Living in an unhappy marriage for years is the ultimate example of being stuck. You’ve settled into patterns that don’t serve you, and there’s no simple way to break out of them. And yet, whether you retreat or stay, you are making decisions every moment that will affect the rest of your life.
*If your unhappiness is the result of domestic abuse — physical, emotional, sexual, financial — this article is not what you need. Aid is. And the time to get it is now.
If, however, the nature of your unhappiness is the result of letting your marriage slip through the complicated sieve of life’s demands, read on.
Couples who live in an unhappy marriage for years often see only what their marriage has become, not how it got there.
But research on marital satisfaction shows, time and time again, that the seeds are planted early. And the first year of marriage is – surprise! — especially critical to the happiness and stability of the wedding years down the road.
Maybe you say “But we dated all through college. And we even lived together for two years before we got engaged. Why would tying the knot suddenly change things?’
Many influences affect:
- emotional disappointment after marriage and honeymoon;
- financial adjustments
- defining and arranging roles
- serious responsibilities (family planning, pregnancy, children, elder care, career, home ownership)
- processing the “permanence” of marriage
- real/administrative adjustments (name change, account changes, financial planning decisions/retirement accounts/investments/life insurance)
- changes in social life
- sex
- unrealistic expectations
Although this list is not exhaustive, it is the last factor — unrealistic expectations — which can have the most insidious influence on marital happiness.
Why; Why shouldn’t newlyweds have the happiest, most hopeful expectations of each other and their new, hallowed union?
It’s not that you shouldn’t. Not at all. It is that so often they marry with blinders on. They see what they want to see and think they “should” see, but lack the peripheral awareness that would otherwise keep them on their toes.
Imagine driving without mirrors or side and rear windows, earplugs pumping out white noise to block out traffic sounds and sirens.
You can start a bright, clear day with open roads. But to expect these conditions to prevail between countries would be unrealistic. And eliminating your peripheral awareness would be dangerous.
Regular car maintenance and wearing your seat belt are not measures you take because you expect an accident. They are measures you take reduces risk and potential consequences one.
And so it goes with having realistic expectations and taking care of “your vehicle”. If you plan to earn a lifetime of miles in your marriage, you need to stay aware, committed and realistic. Doing so can be all the difference between having a movie-worthy trip and living in an unhappy marriage for years.
But this is precautionary, precautionary. What will you do if your union is already mired in the symptoms of an unhappy marriage?
Although it is not possible to turn back the clock, it is safe to reach a desired destination.
And, if you’re not ready to give up on your marriage, you really only have two options:
- Stay in your marriage and “get it out” as it is.
- Stay in your marriage, put on your grease and good tunes, and dive into some much needed maintenance and repair.
If you stop to think about it, neither option is easy. But one is hopeful and hope-Filled. And being uncomfortable isn’t so bad if you can keep the vision of the sweet path ahead of you.
Of all the fixes on your to-do list, learning new, healthy communication skills – and revitalizing old communication styles – ranks at the top.
Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Just read some self-help books or listen to some podcasts on how to communicate with your spouse without fighting.
But the process is not that simple or easy. After all, you are both entrenched in a pattern that is comfortable – uniform uncomfortably comfortable Familiarity has a way of doing that.
You may also need to “learn how to learnHow to communicate with your spouse.
Call it what you will – asking for instructions, an oil change or a full tune-up – but not all repair jobs belong in your garage. Whether you’re dismantling a car engine or a wedding engine, some things require expert help.
But we don’t have a lifetime ahead of us! Our youngest child just went to college, we have a grandchild on the way and we are empty handed. We will pick up daisies before we get our marriage back to “happy”. I, for one, don’t want to come to the end of life feeling so unfulfilled. And yet, I know, in my heart, that we have no idea how to make “us.”
Sound familiar? Like an initiate repeating what your heart keeps whispering to you?
If so, you’ve just defined the purpose of an intensive couples wedding weekend.
You need an intensive examination of a long marriage with rooted patterns. You need to learn new patterns that are proven builders and relationship builders. You need good models of the skills you are expected to learn.
And you need all this on the fast track.
You don’t have the time or skills to do it alone, let alone both of you accomplish it with your own interpretations and methods. (How has this worked for you so far?)
Chances are you need something too reaffirming and relaxing about your relationship. An escape that is somehow, miraculously, restorative, educational, restorative…
…and one that follows you back into real life with skills, practices and support to maintain and enhance what you have achieved in this intensive environment.
The thing about help is that it is always available to those who want it and are strong enough to ask for it.
“Asking directions” from those who know the geography of where you are is never a sign of weakness.
Instead, it’s a bold statement that you have places to go, things to see, and a life – and love – to enjoy.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private accommodations to couples. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
