A few days ago, a male content creator shared about the criticism he receives from his colleagues when he reports bad behavior from men without reservations.
According to his critics, adding “not all men” or “some men” to his comment would make it clear to everyone that he is not referring to everyone/not everyone behaves badly.1
This update from the male creator reminded me of my own Facebook post where I discussed the backlash I received for calling out bad behavior in marriage and suggested that women don’t have to put up with it.
Here’s what I posted on Facebook.
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Isn’t it funny how some men will love a teaching…until the teaching tells them to take responsibility for their beliefs and behavior and unlearn things that support immaturity and privilege?
When I was the “typical” wedding blogger, men loved my writing. I can’t remember ever getting an email or text from a man that didn’t include some version of “Thank you for the work you do.”
At the time, I was focused on helping wives take responsibility for themselves, and many men took my approach as “Yes, tell her. Tell her where and how she is wrong. And how our marriage is waiting for her to fix herself.”
A few years ago, I started rethinking how I taught, and two years ago, I changed. See why I’ve deleted my books, courses and over 200 blog posts Today, I’m focusing on clarity, focusing on what a healthy marriage is and isn’t.
Guess who doesn’t like that? Men Not all men, of course. (See how we do this.) But most of the men who have written to me express their disapproval. In fact, some of the men who wrote to tell me they love my writing and books have written to say they don’t like what I’m doing now.
But guess who likes what I write now? Women! Not all women because some think I’m bad for Christian marriages, but by far, the majority of women feel seen, supported and believed.
my new book, Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soulit’s for women who roar. I want women to feel believed and affirmed in their journey to accept that their agency and autonomy is God-given and worth protecting. Watch “Courage” at Amazon I PDF
Things men say to women writers: Why I do what I do
Recently, on different occasions, some male readers have asked if I am married to an abusive husband or divorced. (The answer to both is “no.”)
Because of the context in which the questions were asked and the way they were worded, it appeared that the men believed that these (alleged) experiences were negatively affecting my views on marriage.2
When survivors of abuse and chronic relationship trauma voice their trauma or difficulties, They are often accused of being unforgiving, bitter or hostile towards marriage.
Reading the emails and knowing what I know now, I think Christians should remember:
- You can be happily married and an ally to those who damage long marriages.
- You can divorce or divorce and believe that safe keeping of healthy marriages is a good thing.
- You can be single and they have a high opinion of marriage.3
These things are not mutually exclusive. Unfortunately, conversations around safety or what Christ has to say about harmful impenitence and hard-heartedness are SO RARE in our circles that we immediately feel uncomfortable when these conversations arise and immediately seek the “cause” assignment.
Christians will “concern” or question the motives when someone takes a stand against marginalization and oppression. We move so fast that you think deliverance and restoration are alien concepts in Scripture. (It is not. See Luke 4:18-19.)
To me, our nervousness and repulsion proves that we need to discuss these issues more.
We need to talk about addictions and betrayal that throw families like a wrecking ball. We must expose the callous neglect of a spouse and children and call it what it is: cruel, inhumane, and repugnant to God.
We need to have regular dialogue around duplicity, coercive control and power imbalances in relationships, and all the “Christian” teachings and beliefs that support them.
We need to hear sermons regularly that detail and explain intimate partner terrorism, what God (and the law of the land) says about it, and the recourse for victims. We need to normalize a compassionate, accurate view of divorce, why it exists and why it is a mercy, not a curse.
We need more of these conversations, not less.
And we need to understand why the church can’t just sit back and wait for the victims to be the only educators:
- It’s a ridiculous amount of trouble to put into a group of people
- We are the body of Christ, which means that we do not exist in parts, which means that the body takes care of the whole
- The damage continues to go unchecked because the people who have not been harmed have not cared enough and the whole body has become ill.
Undoubtedly, the church is foreign to the parts of ourselves that hurt. It is up to us to change so that our wounded parts (the people who hurt) have safety to heal and rebuild (and the unrepentant to be held accountable.)
We need to educate ourselves and raise awareness and curiosity so we can stop assuming that calling out unhealthiness is an attack on good people and systems.
There is a template: Being a follower of Christ is not a free for all. Love is accountable. Love is a work of justice and a work of liberation. Marriage and other intimate relationships are not where decency (the bare minimum in relationships btw) goes to die.
Christ is deliverance and life, and if we say we love Him, His mission will be our mission. “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the captives and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Luke 4:18-19.
FOOTNOTES:
1. His name is Cyzor (Facebook) and the consensus was that most people understood that when he was talking about a certain topic and referring to men, he was referring to men on that topic, not all men on the planet.
2. I can’t tell everyone’s motivations, but I can discern the patterns of people who would rather bypass than engage in the pain and trauma of others.
3. You can be single and not desire marriage. Here, I explore the idea that choosing a side doesn’t mean you have a low opinion of marriage.
