What is survivor infidelity?
Surviving infidelity is the process of healing emotionally, mentally and sexually both individually and as a couple. Survival isn’t just about getting through a case. Rather, it involves thoroughly addressing the relationship’s deepest impact on the relationship so that the couple can experience true healing.
Surviving Infidelity – Top 7 Steps
1-End all contacts
The first step is often the hardest. If the strange partner wants to save his marriage, he must stop all contact with his lover. This includes no text messages, no social media monitoring, no phone calls, and no meetings. The new lover is addicted to drugs. Therefore, any contact with them will keep the addiction alive. Cutting off all contact with them may require changing jobs, gym memberships, Churches, neighborhoods, and even states. They must do whatever it takes to not have contact with their lover again because the danger of a relationship will always be there.
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2-Opening all accounts
The awkward partner then has to open all accounts and passwords with their betrayed partner to prove that they have no more contact with their lover. How else will the betrayed partner trust that the clumsy partner is no longer in touch with their lover? Each new contact the estranged partner has with their lover re-traumatizes the betrayed partner. Also, opening all accounts and passwords won’t work if the strange partner does it out of embarrassment and anger. How dare you get angry that you need to open your accounts! Look how much you have destroyed your partner! You are completely untrustworthy right now! The difficult partner must open all accounts in good spirits to show that he is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.
3-Expose the case
If the abusive partner refuses to end all contact with their lover, or refuses to willingly open all accounts to prove no further contact, the next step is exposure. When someone is in a relationship, they don’t think straight because they are under the addiction of relationship drugs. An affair creates an artificial utopia where the relationship is isolated from everyday stress and problems. So one of the best ways to burst the affair bubble is to expose it by letting everyone know about it. Usually, the more the awkward partner comes into contact with people they care about about their infidelity, the more likely they are to come back to reality and realize how horrible they are behaving.
4-Get a breakup
If exposure does not create enough social pressure on the estranged partner to end the relationship, the next step is separation. The breakup should involve zero contact between the betrayed and estranged partner. If children are involved, then perhaps a friend or family member can be responsible for escorting them back and forth to visit. A separation is recommended for two reasons. First, it provides protection to the betrayed partner from the ongoing emotional abuse of the active relationship. Second, it gives the awkward partner a chance to experience life without his wife to determine if this is really what he wants. If after 3-6 months the awkward partner still won’t end the relationship, break up!
The recommendations of disclosing the infidelity and breaking up, if the cheating partner does not end the relationship, gives power and control to the betrayed partner. Regaining a sense of control is vital to emotional healing. The worst thing a betrayed partner can do is tolerate continued contact with the lover on any level because it will constantly re-traumatize them and enable their unfaithful partner.
5-Genuine repentance
If the strange partner ends all contact with his lover and willingly opens all accounts, the next step is sincere repentance for his betrayal. While the abusive partner may have been unhappy in the marriage prior to the infidelity, it was still their choice to have an affair. Repentance must center around their choice to break their marital vows and betray their partner, no matter how unhappy they may have been. Sincere remorse is vital for the betrayed partner to begin the healing process. Without true repentance the marriage will not be able to recover.
6-Stimulus management
Triggers are a huge part of surviving infidelity. The betrayed partner may watch a movie with an affair scene and be triggered. They might hear a song about cheating and get fired up. They can see the outfit they wore the day they discovered the relationship and get triggered. Triggering is part of PTSD symptoms and is common after an affair. How you handle triggers is paramount. For many couples, triggers are mishandled and drive the couple further apart. Usually, when triggered, the betrayed partner explodes with anger and the awkward partner explodes with defensiveness in return. However, if handled correctly, triggers can become micro-healing opportunities for the relationship.
