Hello friends,
Emotional baggage, we all have it! Although some of us have never experienced an extremely traumatic experience, we have all been hurt in some way. These wounds lead to everyone having some emotional baggage.
Although we can learn a lot from our past, sometimes there are certain experiences that affect our future in an ongoing negative way. If we don’t deal with the emotional baggage from our past, it can weigh us down. It can negatively affect our decisions and actions, which can be detrimental to our relationships, especially our marriage.
Sometimes we see these negative effects and know exactly where they came from and why. Other times we deal with issues in our marriage and don’t realize it’s an underlying past experience that’s causing the mess.
In those moments we tend to deal with the symptoms but not the cause. By leaving the real problem unattended, we are simply buying our time until it rears its ugly head again in our relationship.
No one is immune
Emotional baggage can be extremely problematic in a marriage relationship.
Because EVERYONE has emotional baggage of some kind. If you think you don’t, trust me, you do, or at least you have at some point. Even the smallest injury in your past can cause future problems if not addressed and healed.
When you have two people, each with their own baggage coming into a relationship, problems will arise. Scandals are about to be exposed. No one is immune. However, this does not mean that your marriage is doomed. Actually the opposite.
In marriage, we have the unique opportunity to be part of the Father’s redemptive work. We take a leading role in our spouse’s life story. We must participate in helping them and becoming more like Jesus. Marriage is one of the most important ministries you will ever be a part of. It is a ministry of redemption, restoration and working together on mission to help others.
Let’s face it, it’s easier to run when you’re not carrying something heavy. So if we’re going to run together, let’s look at some ways we can lighten our load by unpacking any unnecessary emotional baggage we may have.
Ways to unpack your emotional baggage
Identify the Problems
The first step to unpacking the emotional baggage that is negatively affecting your relationship is to identify what the problem areas are. This part of the process can take months or possibly years, depending on the severity of your past experiences. The important thing here is to handle one issue at a time.
Think about how you unpack a real suitcase. Yes, you can throw everything on the bed and wash it, but you have to hang the clothes piece by piece. You can do the same with your emotional baggage.
You can do a brain dump on a piece of paper listing all the issues you want to address and clear, but tackle them one at a time. Ask your husband to help you with this. They may spot things that you would consider normal because of your past experiences. Working together as a team can be difficult when dealing with emotional baggage. Plenty of grace should be given, but you’re more likely to succeed if you have someone on your team.
Also, be ready to add things to the list as they come up. There will come a time when you are going through this unpacking phase where you will be activated. This trigger may come as a surprise. You may not have known this issue existed until it surfaced in your marriage.
If this happens, add it to the list, but again focus on one thing at a time.
Remember that we hang clothes one by one and successfully empty our luggage of things we don’t need so we can fill them with good things for the next adventure. You can unpack your emotional baggage in the same way.
Recognize and Communicate the Feeling
As you work your way through your emotional baggage piece by piece, you’ll experience emotions associated with whatever issue you’re dealing with. Acknowledge and communicate these feelings. This is the only true way you can process and heal. It’s also the only way your husband will really know what’s going on and how to help.
As we move through this process your marriage should be a safe space. When you flare up, instead of reacting, you need to respond to your spouse and let them know how you feel and why you feel that way. If you need to cry, cry. If you must get angry, go ahead, but make sure your anger is directed at the right target. It’s okay to feel whatever emotion you need, as long as you don’t see your spouse as an enemy. Talk to them about any feelings so they know how to best help you.
Don’t overcomplicate communication here. One way you can keep it very simple is by making “I feel” statements. For example, if you know that abandonment is part of your emotional baggage instead of being angry and yelling at your partner, you could say:
“When you didn’t call me or call me, I felt scared that you left me.”
Not only does this give you a chance to express your fears and feelings, but it gives your spouse a chance to tell the truth about those fears.
Make special accommodations
Now that you’ve identified some problem areas and started communicating those issues and your feelings to your spouse, you can create a plan of action.
This may mean that you and your spouse do and say things differently than other couples around you. What’s okay for others, may not be okay for your relationship, but here’s the truth about it.
Your marriage and your husband deserve whatever changes need to be made.
I like what Gary Chapman said in “The Five Languages of Apology”.
“The idea that we only need to make changes when we do something morally wrong is wrong. In healthy marriages, we often make changes that are not about morality but about building a harmonious marriage.”
If a change will bring peace and harmony to your marriage, no matter how silly it may sound or if other people agree, make the change.
Protect each other and your marriage at all costs
Alex and I did this in our relationship and it was so beneficial. Some people have asked us why we do things a certain way. We simply explain that we do things this way to protect our marriage and each other.
For example, when Alex and I argue, neither of us leaves the house. We might go into another room or walk outside, but no one gets into a car and actually drives away.
Alex does this for me. During one of our first fights, he went for a drive to clear his head. Little did I know this would affect me the same way. As soon as he left, I immediately felt afraid that he would never come back.
Was it morally wrong for him to go for a walk to calm down? Absolutely not, but it scared the crap out of me. So we created a rule that would benefit our marriage.
We’ve had a few more arguments in the 11 years we’ve been together, but he hasn’t left our property since. Because of this I have not experienced the fear I felt that day.
So look at your own relationship and create what is necessary to improve your relationship.
There is a lot of healing and peace that comes to marriage when some intentional changes are made.
Go to Therapy
There are some issues that are easily dealt with at home. However, some issues can be deep-rooted. It’s okay to acknowledge the fact that you need help to cope. If you find yourself in a situation where your emotional baggage is just too overwhelming for you and your spouse to handle on your own, get help.
Find a therapist, pastor, mentor, or all of the above. Do whatever it takes to get the treatment you need. Your well-being, your marriage, and your spouse are worth every bit of work you have to do.
There’s no shame in asking for help. It’s brave!
Free indeed
The enemy wants to keep us trapped and in a cycle of destructive behaviors. He wants us to believe that our past can dictate our future and that there is nothing we can do to change that. The truth is, our past can be detrimental to our future, but only if we let it.
John 8:36 says, “If therefore the Son shall set you free, ye shall be free indeed.”
Because of Jesus we can walk in victory. We can let go of past experiences and destructive behaviors. Work with Jesus, your spouse, and any other help you may need. Dive into God’s Word and learn about the abundant life purchased for you on the cross.
You can be single and your marriage can thrive.
Now let’s start unpacking!
For 5 ways to love your spouse well while unpacking emotional baggage, check out our blog The 5 Acts of Love
