What to do when a partner is unhappy with the marriage

Isn’t it bliss when both of you are on the same page of your romance novel, walking hand in hand towards your happily ever after? Everything is very likable, and even the bumps along the way are reminiscent of Singing-in-the-Rain skips. “No bro, we got this.” But – big sigh – you know life and marriage are rarely that easy. And, when one partner is unhappy in the marriage, life can feel more like being stuck in the rain than singing in it.

The thing about unhappiness is that you usually don’t realize it’s overwhelming you until it’s all consuming. Recognition seems to happen more with hindsight than foresight.

What constitutes an unhappy marriage is very similar.

If you take a passive, as-long-as-we-don’t-do-xyz approach to your relationship, you’ll leave it wide open for slow, insidious erosion.

It will be the little things. The “one time” decision to simply avoid the conversation. The “one-time” withholding of affection. The “one time” thought that maybe you were wrong to marry this person.

There will be the drift of dreams, sex, curiosity, friendship, respect.

And there will be many ways to an unhappy marriage affects you – emotionally and even physically.

At our marriage retreats, we work with couples who come to us at various places along the spectrum of marital satisfaction and happiness.

Yes, many come for some good preventative medicine.

Even more come because their marriage is in crisis or because they are both unhappy – with each other, with their marriage, and usually within themselves.

They may have different grievances – one wants sex, the other doesn’t. one lends itself to communication, the other ignores. one is in control, the other feels trapped.

And yet, even in these differences, they recognize an inanimate tension. A tension that comes from trying to stay together while an unknown undercurrent is driving them apart.

But there is another scenario that needs its own delicate handling.

When one partner is unhappy with the marriage, there is a risk that they will assume that they are somehow flawed or that they are to blame for the seemingly one-sided unhappiness.

There is also the risk that the other partner may not recognize the unhappiness or assume that “the problem” lies with the unhappy spouse.

If you are a man, would you recognize the signs that a woman is unhappy in her marriage?

If you are a woman, would you recognize the same signs in yourself? For example:

• Have you lost interest in sex and physical affection?
• Have you given up trying to communicate because you just don’t feel heard?
• Do you feel held back by your spouse and your marriage?
• Have you stopped taking care of yourself, both in terms of health and appearance?
• Do you feel like you long for the past when life was simpler and less stressful?
• Would you rather talk to someone outside of your marriage instead of your spouse?
• Have you noticed signs of depression such as sleeping more/less, eating more/less, losing interest in things that once interested you, and feeling hopeless?
• Do you or your spouse drink more than usual?
• Do you go out of your way to avoid spending time together? Or do you feel that you are being avoided and not prioritized by your husband?

Obviously, these signs are not limited to the woman when a person is unhappy with the marriage. Unhappiness, dissatisfaction, indifference and hopelessness have no gender bias.

What is important is that the unhappiness is not ignored, and especially that neither spouse uses it as an excuse to blame.

Here are some important steps to take if either partner is unhappy with the marriage.

• If you are the unhappy husband,

  identify the reasons for your unhappiness.

• If you are the other spouse,

  pay attention to signs that your partner may be unhappy and be your most compassionate self.Acknowledge, without criticizing or blaming, that your spouse doesn’t seem happy and that you want to help change that.

• Decide if your marriage is worth saving and if there are any deal breakers that need to be addressed.

  Issues like addiction, abuse, control, overwork, criticism, lack of communication, and different core values ​​may signal deeper issues that affect you both differently.

• Talk about your feelings.

  And, if you’re the “unhappy” husband, you are welcome your partner to share his feelings. And make the experience safe for vulnerabilities.

• If you are the unhappy husband,

  make an appointment with your doctor to make sure you don’t have any underlying health problems.

  Often depression, fatigue, decreased libido, irritability, etc. they can be attributed to hormonal and/or treatable reasons.

  Menopause, for example, brings a tsunami of often shocking changes. Who am I? Who is she? What the hell is happening?

  But midlife changes are not limited to women, despite the difference in speed of onset. Men, too, go through hormonal changes that affect you physically, sexually, and emotionally.

• Be willing to go to therapy together.

  
  Better yet, try something more effective – even exciting – and attend a weekend at a wedding retreat.

• Spend positive and purposeful time apart –

  not meant to avoid each other, but to nurture yourselves and (re)cultivate your own interests and hobbies.

  If you see your spouse drowning in misery, encourage and support his or her individual hobbies that may have passed. And be curious and free.

  Even a few well-intentioned hours apart can reduce tension and create desire for each other.

• Pull out the stops in kindness.

  It may sound too simple to be effective. But so often one partner is unhappy in a marriage because they feel unappreciated, unheard, even “invisible.”

  You don’t need to talk about “what’s wrong” all the time. Sometimes you can just tend to it with extra kindness, love and awareness…and little surprises along the way.
  
  Think that unexpected bouquet of hand-picked flowers or those “just because” yard tickets won’t create a lasting high? check it magic that happens in your brain when you are pleasantly surprised.