Scene 1: A father expresses his last wishes in his will. Unfortunately, the eldest son, the executor, had little desire to honor it, causing problems for the family. His thought? Their father is no longer a witness to any of this. He is in command.
Scene 2: A mother is cut off from her married son because she likes to express her opinion on all matters. Her thought? She is a vocal person and should be allowed to speak her mind. She doesn’t really care about the ramifications of her opinion.
How many families have been broken up because of annoying statements and stupid arguments? Too many to count, that the Bible even includes how we should treat each other as a family unit. Writing to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul said: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and your mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may go well with you and you may live long on earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (6:1-4). Paul brought the same passage to the Colossians, emphasizing the fact that wherever families are, there will be a constant battle between parents and children.
Too often, we only see one side of the coin – and it depends on what role we play in the family relationship. If you are the parent, you always think that you have the most important role in the family and your children show better respect for you. It doesn’t matter what you say or do that can be adversarial and divisive. What matters is that your power of attorney covers regardless of the age of your children.
If you are the child – and an adult – you are also looking for respect. You’re all grown up, an independent person—maybe even with a family of your own—and you need to live your own life without being told how to do it. You don’t need your parents to interfere with your every move, nor do you want your mom or dad to throw in their two cents.
Parental Responsibility
Parents have the express responsibility of raising a child from birth to adolescence. And this is not just about providing the basic physical needs of food, clothing and shelter. It also includes caring for the child’s emotional and spiritual well-being. God provided parenting as a special care, so it is very important to honor this role. As parents, we should desire to “train up a child in the way he should follow. even when he is old he will not go away from it” (Proverbs 22:6). The idea of cultivating discipline is for our sons and daughters to listen and be attentive to our instructions (Proverbs 4:1) and remember our teachings (Proverbs 3:1) not only today, but forever.
As parents, we need to understand that parenting patterns will also change along with the child’s development. As the Bible says, “for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, because he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:13-14). We need to help our children deepen their faith, giving them the opportunity to fully understand, embrace and live out their own personal relationships with Christ. not merely to imitate our model faith.
Children’s Responsibility
A child is also instructed to value parental discipline. Several times in Proverbs 4, we read of the result of hearing and remembering the instructions of parents: you will “live” (v.4) and “the years of your life may be many” (v.10). These guidelines are meant to set boundaries to prevent a child from following the wrong path and avoiding harm. How many times have we heard of a child, even at a young middle school age, beginning to wander to walk the broad road of darkness? There are many who have experienced juvenile detention, entered foster care, or died because of disobedience.
Family relationships are indeed complex. Sometimes it is difficult to navigate due to some difficult characters within the family unit. A domineering parent can impose his opinion on the children without caring about the outcome of such. The black sheep or prodigal child can raise everyone’s stress level. sometimes even causing a physical illness such as a heart attack. Some may claim authenticity with words like “That I am!” or “I don’t care how you feel because that’s how I feel!” that even the “welcome mat” of empathy is worn out and must be thrown away. There may be no respectful conversation left, where everyone hopes to keep conflicts at bay by learning how to behave and focus on healthy communication.
Navigating Family Relationships God’s Way
A family with strong spiritual well-being will be more successful because of the desire to have a positive outlook on life, recognizing that the parent-child relationship is also transforming. Parents of these adult children rely on accepting the “let go and let God” phase, but parental support is available when needed. In the same way, adult children can fully begin their independent lives knowing that parental encouragement is also available.
Balancing family roles will be easier if we remember to “honor our father and mother” and “not provoke our children to anger.” We do not need to be heavy-handed in our discipline or use intimidation to demand a certain response or behavior. We know nothing good will come from bullying, only resistance and rebellion. In the same way, we don’t need to be disrespectful and impatient with parents, especially as they get older. It is good to show them appreciation and affection by explaining in a positive way how responsibilities and decision-making for adult children are now an important aspect of one’s life.
Family relationships are important. As we continually upgrade and refresh our homes, we must make changes in the way we handle our relationships, giving each other the opportunity to change and become the persons God designed us to be. It is best to avoid stressing our relationships and letting each other down by intentionally saying or doing things that provoke and upset. Let’s stay away from insults and derogatory comments that hurt us all.
It’s time to appreciate our families! Let’s put the family drama aside and share God’s love with each other.
Photo: ©Getty Images/Thomas Barwick
Louisa Collopy is an author, speaker, and women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (the language of her heart), which aired on Philippine FEBC stations. Louisa loves spending time with her family for meals and karaoke!
