Many men and women are in unhappy, sexless marriages. Some decide to break up, but others decide to stay and hopefully work things out. Unfortunately, those who remain can find themselves seemingly stuck in an unhappy marriage, which, in turn, negatively affects other parts of their lives. What can you do if you’ve been in an unhappy marriage for years and things don’t seem to be getting better?
There are three things you can do if you decide to stay in an unhappy marriage. You should do the first two, whether you include the third or not.
- Get emotionally distant from your spouse.
- Work on improving yourself and prioritizing creating your own happiness.
- Work to make the marriage better.
Let’s discuss them now.
The Bible states that hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). Buddhists believe that our attachment to desires causes pain. Suppose a man desires to connect emotionally with his wife (through sex) but is constantly rejected. his desire becomes a major source of emotional pain.
Unfortunately, he keeps trying to improve things but gets rejected (or vice versa). This rejection negatively affects his life in various ways (eg depression, resentment, etc.). However, she remains in a sexless and unhappy marriage.
Eventually, he will become emotionally distant from his wife, transforming their relationship into roommates. However, his wife may be unaware of what he is going through. He may even think things are fine. She goes to him for a kiss or hug regularly. She says she loves him regularly, but continues to feel rejected and emotionally distressed.
He tries to acquiesce to her emotional needs. At the same time he is neglected. He eventually decides to separate himself from the desire for a happy marriage and instead lower his expectations to a functional marriage, i.e. becoming a roommate or colleague at Household, Inc.
He no longer easily gives the kisses and hugs he desires. He spends more time away from his wife. He resists her urges for affection because he knows it will lead to more disappointment, frustration, and pain. However, he needs to emotionally separate from his wife to allow himself to be happy and stop the pain.
Living with a roommate isn’t what he expected his wife to be in the first place, but at least now it will help him feel a lot less pain because the detachment reduces his desires for sex and intimacy. It cannot be disappointed if it does not expect or desire it in the first place.
Of course, you and I know he will want sex, and there will always be a residual desire for it, which is why a sexless marriage is so dangerous for him. He may find another woman to bond with emotionally or have sex with. However, at least it doesn’t hurt as much because he doesn’t desire or expect it as much.
A husband can force himself not to respond sexually to his wife. For example, he may walk past her in the bedroom when she is only wearing underwear, especially at bedtime. Why open himself up to more frustration and disappointment? Nothing will happen if he responds sexually. Therefore, it is better to be emotionally detached and not allow yourself to expect what you probably won’t get.
The consequence of emotional detachment
There is an important consequence to detachment from the husband. A man will begin to see his wife as a burden instead of the love of his life. His emotional detachment makes him see his wife as an object of responsibility. Looking after her well-being is another item on the list of things he is responsible for. It’s in his head, not his heart.
Some would argue that a marriage is a contractual arrangement and the heart does not need to be involved. I recognize that there may be cultures or beliefs where this is absolutely true. However, studies have shown that most people in America marry because of love, that is, how they feel about the person. You don’t need love if the relationship is just conventional. A married couple expects intimacy and emotional connection.
Consider that a marriage without an emotional connection between husband and wife is on shaky ground. It’s easy to cheat on someone you don’t have feelings for. Neglecting someone you don’t have an emotional connection with is easier than if you were. There is the temptation to become emotionally attached to someone else, leading to infidelity.
I think it is better if the husband is working to have an emotional relationship. So if you disconnect from your spouse to reduce the pain in the relationship, periodically assess the state of the relationship, your feelings, and where you think the relationship might go.
You shouldn’t let an unhappy marriage stop you from being happy. There is so much more that life has to offer and it is up to you to pursue it and your happiness. Improve yourself by learning a new skill, doing something you enjoy, etc. The point is to make your life happy and full.
Maybe in the past you tried to include your spouse in things you wanted to do so you could work together. However, now you have decided to go alone since you already feel alone.
If you are already emotionally distant from your spouse, you can fill some of the void by establishing your own happiness and enjoyment of life. What do you like to do? What gives you fulfillment? Start a personal crusade to pursue these things and become content and happy. If your husband responds to this and joins you, great. If not, at least know that you are happy.
Now, this does not mean that you neglect your spouse. For example, husbands would continue to take care of their wives, help them when needed and do those things that are necessary for the family, home, etc. The difference is that he doesn’t expect romance or intimacy from his wife.
You may detach emotionally from your spouse and work on yourself. However, be aware of opportunities that may arise to improve the relationship. I know that after many years of rejection, a man who walks away from his wife may not want to be intimate with her. He only sees her as a roommate. However, there may be opportunities where a spark may be ignited or an epiphany may occur that could change the course of the relationship. Be on the lookout for these moments.
You may find that you have to do what you don’t want to do. For example, a husband who has become emotionally distant from his wife may decide to respond to seductive actions by his wife, who usually rejects him. It may not feel familiar at the time because of past experiences with her. He knows that these moments usually do not lead to anything satisfying. However, instead of flatly denying her, he decides to follow her. Maybe they have an intimate meeting this time.
Expectations will still be low even when moments like the ones I described above happen. For example, the husband does not allow himself to hope that the intimate encounter is a sign of things to come. Instead, he considers it an anomaly in the relationship. It will take some time before he expects intimacy from his wife as a standard framework for their relationship.
However, taking advantage of these moments can help the two grow closer. Perhaps hidden feelings for both of them will arise. Remember that it is best to have an emotional relationship between husband and wife. A distant relationship is not ideal for marriage. Always keep in the back of your mind that any event or situation could be the force necessary to move the relationship into a more intimate bond instead of just being roommates.
Many people end their marriages, but others decide to stay. However, those who stay in unhappy marriages tend to suffer in silence. Their health and well-being are adversely affected by their unhappy marriages. There is something they can do to help themselves.
I’ve presented three things you can do if you’re in an unhappy sexless marriage. Distance yourself from your spouse to reduce the pain caused by your spouse’s interactions with you and lack of intimacy. Work to become a better person. Do things that you like and that make you happy. At the same time, be alert for opportunities to improve the relationship.
