.
Does he not find me physically attractive because he’s just not in love with me anymore? Does she not want sex because she doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me?
The marriage is not over. If you have a good relationship otherwise, you can probably improve this area of your married life as well.
If you are not experiencing a good marital relationship overall and your sex life is also poor, you should seek professional help. If your spouse won’t go with you, go alone and see if the counselor has any suggestions on what you can do to positively impact both of you.
Do you have a desire difference in your marriage? We can help!
Is there a medical or emotional problem that is hindering his sex drive? Is he too embarrassed to admit it? Is it just okay that he doesn’t have sex?
This is the most likely reason for your husband’s lack of interest! Sufficient testosterone is required for a man to experience a normal sex drive. If he is low in this hormone, his sex drive will decrease.
Low thyroid, depression, high blood sugar, and other factors can also affect your husband’s libido. In addition, negative past events may hinder the desire and enjoyment of sex with one’s partner.
If a man was abused or inappropriately exposed to sexual material as a child, it may suppress his ability to engage in appropriate physical intimacy now.
If I bring this up, will I embarrass him? Will he get angry? Wound? Even less attracted to me? Is there a fix available?
Ultimately, you need to raise the issue if you want to see any improvement. If you are worried that he will be embarrassed, angry, hurt, or whatever, I recommend scheduling a therapy session with a Christian marriage counselor and working through it in that safe environment. If you can only deal with it with him, choose an hour away from the kids, home holidays, etc. and find a place with privacy and quiet.
In either setting, don’t complain about the lack of sex or release your theories about why he doesn’t want you. Instead, explain that you are concerned about your physical relationship, that you desire greater sexual intimacy, and that you want to address all of the issues affecting your lack of connection in this area. If there was a time when things were better, you can mention a “Remember when…” and explain that you want to experience that closeness again.
Am I relegated to a sexless marriage? If it never gets better, how can I stay in this marriage? How can I be okay with this?
I wish I could answer that. A sexless marriage is NOT what God intended. That being said, if my husband were physically injured tomorrow in a way that made it impossible for us to have physical contact, would I stay? Absolutely!!! However, I understand this being unable to perform and unwilling being busy are two different things. I just advise you to spend time in prayer asking for God’s help to deal with the hurt and loneliness you may be feeling during this time. Sex is not the only reason to get married; there are many other benefits of being in a relationship with your spouse.
Honestly, I don’t know if men ask themselves these questions when they live in a sexless marriage. Not having yet cracked the code of the male brain – which my husband swears is a relatively simple dot puzzle – I still don’t understand the man’s thinking. (For example, when a man says he’s not thinking about anything, obviously That’s him. How is that even possible?)
But women whose husbands have physically neglected them probably go through a self-evaluation more extensive than the set of tests given to a psychiatric commitment patient. It’s okay to dwell on the problem, but it’s not okay to obsess and question every little thing about yourself or your marriage. Face the problem, seek help if needed, and pray for more physical intimacy.
