Many people who know I’m an intimacy expert have questions and want to know what measures of sex are considered normal? Some of the questions I hear are:
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How long do people have sex?
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How big is the average penis?
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How do you have good sex?
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What positions are best for good sex?
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Where do most people have sex?
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When do most people have sex?
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Am I normal?
Well, I have to laugh a little as I hear all these questions to be honest, because…
There’s no one-size-fits-all guide to having sex, and if there’s a book out there that claims that, they’re lying. Sexual norms vary by culture, religion, geographic region, and of course, by individual – so that tells you how many possibilities there really are!
Sexual norms make us constantly measure ourselves and our partners against others, and we don’t even know if the people we’re comparing ourselves to are having good sex. I like to refer to this dysfunctional behavior as “comparative” in which we constantly measure ourselves to determine whether we are happy or judgmental about our own enjoyment. Why do we try to label our enjoyment, instead of being in the moment of the experience? If your head is in comparison mode, your body can’t relax to experience pleasure. Sexual norms are often harmful and use criticism and judgment instead of curiosity, so they do not help us to be inquisitive with our needs, which is often the best way to seek and discover pleasure, enjoyment, desire, sensuality or eroticism.
What are sex scripts?
Sexual scripts can be defined as blueprints and instructions for what we define as our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and the sexual component of our self-identification.. They usually manifest through media channels that portray sexual pleasure as mutually exclusive, but in reality, we know that sometimes this is not the case and yet we can still enjoy the experience with our partner. These sexual scripts have changed and morphed over time, depending on what advertisements and mainstream media portray, but are often not actually based on real-life experiences. In the 80s, Calvin Klein ran ads featuring Brooke Shields and Mark Wahlberg and Kate Moss. At the time, these two women were in their teens and came across as sexually suggestive, and a controversy erupted about how we behave sexually. Then sexuality started to become a topic in TV series, in magazines, and yet we still stigmatize it and consider it perverted or offensive and often avoid the topic in our daily conversations with friends. And why are we often more open with our friends about sex than with our partners? Do you have sex with your friends? Perhaps, but more likely with your partner, nevertheless, we avoid talking about pleasure and desires in our relationships.
Where do we learn about sex?
Well, you and I probably get our information from different sources today, as I often read the latest scientific journals or discuss topics with other clinicians. In western society, we often learn through the lenses of the cultures we belong to, the religion we subscribe to, formal education (albeit limited to the school environment) through sexual health classes at school, or through literature (I’m talking written text, not photoshopped photos in magazines), through an informal process of discussing our experiences and those of our peers, and possibly through porn (intended for entertainment rather than educational purposes). Through these lenses we often learn that our sexual scripts favor cis-gender, heterosexual partnerships that often involve two people who are white, tall, blessed with lean physiques, with a definition that most of us can’t achieve, are successful, Little stress or responsibilities as they are often in a position of authority, have a tight stomach, big lips, are always friendly. they may have structured shoulders or jaws, a curvy female body shape and for heaven’s sake their skin is devoid of any discoloration or blemish! So how does this play into how we present ourselves in our bodies, feel confident, and feel comfortable naked in front of strangers (there’s always that first time you strip in front of your partner)? Are we expected to throw away all that head junk and show up absolutely ready to engage in pleasurable and sexual engagement?! Okay, that makes perfect sense. We are all different and as Emily Nagoski explains, “We all have the same parts just organized in different ways.” We need to understand that we have different shapes, sizes and skin pigmentation. Above all, we all have different experiences, thoughts and sensations. This leads us to experience pleasure differently from each other, and that’s the point and it’s normal. It’s okay to like something different, feel different, and engage in different ways, but the focus should be on exploration as a journey, not a destination.
Here’s one thing you’ll hear me say over and over again: All sex is good sex as long as it’s pleasurable and consensual. Period.
Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust and healthy communication in their relationships and offerings online counseling focused on couples therapy & marriage counseling, individual treatment, premarital counseling and intimacy and sexual therapy in San Diego and throughout California. Book a free 15-minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy Your Reality!
