Have you ever thought about your different strengths as a spouse? One sees things one way and the other sees things another way. It’s called vantage points. For many different reasons we don’t see things the same way.
We just went through this last night. I (Sindhi) he saw the source of our tensions as coming from something completely different than what Steve did. We tried to work it out, but it just confused things even more until we recognized that our strengths didn’t match. Eventually it became apparent that the best thing to do was to leave it alone, give each other grace and move on. It wasn’t that important anyway. and it wasn’t worth going through it over and over again. Sometimes it’s just better to unleash our power to speak our mind and move forward to make peace.
It’s not always best to do this if it’s a marriage-killing issue, and yet, it is at other times.
But just recognizing the different strengths helped us a lot. In fact, there was a movie that came out several years ago where this is illustrated. In this film, “the assassination attempt on an American President is shown again and again from different vantage points. It showed how each person saw the same thing, but formed different responses based on their point of view.”
Can you see how this can happen in marriage? We do, and so does Debi Walter (from The Romantic Vineyard Ministry). He wrote a blog on this topic several years ago, and in it, he showed the movie and then made the following relevant points regarding the marriage relationship. She wrote:
Advantages
I found the movie [“Vantage Points”] charming. It was also very helpful in encouraging strong marriages. How, you ask? I think it helps to see how people can witness the exact same event. But they see it in a different way forming a completely different conclusion about what happened.
It helps to realize how often we judge others. This includes our spouse, based on our vantage point, regardless of how he sees it and why. And it helps to know that our spouse can see parts of the situation that we are blind to, thus providing much-needed protection from unseen dangers.
Take social media and marriage
Imagine that one spouse is very “connected” with friends of the opposite sex that the other spouse does not know. It could be a former colleague or an old high school friend. It could be someone they have met online innocently. However, when your husband finds out about your chatting/texting/messaging, he gets upset. It would be easy to dismiss their concern by labeling them as jealous, overprotective, untrustworthy, etc.
But have you thought about their advantage? Being seen talking intimately with someone they don’t know should be a concern. It’s not because you’re unfaithful. Rather, it is because in doing so you open a door that should remain tightly closed.
Tom and I have a rule that we’ve tried to stick to for most of our marriage. We do nothing alone with a member of the opposite sex. Tom says he wants to “avoid the appearance of evil”, even if it is perfectly legal. Being too close, too familiar with someone else is not healthy for any marriage.
Those who have had an adulterous relationship, whether physical or emotional, will tell you that they never intended to have one. They will often say, “It just happened.” Well, that’s their advantage. But he is not honest. If we could replay the tape from another vantage point, we would see where the door had been opened long before the case was made. They let their guard down and may have ignored warning signs from their close friends or spouse.
Watch for warning signs from different vantage points
God intends the partnership between husband and wife to be one where warning signs are heeded and not ignored.
So, if your spouse has expressed concern about how you relate to someone of the opposite sex, we encourage you to listen to his strengths. It might just prevent you from killing your marriage! Or if you’re the one making assumptions about what your husband does or doesn’t do, take the time to explain it from his perspective. It can bring resolution, helping you see that there is no need to worry.
This can be SO TRUE! Thanks, Debi!
Add to this point
We want to close this Insight with an illustration/quote and then most importantly, a scripture. We hope you will prayerfully consider all of this as it pertains to our strengths in marriage. First, the quote:
“I recently took my 4-year-old daughter to the zoo. He really got up near the glass where the smaller animals live. He complained that he could not see many animals from this position. I explained that in order for him to see the majority of the animals in any enclosed area he needs to stand further back. He just didn’t understand that to see a fuller picture, he had to step back to gain more perspective. She was excited to learn this very simple principle.
When I work with couples, they often struggle to recognize what their real challenge is because they are so wrapped up in what they are dealing with. They stand too close to the vantage point where they can’t see the bigger picture. They can see their own perspective, but have such a hard time recognizing their impact on their partner.” (Micki Lavin Pell, from her article, “How Seeing Things From Your Partner’s Point of View Can Boost Your Love”)
Can you see how this can affect the things we have to go through that come into our marriage relationship?
Mainly
Here is a scripture that brings all of this into clearer focus. It is important sometimes to “empty» yourself as Christ Jesus did and look, listen and try to understand our spouse’s vantage point. In Philippians 2:3-5 we are told:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Instead, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.“
We pray to you and we will!
Cindy and Steve Wright
– ADDITIONALLY –
To help you further, we give many personal stories, humor and more practical advice in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to grow your marriage. We hope you’ll pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both online and in print.) Plus, it makes a great gift for someone else. It gives you an opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or image below:
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