When I first started this ministry (over 13 years ago!), there were few resources available for Christians who wanted advice about sex that was biblical and practical. Yes, there were, and I am so grateful to those forerunners! But given the need, the supply was not nearly enough. Today, I can highlight resources that provide quality information and wisdom to foster healthy and sacred sexual intimacy in marriage.
And yet, local churches have typically lagged behind in this area. Some marriage ministries will cover the topic, at least for a class or two, but most churchgoers won’t hear a sermon on sex. And if they do, they are more likely to avoid sexual sin than to build a God-honoring sex life in marriage. Just where the needs and opportunities are greatest, we fall behind.
Instead of attacking the Church for not doing better, my goal is to encourage and empower those on the “front lines” to engage with their parishioners in positive ways, thereby building stronger marriages, stronger families, and stronger churches. So let’s talk about it.
Churches that speak boldly
My husband and I recently settled into a new church, and you can probably imagine my excitement when the preacher stood up one Sunday and the title of his sermon, displayed on the big screen, included the word “sexual.” Yes, this church felt comfortable going there! And indeed, it was a wonderful sermon on sexual integrity that didn’t mince words and reflected Scripture (2 Peter 2 and Jude, specifically). I can’t imagine preaching like this when I was growing up…or in my 20s or 30s.
And my church is not alone. I can name several preachers who have addressed God’s plan for sexuality from the pulpit (or the pulpit) on Sunday morning. While I’m sure they get pushback, the vast majority of people appreciate the church speaking to an area they struggle with in their lives. Sometimes, it’s a matter of getting over the hump of that first, and maybe second, awkward sermon. Once colleagues realize that this is something we can talk about because God speaks about it, most get used to referring to it as part of a life well lived in Christ.
After all, marriage reflects our relationship with our Lord (Isaiah 54:5, Ephesians 5:31-32).
But it doesn’t have to happen on Sunday mornings if a church isn’t ready for it, and it shouldn’t happen exclusively there. Instead, marriage ministries can incorporate more content about sexual integrity and intimacy through classes, special speakers, and conferences or meetings. Church libraries can have quality Christian books on sex and let people know they are there. (Hey, I’ll send your church library FREE books if you’re in the contiguous US and you email me the request!). Churches can provide counseling services through their own congregation or by hiring Christian therapists to help couples who need counseling for sexual issues in their marriage (see One Way Churches Could Really Help Marriages).
Women’s ministries and men’s ministries can also be involved. I have spoken at many women’s events and my content has always been well received. MOPS groups also welcome real-world insights into how to make sexual intimacy work in parenting and beyond. Other women, incl Julie Shibert and Ruth Boise, have presented to these audiences. Meanwhile, men’s ministries often deal with pornography use or other sexual sins, and men’s support groups have proliferated in the past several years.
To all those churches that are addressing sex well, or even just starting to address it at all, THANK YOU! Sex isn’t everything, of course, but it is something—something God clearly cares about because it’s mentioned throughout His Word.
Churches that speak little
Many churches have good reasons why they don’t get too involved with sex. The most common thing I hear is criticism from the church.
- “This is not an appropriate topic.”
- “My children should not learn that word in church.”
- “You should persevere in the preaching of the Gospel.”
- “We shouldn’t be obsessed with sex like the world.”
- “Sex is about having children, nothing else.”
Yes, ministers hear such things from their members, often in harsh tones, even threatening to leave the church if it continues. Sometimes members don’t have to say anything. the minister just knows that addressing sex from the pulpit or even in a lesson would not sit well with some people. Anticipating a hilarious and worse, they remain silent on the matter or decide to deal with the issue of couple sex.
Other times, ministers do not feel able to talk about sex, either because they do not have sufficient knowledge or wisdom in this area or because their own sex lives are not great. Perhaps they have struggled with pornography or the sexual intimacy in their marriage is lukewarm at best. Without having understood it themselves, how can they teach others?
Still others can’t figure out when and where to talk about sex. If the kids are at Sunday service, they don’t want to give a sermon that might spark curiosity too early. (“Do not stir up or awaken love until it is willing.” Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, 8:4.) Bible studies or small groups may include both singles and married people and are concerned about having relevant messages for each. Their church structures and calendar don’t easily allow for quality discussion on the topic, so they simply don’t incorporate it.
