No three are exactly the same. Whether it’s spontaneous or planned, your first threesome or your tenth, inviting a third person into what for many of us is a two-person situation always makes things a little different. Many times, this is a good (and exciting!) thing, a much-needed way to spice things up in the bedroom, especially for established couples looking for something new. But no matter the context or how many partners you have, one thing remains the same: you’re going to have to talk about some things.
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We mean talking about what feels good and what you agree on — making sure everyone is on the same page before the fun starts — as well as setting clear boundaries. Sometimes a partner is more interested in watching than participating. other times, everyone wants an equal share of the physical action. And this type of communication is right there a couple on Reddit he is struggling.
This couple has been pursuing trimesters for most of their relationship, inviting other women into their bedroom and having a great time doing it. But a recent meeting ended badly, with the wife (aka our OP, or the author of the post) feeling cheated in the middle of her own threesome. She shared her experience on Reddit’s r/relationship advice forum, and Redditors were more than ready to weigh in on the “difficult” situation. Keep reading for the full story.
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“Very open”
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The OP writes that she and her husband were “very open to non-monogamous sex” during their relationship. In their case, that means threesomes between the two of them and another person. She said their three pairings with other girls were “really enjoyed” by all involved. After a steady third partner stopped seeing them to explore more serious relationships, OP and her husband were looking for other women to invite into the bedroom.
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A new partner
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OP’s husband interested in trying a threesome with “another particular girl,” OP writes. OP was open to this, and after meeting with her several times, she thought the new woman would be a great fit – she was attractive, personable, and confident.
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Feeling of withdrawal
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Cut to the OP and her husband’s first intercourse with the new woman, which didn’t go exactly as planned. “I was more of a spectator than an active participant,” the OP writes. The other woman was “whole” with her husband in a way that OP he felt uncomfortable. And whenever OP’s husband tried to get the other woman to include OP, she “just wouldn’t do it.”
OP was on the verge of crying and throwing up when her husband and the other woman started having sex, describing it as intimate in a way that their previous trimesters never were. “I was literally sitting there on the bed, completely naked, watching my husband make love to another woman,” she writes.
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“Not a good match”
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Speaking about the situation afterward, OP’s husband said that the other woman was “a little too much for OP” and not enough for OP — which, he said, is the part that turns him on anyway (which some Redditors disputed later… more on that in a minute). They agreed that the other woman was not a good match for them, but while OP’s husband didn’t think it was a big deal, OP disagreed. He felt “horrific” at what he had seen. “I’m so confused and honestly hurt.”
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What does Reddit think?
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In the title of the OP’s post, she said she felt somehow cheated in the middle of this trinity. In the comments, however, Redditors reminded her that she had agreed to the threesome, so her husband wasn’t exactly cheating — she was just assuming (and understandably hurt by) the emotional intimacy between her husband and the other woman.
One commenter said they wouldn’t consider the situation a scam, but said it seemed like an “almost inevitable complication to an already pretty complicated dynamic.” That said, the commenter said it was completely understandable to be hurt. Her husband, they said, “crossed the line” by continuing to “deepen” the experience with a partner who had rejected his wife. With that in mind, the commenter also pointed out that the other woman’s interest in OP. “If that were the case, ignoring you wouldn’t have resulted in deep intimate sex between them,” they wrote.
Other commenters agreed and wondered why OP’s husband hadn’t called off the trio when it was clear OP was being ignored and upset about it.
Either way, Redditors gave the OP some advice: she and her husband need to set clear boundaries and parameters for their threesomes. Boundaries are important in any relationship, but especially in open relationships or ethical non-monogamy, experts told SheKnows, as they can help keep partners from getting hurt in these difficult situations. First, one Redditor said, “You may need to sit down together and agree that if there is any discomfort, either of you can call it quits without fear of repercussions. You may also need to agree to the exclusion of certain acts of intimacy.’ Other commenters recommended that all partners create a safe word to stop the meeting if necessary.
The top commenter sympathizes with the OP, noting that “three-pointers can be tricky.” They noticed that usually one person ends up being left out, and in OP’s case, that was usually her husband — a role she enjoys, which means she may not realize how much it hurt OP to be in this situation. “You need to communicate more about this,” the commenter said. “If you’ve only had one conversation about it since it happened, you’re not communicating nearly enough.” OP and her husband should be in a place of complete emotional openness, they said, so that they feel completely safe and comfortable talking about their feelings during or after a threesome.
We think the top commenter has it right: communication is the only solution here. The good news is that OP and her husband are already on the same page about never seeing this other woman again. which leaves the door open for them to turn on each other and let the OP fully express how hurt she is by this situation. It’s never easy to talk about things that hurt us (vulnerability is scary!), but it’s the best way to show how you really feel — and it might even bring OP and her husband even closer as a result.
