Chris [00:29:37] Yes. You know, it’s funny, Lisa, sometimes deals can go wrong. I don’t want to take it too far, but sometimes we can go about it the wrong way. I can fool you, right? You know, remember, I know there’s stuff now, you know, I don’t know how you do it with the messages or how you do it. Whether you like it, that’s, you know, it’s like saying, hey, your notification, your picture, your story, I see you like it. This is a people who put a lot of things out there to say. Would you like to pay attention? People don’t notice how many likes their post or.
Alice [00:30:14] Excellent point. Yes.
Chris [00:30:15] And people who make a post and if no one likes it, you like, uh, I’m invisible?
Alice [00:30:21] You feel rejected.
Chris [00:30:22] You feel rejected. So. So we hit or push or like or send someone attacks saying hey I’m just thinking about you or whatever it is. You know, that’s kind of non-verbal, or at least you have to be in the same room all the time, right? It could just be a text. I think when it can go wrong is if you’re wrong, uh, you know, you’re getting close, let’s say a little bit like, for example, at least, um, you don’t mind if I tickle you, you know, or he’s texting you, but you don’t like it if he gets , you know, very, very much. And yet, uh, what I needed to learn was, oh, I thought I was just offering and getting her attention, but we could be doing it the wrong way. You know, we can get their attention in a rude or inappropriate way.
Alice [00:31:11] Okay. Correct observation.
Chris [00:31:13] So, offers to watch out for. This idea of needing to feel known, heard and understood as a human quality, a human need in all relationships and the ways we can increase our awareness of this is one. Pay attention. Ask yourself, am I missing these pieces? Like that husband who said, do you know my wife’s books? Who cares what the story is? She recognized that I was missing her pieces and said, I’ll change it. Actually, he was, I think then he’s going to, yeah, I think I might read, you know, the book of the first book or two just to see what he’s talking about. And I and I guess at least at the end of the day, um, it’s a great way to do a really quick assessment of your relationship and your, you know, approach to your partner’s offerings. What do you think;
Alice [00:32:14] I definitely think so. Because really, when these when these kind of, um, respond to offers, when they are ignored enough and accumulate. Well, then your partner really starts to wonder if you’ll ever reciprocate or not. And then what will happen is that those bids for the other person’s attention start to dwindle. And that’s when we start to feel disconnected. That’s when we feel like, hey, uh, you know, this goes on long enough. We’re finally getting to the point where I feel like we’re not in love anymore. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. That’s where this comes from. And so he misses those little, everyday, ordinary opportunities that each other gives out there. And so I like that you said the first one. One of the first ways to increase these offers is to pay attention to the now and pay attention and learn. And remember when we first learned about it? Hmm, I remember being at this at a conference where someone was teaching a marriage and family therapist. That was decades ago when we learned about it. They opened my eyes. And so when we started learning and practicing and trying to pay attention to this concept, you remember you and I were sitting there and whenever one of us made this bid for each other’s attention, we said, hey, bid for attention, bid for attention. It’s like reaching into the car to hold your hand, asking for attention, asking for attention. But what he did do was remind us of it. Well, I offer, I offer. We must pay attention to this.
