Most of us know all too well the lure of breakup sex. Having a relationship with someone so strong that you just want to experience it one more time before you call it quits. Even if you know it’s not in your best interest.
So, why do we do it (literally)?
A study of 17-24 year olds found that 27% of participants reported having breakup sex within two years of ending a relationship. Even scientists are not immune to the phenomenon of sexual dissolution.
Why do people have breakup sex?
A comprehensive study by psychologists at Bucknell University and Tulane University made a list of the top 52 reasons people have breakup sex. The top five were:
- Sex is fun
- Miss Sex
- You want to get back together
- They miss each other
- Loneliness
Let’s break it down and take a look at some other driving factors.
Emotional regulation
Breakups can negatively affect others self esteem and emotional health. Although on average, women report less negative feelings about breakups than men and tend to be happier for their decision to divorce.
However, people are often tempted to have sex with their ex to relieve these feelings of sadness and boost their self-esteem – even though it can further complicate matters.
To maintain their way of life
Historically speaking, humans may have engaged in breakup sex as an adaptive strategy. Trying to stay with a partner can help avoid loss of resources and social status.
If we look at this through a modern lens, some of these concepts still apply. Like people trying to maintain the social groups they had with their ex or prevent moving out of their home.
Separation confusion
The separations are not usually clean. In fact, it often isn’t. The confusion or ambivalence that one or both people have about the end of their relationship can lead them to drag it out by continuing to have sex with each other, without the other elements of the relationship – such as commitment.
Sex may also not carry the same weight for everyone. Some people may be able to have sex with an ex without old feelings resurfacing or creating more confusion.
Disadvantages of sex separation
One of the hardest parts about breakup sex is that it can prolongs the healing process. Sometimes we just need space to get over someone. Even if the dynamics of a relationship have changed, sex can make it difficult to move on with your life.
Another disadvantage is that separation sex could reinforce expectation mismatches that people may have, giving false hope. One person may want to get back together or continue having sex without commitment while the other may want a last hurray or struggle to set boundaries even though they want to stop having sex together.
There is also the risk i regret having sex with an ex and the feelings that can come from it. Studies show that women are more likely to feel bad about themselves after having sex with an ex, while men are more likely to feel better about themselves.
Are there benefits to breakup sex?
There is always the possibility that breakup sex can lead to a rekindling a relationship. This can be tempting, especially when you still have strong feelings for someone. The reality is that while you may be able to make it work if you don’t address the underlying issues behind the breakup, sex isn’t going to solve them.
ONE study who followed people for two months after a breakup found that having sex at various times during those two months did not negatively affect their well-being. That doesn’t mean it won’t negatively affect some people, but it depends on the person and the situation.
So, you just had breakup sex…
You’ve just had breakup sex, or maybe the other side of your bed is getting cold and you need help warming it up just once. Good here are some tips.
If you think we’re going to tell you not to, think again.
Being human is hard. Breakups are hard. Disappointment sucks. Relationships (and breakups) are complicated and nuanced. It’s very natural to want to have sex with your ex again, even when you know it’s not right.
Our advice? Relax a little. Be kind to yourself. Next, set some boundaries.
You may need to go no contact for a while just to give both of you time to heal. Lean on whatever support and community you have. Friends, family, therapist. Allow yourself to be nurtured so that you are less inclined to reach out to your ex just to have someone there.
We know this is hard, but you will get through it.
