People love drama. They get their jolt of caffeine as much from shock and awe as from a dark roast. Tell them you’re not happy in your marriage and they’ll hypothetically ask who’s cheating. More often than not, however, what leads to an unhappy marriage is not black or white. It is buried in shades of gray.
Not exactly the juicy novels…
…and possibly little or no consolation for the intensity of the misery you may be feeling.
If you’re looking for answers to your current frustration, it’s probably been brewing for a long time.
The “little things” that fly under the radar eventually add up and start sending blips. They are proverbial dust bunnies that start floating around the house like tampons, leaving the house proud terrified and frantically vacuuming.
Sure, there are the “big ones” that should never be downplayed, let alone ignored: abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial), addiction, infidelity, criminal behavior.
But even these obvious signs of an unhappy (and even dangerous) marriage rarely come out of nowhere.
What constitutes an unhappy marriage is a discussion in itself. As you may have already discovered, knowing how to recognize an unhappy marriage isn’t always basic math.
Is it just one thing? Is it possible to feel so unhappy just because sex has fallen by the wayside? Or because you do nothing but work, take care of the kids and pay bills? Or because you argue more than you used to?
Likewise, what leads For an unhappy marriage it’s not always basic math.
Two plus two is not necessarily four. And a + b does not always equal c.
Standing at an altar and declaring vows of love and loyalty is not pixie dust. There is no magic that makes two people “perfect for each other”, let alone suddenly and forever inseparable.
There is, however, selection. And this choice goes beyond simply choosing a mate.
It conveys to your individual self-consciousness that which you to bring at the altar and at your wedding as a whole.
Your choice embodies your moment-to-moment thoughts, beliefs, intentions, words, behaviors, and subtler expressions.
And it includes your approach to conflict resolution and expressing and responding to emotions.
The interpersonal, interconnected nature of marriage requires accountability in both personal and mutual growth. And this responsibility always reflects on you in the presence of your husband.
It requires your ability to recognize your own weaknesses and need for help in order to contribute to the alchemy of your marriage. No one, after all, enters the lifelong commitment of marriage knowing “how to do it all.”
What leads to an unhappy marriage is the breakdown of commitment to that growth – first within yourself and then within your marriage.
It doesn’t have to be intentional. Corrosion happens unintentionally…and with no intention.
In other words, in the same way that the roots of vegetation help hold the soil, preventing erosion, intention is structurally anchored in marriage.
Your intentions — to communicate in a healthy, loving, effective way. to respect each other. to sympathize; to prioritize your partnership — these are your roots.
Without them, the winds of life will destroy these two fragile, conditional words: I accept.
Specifically, what leads to an unhappy marriage?
Think about the things that lead to a happy marriage – the things that got you married in the first place.
Attentiveness. Contact. Healthy Contact. Courage in communication. Vulnerability. Respect and compassion in response to another’s vulnerability. Common values. Shared vision. Sacrifice. Empathy. Tenderness. He expressed affection. Curiosity. Active hearing. Kindness. Make time for the relationship. Apology. Forgiveness.
Sit with each of these wedding gifts and think about how their presence helped shape what was once a beautiful and happy relationship.
Reflect on the fragility of relationships and the inseparability of their strength.
Consider how we handle the most precious treasures of our human existence with utmost care and reverence.
You only need to take a trip to an art museum to put this reference into perspective. Humans are the ones who place value on what are, technically, material, inanimate objects. We appreciate what goes beyond canvas, paint and stone.
We value the artist – his vision, his personal story, his quirks, his mental torment. We value everything because, in the contribution of its expression, such lasting beauty was manifested.
And this beauty – extremely fragile and vulnerable beneath our mesmerizing experience – deserves our protection.
Imagine if a Renoir was taken off a museum wall, stripped of its skeleton, and dropped into a thrift store as a byproduct of spring cleaning.
The idea alone is deplorable, and not just because of the monetary value of art.
We cannot bear the thought because we have already valued it. It’s not elementary math. It is greater than the sum of its parts.
So it is with marriage. What we value becomes ours – individually and collectively – to protect.
And protection is more than the basics required for survival (or, in the case of valuable art, non-destruction). It’s the reverence – itself fragile and based on both personal and collective integrity – that characterizes the protection of the precious.
It’s not just about not doing harm. It’s about act what is essential… reverent.
Stripped of the everyday, often mundane gifts of attention, tenderness, curiosity, kindness, respect, apology, forgiveness, etc., marriage loses its perceived value.
Attention becomes distance and openness to fantasizing about love elsewhere. Tenderness becomes coldness, indifference, lack of touch. Curiosity is deafening. Politeness and respect become criticism, sarcasm, neglect.
And, when apology and forgiveness are buried under pride and ego, there is no more growth.
What leads to an unhappy marriage is often an accumulation of forgetfulness.
And what brings it back to happiness is the longing and willingness to remember.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private accommodations to couples. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