While I have compassion for these situations, the problem is that Christians struggle in this area. God has answers and we need to equip ourselves to deliver them and figure out how/when to do it. In fact, if you read the New Testament letters, it’s amazing how often the writers give instructions about sexuality. Instead of avoiding it, they leaned into it, knowing it mattered. And it wasn’t just the avoidance of sexual sin, but the existence of healthy, “one flesh” marriages.
As mentioned earlier, we have more good Christian resources about sex than ever before. If ministry or church staff do not feel qualified to teach about it, they may invite qualified visitors to speak and/or go through a book or class on married sex. They can start with an event outside of the church to help people get used to the idea, such as a marriage retreat or small group at home. Once you have others on board, it is easier to get the full church to support other efforts to encourage godly sexual intimacy.
Churches that speak evil
Unfortunately, for every church that does a wonderful job with sex, I hear at least two churches talking badly about it. These are churches that don’t shy away from the topic, but teach wrong or even dangerous messages about sex in marriage. Stated outright or implied, they promote myths such as:
- Husbands need sex and wives owe it to them.
- If a wife doesn’t have sex with her husband, she is (mostly or partially) responsible when he cheats/uses porn.
- All husbands want sex more than their wives.
- Sex is a transaction: he has sex, she has romance or conversation.
- If you stayed chaste until your wedding night, you’ll be rewarded with great sex.
- Spouses can never say no to sex, or they “deprive one another,” according to 1 Corinthians 7.
- Spouses in sexless marriages should just put up with it, because sex is not that important to God.
Do you recognize any of these?
While I expect many of my readers to have encountered these messages somewhere in their past, I am still surprised to find that they are widely taught today. As much as I want churches to talk openly about sex, those who speak unbiblically should heed the age-old advice that if you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all.
Not that they can never say anything about sex. Christians are called to speak where God speaks! And it talks about sexual integrity and intimacy. But we get into big trouble when we say things that God never said and put burdens on God’s people that He never intended them to carry. Matthew 23:4 warns of church leaders who “crush people down with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to lighten the burden” (NLT), and in Matthew 22:29, Jesus corrected the Samaritan woman saying, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.”
James 3:1 puts it plainly: “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more severely.” (Trust me, I get that verse very seriously.) If we desire to teach, we must learn what the Scriptures actually say and always remain open to correction.
If you haven’t studied the Bible deeply about what it says about sex—besides what you’ve heard or learned elsewhere before—then it’s time to revisit God’s whole counsel. And if you studied a little before, you should probably go back to the Bible to see what’s there, having (hopefully) grown in faith and understanding in recent years.
If you are in a church that teaches myths about sex, ask the leaders about their views, where they got them, and how they interpret certain scriptures. Be genuinely curious, rather than judgmental, and open up a dialogue about what the Bible actually says about sex. You could also volunteer to teach a marriage lesson that reflects what God really says about sex in marriage – including redemption from past sin, the importance of reciprocity, and what love and respect look like in the bedroom. Sometimes when one person steps up and says the right things, those who are hungry for that message flock to it and change the perspective of the whole body.
Churches that speak biblically
I celebrate the progress that so many Christians, book publishers, and churches have made in dealing with the subject of sex more authentically, helpfully, and especially biblically! If you’ve been involved in this, give yourself a pat on the back. If you know others who have, pat their in the back.
But let’s not stop there. We’ve come a long way, but we have a long way to go!
Of course, our call will never die out. God calls every generation, every church, every person to be faithful in spreading His truth with love. Meanwhile, Satan and his forces continue to attack the area of sexuality, perhaps because it is a place of such vulnerability and intimacy. In this life, we will never be completely free from sexual temptations, struggles, and sins, but we can make a difference in the lives of so many by speaking biblically about sex. May the church pursue God’s justice, boldness and truth in the area of sexuality.
If you are interested in me speaking at an event, please contact me! This is one of my favorite things to do and I have well developed presentations for both husband and wife. I am willing to help the churches in any way I can.
