In a world where social ties are considered a fundamental aspect of human life, the shrinking circle of close friends among adult men is becoming a matter of increasing concern. As a psychotherapist of 20 years specializing in men’s issues and relationships, my partners and I see this phenomenon firsthand. We are worried. The research reveals a surprising reality: men are simply less satisfied with their friendships compared to women. With less than 50% of men satisfied with their friendships and only 20% receiving emotional support from friends each week, the comparison with 40% of women is stark.
The decline in male friendships often begins during adolescence and becomes more pronounced with age. While boys do not innately have the ability to connect emotionally, they often become men who are emotionally distant. Truly all humans have an innate need for close connections, with these connections critical not only to our growth but also to our survival.
The impact of loneliness
An important consequence of the lack of close friendships – loneliness – can be as damaging to our health as obesity or smoking. When men feel alone and disconnected, the effects can become quite real and incredibly impactful.
Recognizing this emotional distress would not only improve well-being but also reduce loneliness. However, men often ignore the profound importance of sharing their suffering with loved ones, friends, colleagues or even mental health providers.
The problem is rooted in traditional norms of masculinity that often discourage the expression of vulnerability, an essential component of deep friendships. For decades, the stigma surrounding male bonding has been an obstacle. This is further complicated by entrenched gender roles that capitalize on stoicism and independence, often at the expense of emotional openness and interdependence.
Man up
The consequence of such a culture is not only apparent loneliness but an increased tendency towards anger and violence. It’s often why men struggle with intimate relationships.
We are in a social paradox where our food instincts collide with the expectations of ‘manhood’. By forcing boys to conform to these restrictive rules, we absolutely set them up for struggles in adulthood.
Additionally, over-reliance on romantic partners for emotional support can strain relationships. It’s vital to cultivate a community of diverse perspectives and support, yet many men often advance their romantic relationships with the expectation that a primary partner can and should meet all of their emotional needs. The challenge is not just to seek support from various other people, but to offer that support by being vulnerable, authentic and transparent. These are traits that are often mistaken for a weakness rather than a strength.
Effects of digital communication
Modern communication methods like texting and social media often get in the way of deeper conversations. Men, who may already be less inclined to share feelings, may find digital platforms insufficient to express their feelings authentically, and for those who open up emotionally through electronic media, this medium of communication and connection may hinder the importance of face to face interactions.
You may feel less anxious to talk openly through type, but cultivating and deepening friendship through this format does little to train young men’s minds to be face-to-face, where eye contact and other non-verbals are fundamental . ways we relate. Men need to learn to live with the stress that can come from being in a shared space with another person, where interactions are dynamic and real-time, rather than allowing for the carefully planned and edited written responses our devices offer us. .
Case Study: Me
As someone in the business of talking to people all day, you might assume that a male therapist has a relatively easy time developing close personal relationships and stable friendships. Maybe others do, but I’ve found myself facing many of the same challenges described in this post.
I remember 20 years ago in high school when a classmate and I would use our 15 minute recess to go outside for some fresh air. The first few times we found ourselves hanging out outside the school together, we did what two men usually do: a brief nod of recognition, but otherwise pretending the other just wasn’t there. But I found this person interesting, having heard his comments during the course. I wondered if this might be someone I could relate to, so one day I jumped at the chance and picked up on what started as an awkward conversation.
Without discussing it, we seemed to understand that during each of these breaks for the rest of the quarter, we would use that time to talk. We made enough of a connection that he was the next to take a chance by suggesting we go for coffee. Coffee became the casual lunch, which one of us at some point suggested would be the next dinner with our spouses at a restaurant, which eventually became dinner at each other’s houses.
Today, this guy is one of my very favorite people on the planet, and a friendship for which my wife and I are immensely grateful. But it couldn’t have taken root if we weren’t each willing to face the vulnerability of exploring the possibility of a deep, meaningful connection and the investment of time and energy needed to cultivate a rewarding and lasting friendship.
Deepening our connections
Building deeper male friendships requires a transition from simple pleasantries to a meaningful commitment. Here are some suggestions on how to do it:
- Ask your friends real questions.
- Show genuine interest.
- Be present (leave your phone during interactions).
- Find shared activities that provide face-to-face, or at least side-by-side, connection that fosters camaraderie.
Starting small and being intentional is key. Initiating an invitation to coffee or taking up a shared hobby can lay the groundwork for stronger bonds. It’s about quality over quantity, where a few meaningful friendships can have a significant impact on one’s well-being.
It is important for men to recognize the importance of cultivating deep friendships, not as a social expectation but as a personal health imperative. By challenging outdated stereotypes and embracing vulnerability, men can build the emotional support networks they need. It’s time to redefine masculinity, not as a barrier to intimacy, but as a bridge to stronger, healthier human connections.
