What is sex? – Pull

What do we mean when we talk about sex? What counts as “having sex”?

In the past, sex was typically defined in one, very limited way: penetrative penetrative sex (PIV).

But actually there are many different ways to have sex! It means different things to different people, and we now know that just defining sex as PIV excludes many people and their experiences.

For example, many LGBTQ+ people feel unrepresented by this outdated definition. Straight couples may also not want to have PIV sex for a variety of reasons, including health conditions, disabilities, or just personal preference. That’s totally fine! It should not diminish these experiences or imply that it is not “real” or “proper” sex. It is important to have a much broader and more inclusive definition.

But what do we mean by a comprehensive definition of gender?

“In very basic terms, sex is something that involves one or more sets of genitalia (of any variety) being touched or made to feel good,” she says. Millie Evans in their book, Honest.

Any of these can be sex:

• Oral sex: using your mouth to stimulate your partner’s genitals, otherwise known as ‘blowjob’, ‘eating out’ or ‘up and down’
• Anal sex: touching, massaging, licking or penetrating the anus
• Vaginal sex: penetration of the vagina with a penis or sex toy
• Hand sex: using your hands to stimulate your partner’s genitals and is known as ‘fingering’ or ‘waking up’

Masturbation matters

Some people include masturbation in their definition of sex. This can be called ‘solo sex’, while sex with a partner is ‘partner sex’. It helps give masturbation the attention it deserves and highlights that it is no less important to our sex life than sex with a partner.

Consent and pleasure

There are many reasons to have sex, but people usually do it for pleasure. Sex is meant to feel good! Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma and shame around talking about the sex we feel good about. But it is important because this is directly related to consent. Why would we consent to any kind of sex that doesn’t feel good? Perhaps, more than that, sex that is painful or uncomfortable?

Sex should be pleasant and consensual. This means checking in on the other person, making sure they want to have sex and feel good, and stopping if they’re not sure or want to stop. It also means feeling able to tell them if you’re not sure or want to stop. Remember, you can stop at any time.

We love talking about sex and pleasure so much that we have an entire episode of Fumble Talks dedicated to it:

Using an inclusive definition of gender ensures that everyone feels seen and that their experiences are validated. Knowing about different types of sex also means it’s easier to figure out what you like, making sex better for everyone!

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