9 minutes of reading
Fights about sex are common, but they can make you feel like things will never change. The important thing to remember is that they can. But to get there – you need to understand what it is Really ongoing. Because arguments about sex often seem deceptively simple – when they’re not.
Reasons we argue about sex
When you and your partner are fighting about sex for the 58th time – it’s important to think about what exactly the fights are about. Only then will it have a real chance to resolve the conflict.
Because what may seem like a very straightforward issue, such as libido mismatch, pain during sex, a dry spell in a relationship or erectile difficulties, is often multi-layered.
When you understand the role of combat – you can break the cycle. And change things in a profound way.
Libido mismatch
When your partner wants sex more often than you do and it leads to a fight, it may seem silly to get upset about yourself. And while being horny and not having sex can be frustrating – the arguments you have aren’t just about that frustration.
They are about rejection – and the seeds that rejection sows. When you reject your partner’s sexual advances over and over again, it hurts. And sometimes the way your partner shows it can be because of hurting your back by starting a fight.
Because rejection may not mean you’re not in the mood for sex. To themit may mean that you no longer find them attractive or sexy.
Or worse – that you don’t love them anymore.
So when they argue with you, they’re trying to figure out what’s going on and why you don’t want them anymore. They are trying to figure out where they and you are going as a couple.
On the other hand, for the partner with less desire for sex, starting a fight is sometimes done to ensure that your partner does not try to initiate sex again. While you’re fighting, there will be no touching, which means they probably won’t get the wrong idea and ask for sex again.
This is because having to reject your partner is painful. Having to constantly say no leads to feelings of inadequacy and questions about whether there is something wrong with not wanting sex.
So while disagreement about sex may seem like it’s always about sex itself, it often masks other deep concerns and fears. About ourselves, our partner and our relationship in general.
Relationship insecurity and anxiety
When you can’t seem to agree on how often to have sex or what kind of sex to have, it can feel like a dark cloud is hanging over your relationship. Whether you feel unwanted by your partner or misunderstood by them – it causes insecurity in the relationship.
This in turn can lead to more conflicts. Because not only are you now not in agreement about your sex life, you’re also starting to question the very basis of your partnership.
When sex doesn’t work, it easily bleeds into all other areas of your relationship. You may start to feel emotionally distant, finding it difficult to trust your partner about non-sexual issues.
Maybe you start going out more with your friends and those evenings you used to enjoy together seem few and far between.
You may even find that questioning your relationship is what led to your sexual problems. For some, they worry that they can’t trust their partner. For others, it’s a worry that they might not be right for each other.
Once you get stuck in question mode, it can be hard to get out of it. And when you’re constantly on your mind about your relationship – it’s hard to pay attention to anything even attractive or sexual about your partner. And so you have even less sex – which leads to even more arguments – and on and on.
Different desires
Sometimes fights about sex arise from clearly different sexual interests. Maybe you are really in bondage, while your partner prefers tantric sex. Or maybe you can’t seem to agree on whether or not to try that new sexual thing that’s making you nervous.
When we have different desires, it is easy to develop into conflict.
One where maybe you both insult each other for being “abnormal” or liking something that isn’t okay.
If this seems to you, try to find out why you are angry about their interest. Often, it’s worry masquerading as anger – worrying that you’re not enough or that things will end if you don’t agree on everything.
What arguing about sex does to a relationship
Fighting is normal in marriage and relationships. However, when you keep having the same argument over and over again, it can do a real number on your connection.
Part of this is due to the meaning we attach to repeated arguments. The other part is because conflict is inherently uncomfortable.
If you think that fighting about sex means things can never get better, of course your relationship will suffer. But if you see fights as multi-layered and as a means of trying to understand why your partner hasn’t changed their mind or way of doing things – fights don’t seem nearly as threatening to your bond.
When you are both angry with each other, your overall emotional relationship often suffers.