The first step in properly managing triggers is for the betrayed partner to discern which triggers to share and which to deal with alone. Some triggers may be mild and do not need to be shared, while others may be significant and need to be discussed. The second step is that the betrayed partner needs to vent after being triggered before discussing it. De-flooding involves doing anything that lowers their heart rate and takes them out of fight or flight, such as bathing, exercising, taking a nap, listening to music, reading a book, talking to a friend, etc. Third, refer the trigger to the strange partner calmly without attacking, such as “I was listening to the radio today and the song Lyin Eyes came on and it brought back all the pain and betrayal of the affair.” Fourth, the awkward partner should respond with empathy and support, such as “that must have felt horrible for you, I’m so sorry I betrayed you and destroyed you the way I did.” If triggers are handled in this sensitive way, they will diminish over time. If they are not handled well, they will increase over time.
7-Lessons learned
The seventh step to surviving infidelity is to understand what caused it in the first place. The decision to get into a relationship is 100% the weird partner’s fault. However, the climate in the marriage that increased their sensitivity is usually the fault of both partners. So unpacking this information is crucial. Did the clumsy partner feel emotionally or sexually unsatisfied? Did they feel neglected? Did they feel constantly criticized? What was it that increased their sensitivity? Understanding this and making the necessary changes is vital to de-risking the relationship going forward.
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The top 8 causes of infidelity
One key to surviving infidelity is to trust that there will be no more future affairs. Everyone is susceptible to a relationship if put in the right situation. Recognizing this dangerous potential will help you develop appropriate boundaries. The list below highlights eight things that can increase sensitivity in developing a relationship. As you read the list, think about what changes you and your partner need to make.
1-Traumatic event
The first risk factor is experiencing a traumatic event, such as losing a loved one, career, home, etc. When people go through traumatic events, their whole world gets disoriented. Their value system is often turned upside down. All their hopes in life are crushed and they go through a period where nothing seems to matter.
2-Not forthcoming
A second risk factor is someone who tends not to share everything they think and feel. If you tend to withhold information from your partner in general, when something goes wrong like an affair or attraction to someone else, you’re more likely to not share that either.
3-Need for worship
A third risk factor is someone who needs adoration. This is the person who wants to feel special, loved and the center of someone’s world. When someone has this need, it puts them at greater risk for a relationship because a relationship is the ultimate feeling of being adored and adored.
4-Stress of life
A fourth risk factor is stress. When you are under too much stress, you become tired. When you are tired, your willpower to resist inappropriate impulses with others decreases. So, the more exhausted you are, the more likely you are to act on sexual or emotional impulses and cross the line. Also, the more stressed you are the more you will seek escape and the assumptions are often strong.
5-Unfulfilled needs
A fifth risk factor is whether you have unmet needs in your marriage. Unmet needs can range from a desire for emotional intimacy, affection, sex, etc. When your needs aren’t being met in marriage, you can feel like you’re starving. The more you feel hungry, the more likely you are to look elsewhere for food.
6-Traveling alone
The longer you travel alone, the more you risk hooking up. When you travel alone you are anonymous and no one knows what you are doing. The more anonymous you feel, the more likely you are to do things you wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise. Lack of accountability often increases strange behavior.
7-Excessive consumption
Number seven is alcohol. When you drink, you are more likely to behave in all ways, including sex. People tend to do and say things while drunk that they would never do when sober. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Hence, it can lower your inhibitions about having a relationship as well.
8-Emotional disclosure
The eighth risk factor is sharing emotional distress with someone of a different gender than your spouse. When you share emotional distress with someone, you create intimacy and the walls come down. So the more you share, the more likely you are to start developing feelings for the person.
In short, part of surviving infidelity is building trust that future affairs won’t happen. The top eight things that can increase relationship risk to look out for include going through a traumatic event, not being imminent, needing adoration, life stress, unmet needs, traveling alone, excessive alcohol consumption, and emotional disclosure .
For further reading, see the articles below.
Case recovery article
The article is over my marriage
Article on if I get a divorce
Article on how to save your marriage
Article on how to fix a broken relationship
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Leave a comment below on what else you would recommend for surviving infidelity.
