What if my husband doesn’t know he’s hurting me?
“Some men grow up dysfunctional. Their inner world is so upside down that they don’t know what “healthy” looks like. What if my husband is just repeating the behavior he saw growing up? What if he doesn’t know?’
Women in damaged marriages sometimes struggle with these questions. (I’ve talked to a few.)
Usually it’s the woman in the process of accepting that maybe she’s not the problem she’s been told she is. That maybe the issues in marriage are more individual (aka husband) than common.
In the process (and roller-coaster) of evaluation, he examines his history and questions the extent of his guilt.
Today, I want to explore these questions and hope to offer confirmation and clarity.
As always, I approach the topic from a coach/writer marriage lens. I am not a licensed therapist and do not provide diagnosis, treatment, therapy or mental health care services.
What if my husband doesn’t know he’s hurting me?
Dear wife, to the question, “Does he know he’s hurting me? If he doesn’t, can it be considered abuse?’
- Have you told him that his behavior hurts you?
- Are his actions consistent in all his other relationships (workplace, family, friends, church) or does he only act this way with you?
- Does he get the same treatment from others that he does to you behind closed doors?
- He has a private and public personality, that is, does he seem to know how to regulate himself when in the presence of others/people he wants to impress?
- Is he just one way in your relationship (eg, harsh, judgmental) or does he know how to switch (can be ‘warm’, ‘kind’) when he wants something/chooses?
- Did he present himself so well (not perfectly, well enough) before the wedding that you thought he was a good candidate for marriage?
If your answer is “Yes”, knows.
What if my husband doesn’t know he’s hurting me: His history
But what if he doesn’t know it’s abuse because of his past? What if he is not aware?
Let’s talk about the past and how it can be imposed on the present. It is true that an important part of growth and healing is learning how to ground ourselves in the present when we are faced with situations that remind us of our past.
However, feeling that the past imposes itself on the present does not absolve us of responsibility for our present behavior. We are still responsible for how we act now.
It is also important to note that adverse experiences in the past do not automatically turn one into an adverse experience for someone else.
Past stress or trauma does not automatically make someone a source of stress and trauma to others. There is no appointment to do what hurt us.
Many people with traumatic/difficult past experiences choose kindness, compassion and empathy. They choose not to become what was done to them.
And they make choices (even long before they have access to external support like treatment, which they need, where it’s available) because at the basic human level, they choose to be decent human beings.
All this to say, your husband knows. He may not have been fully aware. He may need to engage in more reflection, exploration, understanding and acceptance of his inner world. But at a basic level, he knows what he’s doing.
(And you don’t have to help him do the work. Read More If her abusive husband is in recovery, shouldn’t a woman stay?)
If you told him, if he knows how to change things up (or down), if he would follow orders from someone he considers superior or someone he wants to impress, if he presented the previous marriage so well that you thought he was a good marriage candidate, he has a basic awareness of his character and actions and their effects on you.
What if my husband doesn’t know he’s hurting me: It’s real?
Abuse does not have to be acknowledged by an abuser to be abuse.
Abuse and subsequent trauma is about your experience: How you receive what happens to you: How patterns of betrayal, abandonment, deception, addiction, coercion, and abuse of power (and the right to do all of these things) have affected you.
YOU are the main story, the measure.
Not to digress, but let’s talk about the basics of a healthy marriage for sometimes, there is an assumption that certain persons or relations are excluded from their observation.
When a healthy marriage experiences normal (not necessarily acceptable) ups and downs, partners still define and own their reality. At least that’s the way. “Well, he doesn’t know that when he’s upset, he’s sharp with me, so I shouldn’t really feel hurt because he doesn’t know he’s hurting me” doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.
Feelings, sensations and effects don’t care what anyone else thinks. It just is. If a partner is rude, your feelings will not consult him to know if his intentions were good or not to decide whether to feel or not. They just exist.
