Being rejected by a potential romantic partner always hurts, but if you were rejected by the act of “ghosting,” rejection can hurt even more. With more people turn to dating apps to find their significant other, ghosting is on the rise.
ONE 2019 study found that 29% of participants had imagined someone and 25% had been ghosted by someone themselves. So if you’ve been talking to someone on a dating app for weeks, or maybe you even went on a date with them and then they disappeared, know that you’re not alone!
Being ghosted can be a very unpleasant and hurtful experience, and because of the lack of closure, some people find it difficult to move on. So, if you’ve recently been ghosted and want to find an explanation as to why, let’s look at the reasons why people choose to ghost.
What is ghosting?
Ghosting is an act of abruptly cutting off all contact with a person. This includes ignoring phone calls, texts, emails, social media DMs, and all other forms of communication. While people mostly talk about ghosting in a romantic relationship world, it also applies to friendships and even work relationships (for example: quitting your job without telling your boss counts as ghosting).
Why do people imagine?
It may come as a surprise to you, but there are actually a few reasons why people choose to fantasize about potential romantic partners, and it’s not because they’re a-holes. Here’s what researchers have discovered about why some people love ghosting:
It’s just not that into you
ONE BuzzFeed Survey 2019 on ghosting revealed that even 81% of participants have ghosted someone on a dating app because they didn’t like them. In the same survey, when participants were asked when they thought someone owed them closure, the majority of participants (70%+) said that only if you went on more than one date, had sex, and met each other’s friends did someone owes an explanation for ending a relationship.
So if you’ve been ghosted after texting someone for weeks, you might just not care and don’t consider being told a priority this early in a relationship.
Life got in the way
While it’s not a valid reason to cut off all contact with someone and leave them confused, one reason people might have thought that life got in the way and chose to stop dating.
Major life events such as family issues, illness or work problems can all act as major stressors in a person’s life and this can be a reason why they choose to cut off communication to reduce the tension they are experiencing.
Depression
One of the things that people with depression struggle with is isolating and pushing people away. During a depressive episode, one may feel low and lack the energy to keep in touch with friends and even romantic partners. So maybe the person you were talking to was going through a depressive episode and that’s why they disappeared without explanation.
Boredom
A study found that many people use dating apps as a way to cure boredom, and researchers believe it may be a reason for ghosts. Some people join dating apps to distract themselves from boredom and may send messages back and forth, but because they aren’t really interested in making genuine connections, they often stop responding.
It can be hard to know for sure if a person you’re messaging on a dating app is really interested in finding a romantic partner or is just there to pass the time. But a good indication can be whether their messages are engaged from the beginning or not.
Short, one-word answers and a lack of interest in asking you questions can be good indicators that they are not serious and may just be swiping left and right because they are bored. Keeping this in mind can be helpful when trying to protect yourself from ghosting.
Avoiding confrontation
A little study found that some people may ghost to avoid conflict. 16% of respondents said the reason they fancied someone on a dating app was because they didn’t want to hurt their feelings with a rejection and felt that simply cutting off all contact was a better option.
It’s all about their attachment style
Each of us has an attachment style that is formed early in life and affects how we appear in relationships. There are four different attachment styles:
- Secure attachment
- Avoiding attachment
- Anxious attachment
- Disorganized attachment
People with avoidant and anxious attachment styles may be more prone to ghosting because they have trouble processing and communicating emotions.
You weren’t their soul mate
A little study led by psychologist Gili Freedman, Ph.D. found a very interesting connection between beliefs in destiny and ghosts. Even 60% of people who had strong beliefs in destiny (i.e. they they believe in soul mates and “the one” when it comes to romantic relationships) believed that ghosting is an acceptable way to end a romantic relationship.
So, it may be that if a person you’ve been talking to doesn’t think you two are meant to be, they may choose to imagine you instead of discussing ending a relationship.
It has nothing to do with you
Unfortunately, some people tend to blame ghosts on themselves. In a Study 2021 The researchers found that 37% of respondents who were ghosted believed it was their fault. Respondents were convinced they were ghosts because they were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not interesting enough, among other things.
A portion of the participants thought they were doing something wrong, which made the person they were talking to ghost them, and some believed that refusing to have sex during a date or even at work had an influence.
One important thing to know about being ghosted is that it’s never about you, it’s about the other person doing the ghosting. More often than not, it shows the other person’s inability to communicate and express their feelings, lack of respect for others’ time, and immaturity.
It’s natural to seek closure and explanation if you’ve been ghosted. But try to avoid shifting the blame onto yourself, and thinking it’s your fault that they imagined you.
