His favorite weapon is passive aggressive behavior
Ah, an oldie but a goody, passive-aggressive attitude is yet another way to control someone.
What does he look like?
“This is my girlfriend, Stacey. She talks like a hillbilly, but she’s an awesome girl. Heh heh heh.” Okay, he just introduced you to his friends and made a review disguised as a cute joke. This is passive-aggressive.
“Boy you sure can cook,he said right after you accidentally burned the rice with dinner. Sarcasm is another form of passive-aggressive behavior.
If anything follows, “Hi, I’m just kidding” know that it is not. It’s a criticism disguised as what he thought was a joke.
While this is not the case look for it to be a controlling behavior, what he’s doing is trying to make you feel bad about yourself, just like him. He is trying to control your self esteem and self worth and that is the worst way to control someone.
What can you do?
This is another case where you could to be able to call him out on his behavior. “Hey Jim, when you introduced me to your friends and then said I talk like a hillbilly, I was really embarrassed.” Again, by telling him how you felt and not using an assertive tone, you change his ability to respond in a sarcastic or offensive way.
He wasn’t kidding and you both know it, as do his friends, who also probably felt embarrassed. He may come back and tell you to relax or learn to crack a joke, but keep pointing out how hurtful his comments are.
If he refuses to stop, he doesn’t respect or love you and it’s time to end things.
Your friend controls | Why is he acting this way?
He is a narcissist
Narcissism is not a choice people make, but an actual psychological diagnosis. NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects many people and hinders their ability to have healthy relationships.
Many narcissists have a higher than average opinion of themselves. They believe that they are more important than everyone else, more powerful, smarter, more capable and so on. To make sure you believe it, they will exaggerate their achievements and abilities.
This type of man needs to make sure you know how special and unique he is, compared to other men. Of course, since he is so special and unique, there is no way you can understand him. It’s way above you and everyone else for that to happen.
He needs lots of praise and positive attention, for sure you to know how important and special he is. He feels he deserves special treatment. For example, if you go to a restaurant, he may feel that he must always have the best table.
His need for personal gain trumps all else, so he takes advantage of people and situations to make sure they benefit him. His goals are the only important goals. He may use tactics such as lying about someone to make sure he doesn’t get what he wants, or he may treat someone very badly.
Unable to see your needs or connect with you on an emotional level, he will come across as lacking compassion or selfish. He also envisions himself competing with, well, everyone. He imagines that people envy him for all his great qualities and that they envy him.
Most of these are signs of what the pros say overt narcissism. Covert Narcissism is a little harder to spot. These behaviors include:
- Worry
- Insecurity
- Being overly sensitive, unable to handle criticism
- Feeling defensive
- Acting withdrawn or depressed
He has high anxiety
Anxiety is a symptom of many other disorders, but it is the root of controlling behavior. There is a strong need to control their environment and maintain some sense of order, however harmful and ineffective their efforts really are.
Many people experience stress every day and there are varying degrees and abilities to deal with it. When Hurricane Ian passed through Florida, I was very anxious about being able to get there and check on my mom. I managed my anxiety easily and was able to go down there to help her with no problems. This is normal stress. You don’t know what you’re dealing with and your mind is playing scenarios.
Often, when we are otherwise healthy, we recognize what is happening and stop it.
However, for some, stress is crippling and can force them into undesirable behaviors, such as being a good friend.
He has low self-esteem
When your self-esteem is low, you don’t think good thoughts about yourself. You don’t value yourself or even like yourself.
If your boyfriend has low self-esteem, he thinks very little of himself. He believes that he is not worthy of you and is constantly afraid that two things will happen.
First, you will realize what a fraud he is and second, you will leave him because he is a loser. This fear or insecurity drives him to try very hard to prevent you from finding out that he is the person he thinks he is and leaving him.
His low self-esteem also makes him sensitive to what he may perceive as attacks. You might say something that you don’t think is bad or harmful, but because of his low self-esteem, he takes it that way. The problem is that he already thinks these things about himself, but hearing someone else verbalize them brings his insecurities to life and confirms his beliefs about himself.
He has trouble trusting
If your boyfriend is controlling, he probably has trouble trusting people. Someone in his past broke his trust all people so much that he has a hard time trusting anyone now.
It doesn’t matter what you are I think so you did to gain his trust. he can’t give it so it’s never enough.
Trust issues usually stem from something that happened in childhood, though not always. Someone close to him broke his trust and did a good job. His confidence was shaken to the point where he decided that no one could be trusted, no matter what they said or did.
This is something that can be worked on and overcome, with professional guidance, but it is not something you can fix.
He is afraid of abandonment
Imagine you are a small child and someone very important to you leaves, either through death or physical separation. A mother dies, a father leaves home never to be seen again or something like that.
This creates a fear that everyone important to you is leaving and never coming back. It doesn’t make sense, but your young mind can’t yet understand the logic behind death or separation.
You grow up and your grandparents die. Your dog runs off and never comes back. A favorite teacher is not coming back next year. All these things reinforce your belief that people leave and never come back.
If your boyfriend is controlling, that may be part of the issue. He has lost one or more important people or even animals in his life and has developed a fear of abandonment. This shows in the same way that low self-esteem does. He lives in constant fear that you will leave, just like everyone else in his past.
Again, this is something that can be worked on and overcome, with professional guidance. Again it’s nothing you can fix.
Your friend controls | And now what?
The bottom line is that if your boyfriend is controlling, he needs to take a relationship break and work on himself if he wants to. Some people are and some aren’t. Some people who control people grew up in a similar environment to the one they have created and do not see their own failings.
Either way, it’s time to get out of the situation. In many cases, doing some work with a professional counselor can overcome problems. But this is like alcoholism. He must be able to see this first he has a problem that requires help.
More people than you can imagine grow up believing that mental problems are poppycock and don’t exist, so you’ll never get them to seek help. Other people can see that they have a problem if you bring it up at a time when you are doing well and things are good.
As you learned above, how you approach a conversation is mostly about the words you use. Discuss how his behavior makes you feel touch without using accusatory language.
“Bob, it makes me angry when you call me” instead, “Stop yelling at me! It’s mean and rude.” It’s hard for anyone to argue with how you he feels, but he can certainly disagree with whether he thinks he was mean and rude.
