“Little things often” is Dr. John Gottman’s motto that refers to the impact of small daily actions on the well-being and longevity of your relationship.
Certified Gottman Therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT discussed this idea in a recent webinar for The Gottman Institute. It starts with the concept of “bids” which is any gesture that signals the need to connect. They can be verbal or non-verbal and Dr John Gottman describes them as ‘the fundamental unit of emotional connection’.
Panganiban says there are different ways to respond to a partner’s offer.
- Turning to which means you observe the offer and respond positively to your partner.
- Turning away which means you lose the bid and you don’t respond to your partner.
- Turning against meaning you notice the offer and respond negatively.
Happy, stable couples turn to each other 86% of the time, while couples who end up breaking up only turn to 33% of the time.
Feedback loop
There is a feedback loop that starts to develop based on the responses to the offers. Here’s what they might look like:
Turn to
- Every time you turn towards your partner, you create safety and connection.
- This makes your partner feel safe about making more offers.
- As you continue to turn towards, the offers continue to increase.
Turn away/against
- Every time you move away from or against your partner, he feels rejected/insignificant.
- When these accumulate, they begin to wonder whether or not you will respond.
- Deals are dwindling and you’re starting to feel cut off.
How to increase small things often
- Pay attention and tune in to your partner’s needs for attention
- View your partner’s offers as a connection opportunity
- Give back in meaningful ways
- Prioritize the relationship and minimize distractions (especially technology and social media)
- If you miss an offer, acknowledge it and apologize
The importance of rituals
Once you start noticing deals in your relationship, you can start developing rituals with your partner. That way you don’t always have to wait for the offers to happen spontaneously. When you build moments of connection and ritualize them, you can count on connecting with your partner on a daily basis. Here are the recommended Panganiban rituals that can be easily implemented and incorporated into your daily life.
- Breakups and 6 second kiss: Don’t leave home without knowing an interesting thing that is going to happen in your partner’s days. Give each other a 6 second kiss… now that’s a kiss with potential!
- Admiration and Appreciation: Create a positive habit of mind and say the appreciations out loud.
- Affection: Examples are hugging, snuggling on the couch, holding hands, massaging each other. Affection can trigger the release of oxytocin, the “hug” hormone associated with feeling good.
- Meetings and conversation that reduces stress: Create a “couple bubble” where you have space to talk about a stressful situation. Let the speaker share their external (relationship) stressors and the listener empathizes with their partner’s feelings. They think, ask questions and take their partner’s side.
- DATE NIGHT: Use this time to create love maps. Don’t talk about the kids, jobs or household responsibilities! It doesn’t have to be complicated, but take turns planning and being creative.
Next steps
Start slow, it’s not a race. Don’t expect perfection. Remember that small actions have a big impact! If you are struggling, ask for the guidance of a Trained Gottman Therapist. check it Gottman Relationship Coach!
