The Bermuda triangle in families.
One of the most interesting terms I have come across over the years as a therapist is the term “Bermuda triangle”. Now we all know the mythology surrounding the Bermuda Triangle and how many boats and people have lost their lives in the area.
Now, when we talk about the Bermuda triangle in families, it refers to the triangulation. Triangulation in the traditional sense and according to transactional analysis refers to a psychological process where a person avoids direct communication with another person and instead involves a third party in the interaction. Many may experience this as feeling throttled and shut out, which is a very interesting tactic to destabilize and effectively control the third person by making them feel guilty or ashamed.
This process can happen in a number of ways, such as when a person seeks support or validation from a third party regarding a problem they are having with another person, or when a conflict arises between two people and they try to bring a third person into the argument. to support their point of view. The traditional flow of how this works is usually one parent arming themselves with the children bolstering their arguments or creating division or division in the parent structure.
Triangulation usually creates confusion and tension in relationships as it can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding between the parties involved. It can also prevent individuals from developing direct and honest communication skills, which can hinder the growth and development of their relationships. The communication style that stems from this trine is very youthful and there are often emotional wounds that are not addressed within the family structure.
We don’t have the luxury of choosing our families, so it’s important to spend some time evaluating the tensions and strategies and relationship patterns found within the family unit.
I don’t believe we purposely use these strategies to control and manipulate within the family because we are not all narcissists, but this ignorance has a lasting impact and so it is necessary to introduce some kind of self-reflection within the family. family to try to make the necessary adjustments so that these ways of relating do not become toxic and cement the family unit.
If these relational styles are not addressed, there is a high chance that these qualities will be passed on from children to their children, all of which will reinforce the epigenetic component to behavior problems.
Here are some things to consider if you find yourself inside the Bermuda Triangle.
1. Always determine if there is a correlation triangle occurring. We’ve all heard the saying “three is a crowd”, the same applies here. The moment there is a triangle we must recognize that one party is going to be the savior (traditionally), there will actually be a victim who is reinforced by the third person. Try to stay away from this dynamic.
2. Before you get into this kind of dynamic, ask yourself “do I feel compelled to participate”, this is usually a good sign that you are able to participate and that you recognize what is going on. When you recognize this, the safest escape route is to reinforce the boundary you’d like to have for yourself: “I love you all, but I’m not involved,” “You’ll all be great at sorting this out.”
3. If hostility arises, it is still vital to try to get out of the triangle, because staying inside will only lead to you becoming a victim or carrying the emotional burden of the triangle.
4. Keep in mind that the triangle always separates the 4th person in the family. This is an interesting phenomenon where the triangle will create division in the family and within the triangle it will create loyalty and when it needs to be against the 4th person.
5. You must remember that emotions can be transferred and most of the time we think that the emotions we experience are all our own. We must remember that we are receptive beacons to other people’s feelings and actions. Always keep in mind that in any interaction check yourself first and then negotiate what feelings are yours. Then decide how you want to interact.
Triangulation and especially the Bermuda triangle does not help in any form of interaction. The only result is that people become destabilized and always wait for the inevitable fall. This relationship style reinforces anxiously attached and avoidant people because it first instills camaraderie on the side of the triangle but then soon turns to rejection and abandonment if the participants do not conform.
This is something that all parents should know, but many parents are not trained to understand family therapy and will only seek out a family therapist if things are really bad or they are very likely to send the “problem child” to see a therapist.
It’s also important to recognize that as we mature into adults, these types of dynamics that are so deeply ingrained within the family’s relational style will inevitably continue to play out. This is the opportunity now for adults to change behavior and make the necessary adjustments so that they can live a life that is well balanced and not constantly destabilized.
Vaya Con Dios
