What to Do When He Moves Away (Don’t Panic!)
Before I can share with you what to do when it moves away, we need to explore why it moves away in the first place.
I’ve been in a few “honeymoon” relationships and was married to a guy I was with for over 12 years. I speak partly from personal experience when I discuss what to do when your wife (or girlfriend) moves away.
I have also spoken to many, many women who have left their husbands and shared with me the reasons (when they he knew Why).
However, I feel that due to the many nuances of how long-term relationships can deteriorate, I need to emphasize that I am not a professional therapist and these are my opinions.
In other words, not everything in this blog will apply to your situation.
I encourage you to watch this new video on attachment styles. Provides an overview of why push-pull dynamics occur in close relationships.
Watch the NEW video here: Or below…
Why is he moving away?
Assuming you haven’t cheated on her or cheated on her in some other significant way, which is a whole other matter, getting her off can depend on things like:
- how long are you together
- how long has she been unhappy
- if she recently: updated her hairstyle / lost weight / joined a gym / started dating her single friends, etc.
Let’s delve into them in a little more detail.
How long are you together
There are different stages in relationships, from the honeymoon phase (50 yards) to the comfort zone stage (500m race) to the endurance phase (choose the long-distance marathon!).
The honeymoon phase
If you’ve been together for a while, under two years, he may start to see the relationship for what it is.
Meaning: not through those rose-colored glasses we all have on during our honeymoon.
In the honeymoon stage, we are chemically programmed to notice all the good things about our love and less of the so-called bad things.
Blame it on hormones if you want, but it’s a biological phenomenon.
So after a while – somewhere between 12 and 18 months, usually – those hormones start to calm down and then we see the cracks in the foundation.
Like leaving dirty socks and underwear everywhere. Or that you flirt with other girls.
He may step away to find enough space to evaluate beliefs, values, and goals and wonder if these cracks can stand the test of time.
The Comfort Zone Phase
Somewhere between two years and say ten—I’m guessing here—couples enter the comfort zone phase.
They know each other well enough to be themselves. It leaves the position high. she doesn’t always shave her legs.
The comfort zone phase is comfortable, like a worn pair of slippers, but it’s also a time when couples stop doing the things they did in the beginning to attract and impress their partner.
They stop trying.
She may be pulling away because she feels taken for granted or bored, even if she is doing the same thing to you (taking you for granted).
The endurance phase
After ten to fifteen years—it varies by couple—partnerships move into the endurance phase.
There is comfort between the partners and a level of acceptance, if not outright respect.
You accept each other’s quirks and may find them endearing.
She knows how you like your coffee in the morning and you know not to wake her up before 7:00 am. #crankylady
You are used to each other’s flaws and quirks.
If she is now beginning to drift away, she may be wondering where her identity lies and where life itself might lead her.
Yes, he may be going through the classic midlife crisis.
If she’s going through a midlife crisis, it probably has nothing to do with you. She will blame you for a number of things that won’t make any difference to her happiness, even if you give her 110% of what she asks for.
But if it’s not a midlife crisis, then he might resent the comfort zone and the lack of effort.
If he tries to encourage you to do things and also makes an effort to attract youthen you must take responsibility to ignore these signs.
When a woman in a stable long-term relationship leaves, it’s usually because:
- Not sure she’s made the right choice in her partner to begin with.
- You’re bored because you’ve become complacent in the relationship (you’ve stopped trying to be mysterious). the she feels suffocated because you do the need and put her on a pedestal.
- She’s grown into a different person and you don’t feel like you’re moving on / still compatible / trying to grow with her.
Ultimately, she has either lost faith in your masculinity and your ability to lead and contribute to the relationship in meaningful ways. she’s fed up with your inability to do your part to stimulate her (mentally/emotionally/sexually). wondering if he’s made the right choices in life (this has nothing to do with you).
Let me stress that relationships are a two-way street, ladies need to do their part to contribute to your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship as well.
Key point! One of you has to take the first step to bridge the gap and that person is the one who realizes it first. (If you’re reading this, please indicate: it’s you.)
How to fix it…
How long he’s been gone (and whether or not he’s already met someone else) will determine whether any of these strategies work, and if they do how long it takes.
- If you relaxed, start to charm! Stop being so predictable. add some mystery, surprise and suspense.
- Take up a new interest that doesn’t involve her. Autonomy is attractive.
- Get back to the gym / get to work / take out the trash. (Mostly for you, but also for her if you’ve relaxed.)
- Begin to complete your life as if you were free (without crossing the lines of faith). You complete you, that’s not her job.
- Don’t chase her or beg her to stay. This is the behavior of the little boy. You are her partner, not her dependent.
- Realize that he may not even know why he’s pulling away. (Although he may give you reasons, they may be unconsciously false.)
- Improve your mood/behavior in positive variations. Negativity or a victim mentality is a major turnoff.
- Start leading and making key relationship decisions. Take some responsibility so you don’t always have to. Choose the restaurant!
- Don’t tell her the real reason you’re doing all this (yet). #mystery
- If doing all of the above doesn’t inspire her to come back to you, talk to her about it. Give it some time! #patience #equal partner #no need
Be patient
Realize that if any of the above has subsided, it will be uncomfortable for both of you to change now, but you must if you want to change the trajectory of your relationship.
You need to reclaim your mystery, masculinity and playfulness. Women begin to lose interest when these characteristics disappear.
Women are not loyal like dogs. they are temperamental like cats. It’s our nature, sorry, take it with God.
You will have to seduce her mind again.
We are not responsible for our partner’s happiness, but we are responsible for contributing to it, especially if we are relaxed. It’s not what you signed up for, the warranty is valid for the duration of the relationship.
And if he has become a different person and/or you, then these two new people have to rediscover whether they are still compatible.
What if these tips don’t work?
You may have to face the fact that you are no longer meant for each other. (Maybe you never were.)
Breakups are one of the most painful things you will go through. (I’ve been there, it sucks.)
But after the heart softens a bit, you might also realize that you can go out into the world and find someone who will love you for the man you are, if you’re truly okay with who you are.
Tip: Never look for someone’s potential! You must accept them, “As they are where they are.”
There are traits that all women desire in a man.
Resources
If you want to be the kind of guy who won’t stay back—and earn the respect of your friends, peers, and self — then invest in yourself with WakeUP2Luv program today.
WakeUP2Luv helps men at any stage of life become the best men they can be.
The program should be reviewed at least once a year to keep you on track to be your best as a man. (You have unlimited, lifetime access.)
If you’ve tried everything and you’re still struggling, you may want to talk to a relationship coach or therapist. Click here for more information on who I recommend.
I wish you the best, sir.
A big hug for you if you have a hard time holding on and don’t know what to do when he pulls away or gets too clingy.
xo Anna