8 minutes reading
Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking two different languages? Well – you might very well be. When you feel misunderstood and that your partner just doesn’t understand you, it may be a matter of speaking different love languages.
And if your sex life is also out of sync – you may also be speaking different sexual love languages.
But don’t worry, just because you’re different doesn’t mean it’s the beginning of the end. Learning to understand and love each other through your preferred love languages is as powerful as it is fun!
What are love languages?
In their most basic form, love languages are how we as humans express and receive love. They were created by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages» and include:
- words of affirmation,
- Quality time,
- receiving gifts,
- acts of service,
- Natural touch.
These languages are like communication channels through which you convey your feelings to your partner.
The brilliance of love languages is that they show how differently people experience feeling loved by their partner.
They also show how multifaceted love is. there isn’t just one way that everyone likes to feel loved. Rather – we are all different and therefore we all have different preferences, too.
Where do they come from
Our preferred ways of loving sometimes come from childhood and the way our parents showed (or didn’t show) us love. This in turn can cause a person to want love from their partner in a certain way. Some preferences are also closely related to your personality or insecurities you may have.
For example, words of affirmation about your body may be directly linked to an insecurity you have about your body. While acts of service can show how your partner’s ability to help balance your mental load makes you feel most cared for.
But while love languages are deceptively simple, it’s important to note that most of us have multiple love languages (and they’re not always in the top 5!).
Many people have both a primary and a secondary love language, and some feel that they all fit the bill. As with all things in love – love languages and how we relate to them are subjective.
The great thing about learning to understand how your partner loves – is that you can greatly improve your relationship. As with verbal communication, fluency in your partner’s love language can lead to a more fulfilling and exciting relationship.2
Sexual Love Languages: The Missing Piece
For couples who understand their respective love languages but still face challenges in the bedroom – it may be a matter of misunderstanding your sexual love languages.
Because even if you indulge in “Quality Time” with your partner, making time for a date or putting your phones in the other room while you eat together – that may not translate to what you do in the bedroom if you’re always on the go.
For some people, their love languages are similar to their sexual love languages. Verbal appreciation both in and out of the bedroom is equally important – for others, it’s not one and the same.
What are sexual love languages?
Sexual love languages are the ways you enjoy sex and the roles sex can fulfill for you.
This includes all aspects of sex:
- How do you experience desire,
- How you show desire,
- Your interest in being sexual,
- What does sex mean to you?
- What does it mean to you when you don’t have sex?
Your sexual love languages, like your general love languages, may well differ, even if you’re in a happy relationship. And as with love languages – sexual ones can be closely tied to who you are as a person. If you like to be in control in life, you may enjoy being in control and feeling powerful during sex.
If you’re pretty relaxed about life and go with the flow, you may not have particular sexual desires that you want fulfilled – rather, you’re happy to oblige your partner with what he wants and needs.
You don’t necessarily choose your sexual love languages. But they also may not fall off – they can change over time and throughout your relationship. As with me everything sexual – is in constant flux. Just because you liked something 19 years ago – doesn’t mean you like it as much today.
There are many different theories about sexual love languages – which ones exist and how they manifest and why they arise. For example, some people talk about sexual love languages as:
- Romantic,
- Harmonic,
- Connected,
- Primary.
Others may include more categories. The important thing to note is that you and your partner may have different sexual love languages – and that this can sometimes be the root of sexual and general conflict.
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How different sexual love languages create conflict in relationships
If you don’t know your partner’s sexual love language or haven’t discussed your possible differences in sexual preferences – it can lead to some pretty unpleasant sex – and a relationship on the rocks.
Because not only may you have different ways of getting in the mood for sex – but you may also enjoy different kinds of sex altogether.
And let’s be honest for a second – trying to find a way to bring these differences together can be a real challenge. The good news is that there’s a lot you can do to bridge the gap, even marry your differences.
Is one love language better than the other?
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that one love language and sexual love language is inherently better than another. This is especially true as our culture often dictates what is better than the rest. For example, in some social circles, if you enjoy receiving gifts, you may be considered “greedy” or “shallow” because it is not perceived as deeply as quality time or acts of service.
When looking at sexual love languages, it is sometimes considered “better” to have a romantic profile compared to a kinky profile, as there is a lot of stigma attached to practices like BDSM.
However – there is nothing right or wrong about love languages – sexual or otherwise. Nor is it bad to have a different one from our partner.
Mainstream media should never dictate what a healthy relationship or sexuality looks like – the only opinion that matters is yours (and your partner’s!).
How to manage your different approaches to sex and connection
Strategy #1 – Talk about it, talk about it, and then talk about it some more.
When it comes to differences in your relationship, whether sexual or otherwise, it’s hard to talk about them. Because if you don’t talk – how can you find a solution together?
And if you don’t talk – how can you know what your partner wants and needs from you?
While talking about our differences is rarely an opportunity we jump at – it’s important to do so nonetheless. If you don’t, you risk breaking up over time. Talking about love languages and sexual love languages will increase the chances of a really great, intimate bond.
If you find it difficult to talk about your differences, posting an article like this can be a great way to break it down. This way you both have the same information at hand when you start the conversation.
When talking about your differences, be sure to talk about what they are, as well as find any possible similarities. Then create a plan for how to make sure you’re both participating in each other’s preferred sexual love language.
One important thing to keep in mind especially when it comes to sexual love languages is that you should never engage in something for the sake of your partner if it makes you incredibly uncomfortable. Being a little edgy is always okay, but at the end of the day, if you prefer candles and the missionary position, while your partner wants whips and rope – you might want to see a sex therapist about how to marry your differences. Because it is possible to do it – but it can be difficult on your own.
Strategy #2 – Ask your partner how they would like you to start testing your love language.
When talking about how to act in ways that match your partner’s love language – be as specific as possible.
You may know what “Affirmation Words” entail – but without examples, you risk your partner missing the mark and therefore not getting what you really desire.
Because if your partner thinks you want to hear how attractive you are – when you really want to be praised for the work you do – you’ll both feel frustrated over time. Just like with food – specifics make a big difference in a dish, and so do specifics when it comes to love languages and sex, too!
When to get help if you’re constantly speaking different love languages and hurting your relationship
While the concept of love languages and sexual love languages may seem simple enough at first glance – it can get complicated quite quickly.
You may find that you struggle as a couple to ever be in the mood for sex at the same time.
Or you may feel that the sex you have is more satisfying to one partner’s love language than the other partners.
You may find that you constantly give your partner a lot to meet his sexual love language – but he doesn’t try to meet yours needs of.
Or you fight all the time and you both feel like you’re never enough and that everything you do is wrong.
These are all signs that it’s time to seek help. Because while it may not be a threat to your relationship yet, over time you risk creating a disconnect that turns into a big rift.
A sex therapist or sex coach can help you work on both the relationship side and the sexual side of things. So you can go from feeling like something is wrong – to feeling like everything is so right. Because there was a reason you loved each other in the first place – and you can connect with it again!
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