As a teenager in my local church, my stomach churned every time I saw a certain lady come to church without her husband. He was married in our church in a beautiful, enviable ceremony. She and her groom were clearly in love, barely able to take their eyes off each other all day. My friends and I were completely blown away by the couple’s display of love.
A few years later, the lady was still attending our church, but the husband had moved to another. I was devastated by the turn of events in their marriage. Like most teenagers, I was very moved by the topic of marriage. Among the things I envisioned in the wedding was unity, and it broke my heart to see the couple split on which church to attend.
It is not uncommon to find couples divided over which church they should attend. One of them may, for example, prefer a church devoted to liturgical worship, while their partner may be sold on charismatic worship. Couples may also differ along doctrinal lines where one partner may feel that the other’s preferred church is not doctrinally sound. How should couples proceed when they are pulled in opposite directions when it comes to the church?
Here are six things to keep in mind as you both search for a solution:
1. Marriage should exude unity
The scriptures teach that after marriage, a man and his wife are no longer two persons but one flesh. God then issues a warning—no one should put asunder those whom He has joined together. Unity is one of the hallmarks of marriage. In fact, it can be said to be the foundation of marriage since the essence of marriage is withdrawal and dissolution.
And while two cannot walk together unless they agree, those who are married have already decided to walk together. Therefore, to see them walking apart in terms of church attendance is counterintuitive. It’s like hearing a bird buzzing like a bee instead of chirping away. It’s just not expected.
Paul referred to the Corinthian church as letters of recommendation written in his heart, to be known and read by all (2 Corinthians 3:2, ESV). Whether we realize it or not, people are scrutinizing our marriages. They long to see love, unity, respect, trust, godliness, faith, etc. They root for our marriages, hoping and praying that we will weather every storm and emerge victorious.
Besides, God wants the light in our marriages to shine before men, so that they may see our good works and glorify him in heaven (Matthew 5:16). Our marriages should be a pattern of good works. Failure to agree on a church does not bring glory to God and we should avoid getting comfortable with such an arrangement. In addition, attending different churches is very confusing for children as they are pulled in different directions. Do they go to mom or dad’s church?
2. Pray for Sophia
There is no confusion that divine wisdom cannot stifle. God does not want His children to waver, mired in confusion, unsure of which path to walk. He is the good shepherd who leads us to green pastures (Psalm 23). He sent His Son Jesus so that we may have life in abundance. He wants the best for us and our families and loves to see us thrive! James taught that if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (James 1:5-6).
Wisdom is the ability to discern what is right and acceptable. The good news? God is generous with wisdom. If you and your spouse are having trouble agreeing on a church, seek God’s wisdom. Ask Him to lead you to the right church for your family. Remember that by wisdom a house is built, and through understanding, it is established (Proverbs 24:3).
3. Agree on a healthy compromise
For any marriage to succeed, spouses must abandon selfishness and support their spouse’s needs above their own. Philippians 2:3 he implores us to do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit but from humility, to value others above ourselves. God designed marriage as a place where Christ’s relationship with the Church would be demonstrated. That is why Paul instructed wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and died for her (Ephesians 5:22-28).
When you both have different opinions about the church to join, it’s time for you both to give way for the good of the marriage. In fact, don’t expect your husband to be the first to relinquish his control. Believers are called to surpass one another in showing honor. Be the first to confuse him/her with your humility.
This could mean that the wife decides to compromise with the church her husband is interested in, as an act of submission. This could also mean that the husband goes along with the wife’s ecclesiastical preference as a demonstration of his sacrificial love for her. Remember, yielding to another person’s will is not a sign of weakness but of strength and power. Jesus taught that whoever wants to be great must first become a servant (Matthew 20:16). The way up is down.
4. Be creative
A little creativity will go a long way in helping you and your spouse settle into a church without either of you feeling too upset. His pastor Jay Gospel Obsessed suggests that since almost all churches record their services, you can always listen to your favorite preacher later in the week. So you can agree to attend the church your spouse favors and still tune in to the church of your choice online. That sounds like a double blessing!
Both of you can also look for a church that meets both of your preferences. For example, you can get a church that combines both traditional and modern worship styles.
5. Honor God first
What do you do if your spouse wants you to join a cult? Should you tag along for the sake of unity? As believers, our first faith is in God. We must not disobey God to please our husbands. In Actions 5, Peter and the other apostles were forbidden by the high priest and the Sadducees to teach in the name of Jesus and spread His doctrine. They did not mince their words on this matter. “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).
And we must obey God rather than our husbands. We have a right to differ when we are begged to join churches that dishonor God. We are first accountable to God before any man.
6. Seek Godly Counsel
ONE Christian counselor can help you and your spouse navigate this challenge. Christian counselors combine clinical practice approaches with religious or spiritual principles to help believers handle various life issues. You can also seek advice from an older Christian couple you trust. King Solomon observed that where there is no counsel the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety (Proverbs 11:14).
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