Maintaining a vibrant and fulfilling sexual relationship requires effort, communication and a deep understanding of the other’s needs and desires. Over time, couples often report a decrease in their level of sexual desire for each other [1] and many are looking for ways to keep the “spark” or passion alive in their relationships [2].
As discussed in previous posts, one of the big reasons why desire declines is the Coolidge effect (ie, an unsatisfied need for sexual novelty). Maintaining desire also has a lot to do with maintaining physical attraction and emotional connection with our partners. But there’s another often-overlooked, but equally important factor we need to recognize: self-expansion. In this blog, we’ll delve into the importance of self-enlargement in keeping sexual relationships healthy.
What is Self-Extension?
Self-expansion, a concept proposed by psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron, refers to the idea of individuals seeking to expand their identities, experiences, and capabilities through relationships with others. [3]. It involves stepping out of one’s comfort zone, trying new things, and constantly evolving as individuals within a partnership. To be clear, self-expansion is more than just innovation. it’s about developing a sense of self and understanding who we are.
The role of self-expansion in sexual relationships
In the context of sexual relationships, self-enhancement plays a key role in maintaining excitement, passion, and connection over time. Aron and Aron explained that our relationships with others provide unique opportunities to learn more about ourselves and expand our perspectives. [3]. This expansion within relationships can have a variety of positive implications for romantic relationships. Here are some examples of how self-expansion can potentially benefit relationships:
- Prevention routines and predictability: One of the biggest challenges in long-term relationships is the tendency to settle into routines, which leads to predictability and boredom. In her book Mating in captivity, Esther Perel explains how, over time, couples tend to become more stable, predictable, comfortable, and emotionally close. but, at the same time, this closeness and stability can stifle desire [2]. Self-expansion, on the other hand, encourages couples to explore new activities, hobbies, and adventures together, introducing novelty and spontaneity to their sexual experiences.
- Promoting Growth and Development: Engaging in activities that involve self-expansion can lead to personal growth and development. Whether it’s learning a new skill, pursuing shared interests, trying something new together, or setting mutual goals, couples can bond over the journey of self-improvement, strengthening their emotional connection and intimacy in the process. For example, in three studies of people in committed relationships, researchers reported that having opportunities for expansion in their relationship was associated with relationship commitment [4].
- Enhancement of Attraction and Desire: Stepping out of familiar roles and exploring new aspects of oneself can rekindle attraction and desire within a relationship. For example, researchers have reported that engaging in self-enhancing activities with a partner is associated with improved sexual desire, and that this increased desire leads to greater relationship satisfaction [5]. When people are constantly evolving and surprising each other with their potential and interests, it keeps the spark alive and prevents stagnation in the bedroom. As Perel has suggested, seeing a partner in a new light and recognizing them as unique and separate from oneself creates opportunities for longing and desire [2].
- Deepening emotional intimacy: Expanding the self is not just about trying new activities. It’s also about deepening emotional intimacy by sharing vulnerabilities, dreams and aspirations. Couples who engage in self-expansion together may communicate more openly, empathize with each other’s experiences, and forge a stronger emotional bond, which translates into a more satisfying sexual relationship.
Practical ways to incorporate self-expansion into your relationship
Now that we understand the importance of self-expansion to keep sexual relationships alive, let’s explore some practical ways to incorporate it into your partnership:
- Try new activities together: Whether it’s taking a cooking class, learning a new language, or setting out on outdoor adventures, explore activities that push you out of your comfort zones and encourage growth. Couples may also want to explore each other’s fantasies, bring a new toy into the bedroom, or try new ways to seduce and please each other.
- Set mutual goals: Identify common goals or aspirations, whether related to career, fitness or personal development, and work towards them as a team. That way, the two of you can work to expand yourselves independently or as a team. Supporting each other’s ambitions creates a sense of unity and strengthens your bond.
- Prioritize communication: Make time for meaningful conversations where you can openly discuss your hopes, fears and dreams. Being vulnerable with each other deepens your emotional connection and builds trust. A large part of self-expansion in relationships involves sharing perspectives, knowledge, ideas and integrating them into your self-concept. It’s quite possible that you and your partner have a different idea of what would make you feel sexually alive and alive. By openly communicating what is important, what you want, and what you hope to explore, it creates an opportunity to better understand each other and bring you one step closer to possibly exploring some of these desires (see his book Dr. Lehmiller “Tell Me What You Want” for advice on how to have these conversations).
- Embrace spontaneity: Break free from routines and embrace spontaneity in your relationship. Surprise your partner with spontaneous date nights, overnight or weekend getaways or intimate gestures to keep the excitement alive. Gestures can be big or small and don’t have to cost a lot of money, but find ways to break out of your typical patterns. Part of the reason we often stay in patterns and routines is that we know the likely outcomes, so it can feel a little uncomfortable or vulnerable to try to break out of them. However, breaking this routine may be just what your sex life needs to reach new heights!
- Celebrate each other’s individuality: Encourage each other to pursue individual interests and hobbies outside of the relationship. Celebrate each other’s achievements and support personal growth, knowing it enriches your partnership as well. Researchers have shown that acknowledging and celebrating your partner’s “otherness” is associated with increased sexual desire in both casual and committed relationships [1].
Main Takeaways
In the journey of maintaining a fulfilling sexual relationship, self-enhancement emerges as a powerful tool that can keep the flames of passion burning. By embracing new experiences, cultivating personal growth, and deepening emotional intimacy, couples can ensure that their connection remains vibrant, exciting, and deeply satisfying over time. So dare to step out of your comfort zone, explore the unknown, and allow self-expansion to become the fuel that allows passion to flourish!
Bibliographical references:
[1] Prekatsounaki, S., Janssen, E., & Enzlin, P. (2019). In search of desire: The role of intimacy, celebrity otherness, and object of desire affirmation in sexual desire in women. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(5), 414–423.
[2] Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: unlocking courtship intelligence (1st Harper pbk.). Harper.
[3] Aron, Arthur, & Aron, Elaine (1986). Love and self-expansion: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. Hemisphere Pub. Corp.
[4] Hughes, EK, Slotter, EB, & Emery, LF (2023). Expanding me, loving us: self-expansion preferences, experiences, and romantic relationship commitment. Self and Identity, 22(2), 227–246.
[5] Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, LC, Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, EA (2019). Expand your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(2), 237–258.
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