“Let’s stop shaming single moms.” Recently, I was in a discussion about women and motherhood.
We ended up talking about how more children are being raised in single-parent homes versus single-parent homes, and how society, in general, treats single mothers.
Later, I came across an update from Abi Akinola about single moms.
Abi has guest posted before and I always like her practical, common sense approach to topics that people want to complicate. I asked her if I could share her comment here because I think it’s such an important conversation to continue.
Here is Abby.
Can we stop shaming single moms?
Two people came together to make this child/children. One immediately assumes responsibility for the child while the other moves away – for whatever reason – emotionally, physically or financially.
However, we shame the one left behind—usually the mom.
I went for a program a few years ago. Someone got up to make a comment and said something about how all the problems with delinquent children in the UK are because of single mothers. Read more 10 things Christians need to know about destructive marriages
I remember thinking, “Yeah, I’m going to be a single mom soon too. Is this how people will look at me and my children? Like there’s something wrong/broken inside of us???” Needless to say, that statement left a very bad taste in my mouth. Six years later, I haven’t forgotten it.
The irony in all of this is that MANY women in marriages are also single moms. They raise the children alone. Dad does zilch at home or with the kids.
When dad is home he is on his computer all day or doing his own thing/hobbies. He doesn’t do anything with the kids. The kids barely know him. They know they have a daddy. they see him going in and out of the house, but they don’t really know him.
Why shame single moms, though? They stepped up to the plate and are raising their kids on their own. They should be commended for their courage. The people who need shaming are deadbeat dads.
Single Fathers
Yes, I know a minority of men are raising their children alone. They are a minority.
And when that happens (dads raising their kids), people ooh and aah and say what a great man he is, even though he’s a single dad: When it’s a woman in the same situation, everyone’s upset about single mom status.
“30 years of research shows that divorce is actually good for children (on average) where there is physical, emotional or sexual abuse, high distress or intense conflict in the home.” Source.
“Stop shaming single moms. Leave single moms alone’ is what I wish everyone would do. Stop bashing single moms. They do the best they can with the hand life has dealt them. And most of them raise wonderful, well-adjusted, kind and compassionate children.
Some of the monsters the women married and had to divorce came from “two-parent families.” Let that sink in for a while.
(Ngina here. Children do no better if they live in a two-parent home where there is abuse vs. if one parent gets a salutary divorce. A salutary divorce where there is abuse is good, long-term. In other words, just coming from a “home with two parents’ does not warranty a person will make a healthy partner later in life. A lot more goes into becoming a healthy, well-adjusted person than simply growing up with two parents who stayed together. Two healthy ones parents are good to children. Where there is abuse, an amicable divorce is best for the children.)
A healthy parent and a safe home will always be better for children than a home where one of the adults is dysfunctional and there is abuse of all kinds. If you have to shame someone, shame the absentee dad.
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Thanks, Abi!
Let’s discuss in the comments: What would you add? If you’re a single mom or grew up in a single-mother household, what’s the one thing people misunderstand about your experience and what do you wish they knew?
- If you are in any kind of danger, call an emergency hotline in your country.
- Canada: 800.799.SAFE (7233).
- United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673).
- United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111.
- Australia: 1800 015 188.
- New Zealand: 0800 456 450.
- Kenya: 0-800-720-072.
- Nigeria: 0800 033 3333.
- South Africa: 0800 428 428.
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Research/Analysis:
“There is a belief that children need two married biological parents in the home to be well. And proponents of this belief might even say that children need a father-Any father—at home, meaning that any two-parent married home is always better than a single-parent home. But this is not true. A lot depends on how emotionally healthy or destructive each parent is. A good father is great for children. But a bad father is not, in fact, destructive.’ Bad fathers are bad for children. Married two-parent homes aren’t always the best according to the Jaffee study (THE Research )
“For the past 25 years, researchers have known that growing up in a very high-intensity married home is devastating for children—worse than being raised by a single parent. These bad marriages have real, long-term negative effects on children’s emotional well-being. The researchers compared the outcomes of two groups of adults who grew up in destructive homes: those whose parents divorced and those whose parents stayed. They found that children whose parents divorced had much better well-being on average.” Is it always better to “Stay for the Kids”? No, not if the house is toxic
About Abi: Abi Akinola is a writer, entrepreneur, itinerant preacher and promoter of Belly Laughs. You can connect with her Facebook.
