For anyone who has ever been in a toxic relationship, this podcast episode with Dr. Michelle Skeen is for you!
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Dr. Michelle Skeen has a PhD in clinical psychology and is the author of eight books, including her latest book, “Because I can’t let you go“. Her books are designed to strengthen relationships by emphasizing the importance of identifying core beliefs that keep you stuck in limited thinking and unhelpful behavior patterns. She also helps people with helpful tools such as values focus, mindfulness, self-compassion, effective communication and conflict resolution skills.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- Understanding your style and temperament
- The core of the relationship traumatic bond
- Trauma coping behaviors
- Relationship Trauma Traps
- End Toxic Communication
- A map to navigate your new path
EP 595: Michelle Skeen – Stay Away From Toxic Relationships and Trauma Bonds
Why did you write WHY I CAN’T LET YOU GO, and what is it about?
Hurt bonds and toxic relationships are so exhausting, and sometimes we don’t realize how bad it is until we get out. I had written a book called “Love Me Don’t Leave Me” about the fear of abandonment. My clients had read the book and wanted to do extra work. Our core beliefs lead us to choose the wrong people and stay in bad relationships. It’s so hard to leave those partners. Understanding why we get stuck is so important, that’s why I wrote this book. Once you become aware of the issues, it empowers you to help make better choices.
What are the warning signs that a person is in a toxic relationship or relationship trauma bond?
A trauma bond is being in a relationship with someone who is similar to someone in your past who hurt you. We know what to expect and we like certainty. At first, it feels very comforting. But, they are very unhealthy behaviors that are not based on value. You don’t feel good about yourself. They may belittle you or control you or make you feel less – than you feel you need them.
Toxic relationships are traumatic, where you feel like your partner is doing these awful things and you’re not doing anything wrong. But you don’t engage in value-based behavior. Engage in unhealthy behaviors.
What are some important things you need to understand about yourself to stop being in toxic relationships?
Our core beliefs come from childhood and cause us fear of abandonment, feelings of inferiority, mistrust, etc. The way we behaved to NOT be abandoned as children no longer serves us in adulthood. But, it’s hard to change these behaviors (like people-pleasing, not talking, setting boundaries, etc.)
If someone wants to break free from negative or toxic relationship patterns, what do you suggest they do?
It is important to understand your personal history, attachment style and temperament in order to free yourself from negative patterns and toxic relationships. There is a temperament model that I use to determine people’s temperaments. There are nine measures: activity level, distraction, response, rhythmicity and regularity, sensory sensitivity, response to new things, adaptability, attention span, mood.
What are some unhealthy coping behaviors and how can people change them?
Some unhealthy coping behaviors are people pleasing, not talking, reacting, not setting boundaries. To change, learn how to process your emotions so that you are responsive and non-reactive. Learn how to speak up, focus on yourself, set boundaries early and stop being a people pleaser.
WHY CAN’T I LET YOU GO? It includes many tools readers can use to break free from toxic relationships or traumatic attachments. Tell us a little about these tools.
Identify your core values-based beliefs and behaviors. Learn how to communicate better, practice self-compassion. Learn your attachment style and temperament. Don’t give too many chances to toxic relationships.
Identify your core beliefs: (based on schema therapy)
- Abandonment
- Mistrust and abuse
- Emotional disaster
- Faultiness
- DEPENDENCE
- Failure
- Enslavement
What are your final tips for anyone looking to go on their last first date?
Understand yourself before dating and don’t change for a person you don’t even know!
Connect with Michelle
Website: https://www.michelleskeen.com/
Why can’t I let you make a reservation? https://amzn.to/3OdDPp5
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