I was recently reading a romance novel The Duke Who Didn’t by Courtney Milan. What stood out the most to me were the sex scenes that were modeling behaviors that I often teach my clients in sex coaching and almost never see depicted in pop culture.
How often do you see a couple in a romance novel or movie worrying about sex, contraception, STDs? All very reasonable and common concerns. Romantic heroes are always perfect lovers who know exactly what to do and never worry about their performance or how to satisfy a woman in front of them. Romantic heroines need no warm-up. they are perfectly satisfied with direct penetrative sex. in whatever position their partner suggests, they will have no problem orgasming from penetration without additional stimulation.
And indeed, many of us grew up with a fantasy that once there is passion, nothing else matters. It’s no wonder then that there’s so much pressure for sex to work perfectly without having to talk about it, and so much frustration with what’s actually happening.
So, what can we learn from the sex scenes in The Duke Who Didn’t?
For starters, the leading lady expresses a desire to have sex (instead of passively waiting for Prince Charming to make a move.)
What does it tell us?
- It’s not just men who love and want sex.
- You don’t have to wait for a man to make the first move.
- It’s perfectly fine for a woman to start.
Then, before having sex, the man expresses nervousness about doing it and shares that he is a virgin, even though his lady assumed he had been with many women before her.
His behavior shows that:
- It’s okay to be inexperienced and unsure of how to please your partner.
- It’s okay to be vulnerable.
- You don’t always have to be strong and invincible to be loved and appreciated.
- Sharing your insecurities honestly will give your partner permission to do the same and support you better.
Then there’s a scene where he bends over the heroine and makes her cum before any penetrative sex.
There are many things it communicates to women:
- A woman’s pleasure is important and if your partner cares about you, it will be a priority.
- It’s a great idea to fully warm up before penetrative sex, and it will serve both partners at the end of the day.
- Your whole body is beautiful and acceptable. there is nothing to be ashamed of.
- Watching a woman accept with abandon is hot and exciting.
- It’s okay to relax and receive fully without worrying about retribution.
Finally, during the penetrative sex, the heroine tells her partner to stop and change his position because it wasn’t working for her. They end up adjusting several times before it’s pleasurable, which results in a second orgasm for the lady.
Our takeaways from this:
- Speak! Don’t put up with sex that hurts or is uncomfortable.
- Respect what your body is trying to tell you.
- Feel free to ask your partner to pause, slow down, lighten up, etc.
- You deserve a lover who is happy to do whatever it takes to satisfy your needs.
- It’s okay not to be perfect the first time.
- Your partner is your teammate and you can figure it out together.
Final thoughts
I’m really excited to see more examples of sex scenes that are female-centric, authentic, connected, involve better communication and more pleasure for women, and give everyone permission to be real. I wonder what sex would be like for the new generation growing up with these kinds of sexual messages.