(Depending on your individual relationship with yourself, you can explore beneath the surface of emotions to learn the bigger story. It doesn’t mean that emotions always take precedence. It just means that emotions aren’t stuffed, denied, repressed, or characterized as evil.)
There is a lot to be said for feelings and reality. However, the invitation is to develop an awareness of our inner world and our senses, to explore what lies beneath the surface (within our capacity to do so), to listen and give ourselves what we need in order to to be able to solve and ultimately take better care of ourselves and our concerns.
In a healthy marriage, partners do not dictate/determine their partners’ feelings or reality. We sympathize with feelings. We talk and seek to understand the experiences and perception of our partners. We have in mind the individual and the common bond.
And we remember that our feelings and our reality are our own. We are responsible for ourselves. As long as we express opinions and truths within the bounds of honor, we continue to learn how not to impose ourselves on someone else.
Healthy relationships are healthy because, among other things, 1) Partners feel safe to express their needs, boundaries, hopes and expectations, meaning they know these values and needs themselves 2) Partners do not try to impose their perceptions on their partner. And where they do, they succeed and succeed better.
My point is that you don’t need a partner to validate your experience of them for your experience and feelings to be valid.
You have all the power to define what you are going through. You own your reality. No one can define that for you. God gave you a thinking brain, a feeling body and an understanding heart for this very purpose.
What if my husband doesn’t know he’s hurting me: Your concern
When our past (or present for those in ongoing harmful environments and relationships) is filled with high stress, dysfunction, damage, or chaos, assessing where we end and someone else begins can be challenging.
Sometimes, we don’t even know there’s a difference because in the past, our survival depended on neglecting ourselves: It was not safe to appear as a face with rights and dignity.
I didn’t feel safe to have a voice, to have an opinion, to make a different decision, to feel, to correct someone, to have needs, to be happy, to want something. Sometimes, even our existence was considered an inconvenience.
And when those with more power imposed their will and opinions, there was no room for us to develop or exercise ours.. Little by little, our sense of autonomy and agency was erased.
And now we end up looking outward – as we were forced to in the past (or present) – for validation: our God-given inner map and the ability to trust it has been sandpapered from within, leaving us overly reliant on external validation in our decision-making process .
And even when we are in pain or need to talk, we sometimes feel the need to agree with our assessment of the source of our problems (person or environment). We want to stand by them and help lift their burdens.
All of this leads to a very complicated relationship with ourselves and more problems on our plate.
Today is a gentle reminder that you can begin this journey by beginning to trust yourself. It may be difficult, but the result can be an expanding ability to see the truth, speak the truth to yourself, and live in the truth.
The past should not be an excuse.
The past should never be used as a crutch.
The moment partners see how their habits are hurting others (in case they didn’t know), they’re supposed to do something about it.
And I mean it I am doing something about it. With long lasting fruit to show. Nesting and expecting a partner to “get it” is not a green flag.
To the wife who asks, “Does my husband know he’s abusing me?” “Does my husband know he’s hurting me?” Perhaps an important question to ask yourself is, “What is the truth?”
Remember: when it comes to maintaining a thriving relationship, if a behavior hurts, it needs to be addressed by relevant part. Nothing is addressed until and unless the responsible person takes ownership.
And this is true when a marriage faces regular problems, and is absolutely essential when the problems are chronic and corrosive.
Well, dear wife, it’s okay to let him take his responsibilities. It is okay to consider your needs such as safety and the actual truth of the situation.
Today’s invitation is to continue thinking in terms of where you end and where it begins and what that means for you. When you’re ready, there are communities and resources dedicated to your clarity, healing, and flourishing. See them below.
Online Quizzes:
Community and Resources:
Other Resources
Communication lines
- Canada: 800.799.SAFE (7233)
- United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673).
- United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111
- Australia: 1800 015 188
- New Zealand: 0800 456 450
- Kenya: 0-800-720-072
- Nigeria: 0800 033 3333
- South Africa: 0800 428 428
- Find a shelter or program near you (United States)