It may feel difficult to even talk to each other about seemingly mundane things after you’ve both been in a shouting match.
But it doesn’t have to be that way – there’s a lot you can do to break the pattern and fight more constructively. Because like it or not, battles are par for the course. But some can lead to positive change when done right.
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How to stop arguing about sex
Talk about sex when things are good
Although it’s tempting to bring up your lack of sex life when you’re already arguing about housework – try to avoid it. The same goes for talking about sex when you’ve just been hung up on for the umpteenth time.
Part of the reason your arguments always sound the same is because they happen when things are already hot. When you’re flooded with emotions and you both feel under attack, it’s hard to be rational or productive.
Talking about sex when things are good in your relationship (or at least neutral) helps set you up for a more successful conversation. One where it might be easier for you both to be vulnerable with each other.
Where instead of saying “What’s wrong with you? All my friends’ partners want sex as much as they do”you share what it is Really continued below: “I’m afraid your lack of sex drive means you didn’t love me.”
And when you’re vulnerable and open, you have the opportunity to affirm each other, share love, and think about concrete ways to change your sexual patterns.
By bringing up the subject of sex when you’re having a good time with your partner, you give your relationship a much better chance of resolving this conflict and moving forward.
Take responsibility for yourself
Part of why arguing about sex is so deeply painful is because we often both get stuck trying to convince the other person that we are those who really suffer. But creating a mutually enjoyable sex life won’t happen if you care more about who’s right and who’s wrong.
To have more and better sex, you need to recognize it yours part of the dynamic between you. Because it takes two to argue, two to love and two to have sex. And figuring out who hurts more or less will keep you stuck in this stalemate.
Because you’ll never feel heard unless your partner can take some of the responsibility – and the same goes for your partner.
And the really wonderful thing that happens when we feel heard? We want to listen to our partner. When we feel validated, loved and respected, we are much more likely to want to give back. This in turn creates a really good basis for a productive discussion about how to bridge your challenges.
So, what is one part of your current sex issues that you could take responsibility for, right here and now? Once you have that answer, think about how you want to phrase it – and then take the plunge!
Appreciate the things your partner gets correctly
Nothing kills desire more than feeling like you’re never enough. If you’re frustrated with your lack of sex, you might feel like the sex you had last weekend wasn’t enough. However, if you share it with your partner, you will kill the little flame that still exists between the two of you.
The same goes for anything in a relationship, really. If your partner only points out what you don’t do, instead of appreciating you is In this way, you will find that the positive behaviors begin to disappear completely.
So if you get a kiss before work instead of a sack in the sack – grow the kiss! Share how it made you feel – warm, fragrant, loved, excited. Let them know you’re looking forward to your next kiss. This will create a positive cycle where your partner may actually start wanting more sex again.
If your partner says “it’s okay, should we cuddle in front of Netflix?” when you said no to sex – let them know how comforting that was. Share how you felt respected, loved and cared for.
Ask for help if you can’t do it yourself
Sometimes the constant conflict feels (or becomes) almost impossible to stop on your own. It seems that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to break out of the negative cycle.
For many couples this can feel like failure. And as with so many other things in life, the meaning we attach to the subject at hand is often responsible for most of that feeling. Because if you believe that couples should be able to work through everything that comes their way, or they aren’t a “good” match or “meant to be” – these eternal fights will make you feel like you’re destined for a breakup.
It is not a failure and you are not alone. 69% of all arguments are perpetual – that is, getting stuck in an endless repetitive argument is very common.
This is where sex and relationship therapists can make a difference. By helping you communicate better and do strategic exercises – you can begin to marry your differences and argue less.
Because the truth about fighting about sex, what it really means and how to stop – is that it can take time, but when you’re on the other side – everything you want is waiting for you.
Love, sex, closeness, intimacy. But you need to start by understanding why you fight about sex and the real meaning behind your and your partner’s feelings. This will lead you to your solution.
