I find myself recommending certain blog posts more than others, both in emails to people and in references to other posts. The following, first published on March 5, 2018, is one and indeed born a recent Knowing Her Sexually podcast episode with guest Ruth Buezis of Awaken Love. Given how important I think this information is, I wanted to share this post again. Enjoy!
One of the questions I get the most is from wives asking how to achieve orgasm. This is understandable, since a really great orgasm is one of the few things that lives up to its price tag.
I have a whole chapter on orgasm in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and that remains my best advice on how to get there. But although I incorporated the following information into what I said based on personal experience and hearsay, I didn’t have the study I want to share about what researchers call the “Golden Trio.”
It starts with 52,000 participants in an online survey, which is obviously a huge sample. Granted, it’s not a perfect sample, because this survey was hosted on the NBC News website, so there was self-selection of who participated. However, given this number, there should be some interesting information.
Among the many questions about sex they asked, they asked about orgasm. And while 95% of heterosexual men reported that they usually or always reached orgasm during intercourse, only 65% of heterosexual women reported the same. That’s a good 30% gap.
Now one question that I don’t believe there was was whether there was a concerted effort to reach orgasm and the woman was unable to do so. Because, for reasons men sometimes don’t understand, some wives don’t always feel the need to orgasm (see Why Sometimes I Don’t Care About Orgasm).
However, it’s pretty clear based on God’s design for sex—our sexual response, our physiology (Thank you for that clitoris!) and the importance of mutual pleasure in the marriage bed—that husbands and wives must achieve orgasm regularly in their love. This means that the 30% gap is very large.
How do you close this gap?
The researchers found that vaginal penetration alone (as others have said) is not likely to make most women climax. A PIV orgasm can be great, but it often follows an orgasm achieved in a different way. Specifically, according to this study, through the combination of three actions — that is, the “golden triad.”
1. Genital stimulation
In basic terms, clitoral stimulation is what brings a wife to climax. Since vaginal penetration is indirect stimulation of the clitoris, it is more difficult to get the right angle, pressure and tension to bring her to climax.
It is more effective for the husband to take his hand and directly touch the hood of the clitoris. Remember that the hood is just the part of the clitoris that protrudes from the body, and more clitoris can be stimulated by massaging the vulva. Regardless, make sure there is adequate lubrication, find the touch she likes and touch her directly on that sensitive spot.
2. Deep kiss
Are you surprised to see it? I’m not. But I think we overlook this important activity after we get married and in the middle of love. All the other pieces look so fun and sexy and only at the wedding that we forget how great kissing can be. That’s why I wrote You Don’t Kiss Enough.
But this was reported by the women in the study as being so important to achieving orgasm that it took the same amount of time as genital contact. In fact, long before that, in the one book of the Bible devoted to marital, sexual intimacy, God shared this wisdom. The Song of Songs opens with this line:Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine(1:2).
Do you spend enough time enjoying your husband’s wine-best lips? Maybe you should spend more.
3. Oral sex
This is oral sex her, By the way. It’s the same principle as the genital stimulation above, in that her husband can directly stimulate the clitoris, helping her to build up to orgasm and reach that peak with a cry of victory. Why is oral sex (aka cunnilingus) so helpful in this regard? Well, he gets lubricated with his mouth, he can cover a larger area with his mouth and tongue, and the tongue can do more delicate things than a man’s finger. It is a very nice pleasure tool.
There are still some wives who are hesitant to give this activity a green flag, and some husbands who are also hesitant, but oral sex is actually a good way for many women to finally achieve orgasm. Whatever mental blocks you have to this practice, I have answered many of them on my blog and in my book. And let me direct you to this verse from the Song of Songs:Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits(4:16b).
That being said, forcing your wife to have oral sex can rule out any possibility of orgasm if she isn’t open to it. No particular sexual activity should be a must in a mutual respect!
By the way, all three of these actions get their own treatment in my book as well – a whole chapter on kissing and oral sex each, and a section in the chapter on manual play for her (genital stimulation, that is).
What else helps a woman reach orgasm? The research turned up something else interesting: Women who played music, changed sexual positions or exchanged I love youDuring their last intercourse they were about 20% more likely to report usually or always having an orgasm. Atmosphere and adaptability also matter.
Also, women who orgasmed more often tended to have longer sex and greater relationship satisfaction. Smaller but significant factors that also affected orgasm were asking for specific behaviors in bed and flirting with your partner throughout the day.
Good gravy, it’s almost like they read my blog and book. 😉
But seriously, if you’re pre-orgasmical (not quite there yet), want to have more orgasms, or just want to give that “golden threesome” a try, why not try genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex with your next romantic encounter? Of course, you can also have sex. In fact, many wives who experience this level of pleasure will desire intercourse even more after hitting that high note.
They say good things come in threes. Maybe “this golden trinity” will bring something very good to your sexual intimacy.
Sources: The Guardian – ‘Golden trio’ of moves boosts chances of female orgasm, researchers say; Archives of Sexual Behavior – Differences in orgasmic frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a US national sample
