Although I believe in long lasting marriages, sometimes you have to get a divorce. For example, you should get a divorce if you are in an abusive relationship. If your partner is abusive, get a separation and a restraining order. If your partner has cheated and refuses to cut off contact with their lover, get a breakup. After the breakup, if they refuse to cut off contact with their lover, get a divorce. If you’re in a relationship and your partner doesn’t care about your needs and you’ve been working with a counselor or coach for 3-6 months and they refuse to meet your needs, get a breakup. If they still don’t change after the breakup, get a divorce. Being committed to a long-term, compatible marriage doesn’t mean you’re supposed to put up with abuse or be miserable for the rest of your life. So divorce is okay sometimes, but it’s not always the best answer. If you are wondering “should I get a divorce?” below are three reasons not to get one.
Should I get a divorce? 3 reasons not to
1-They are open to receiving support.
If your partner is open to receiving support, there is hope. There are many ways to support. such as podcasts, apps, books, conferences and coaches. I have developed several resources on this site to help couples save their marriage. It’s helpful to have a variety of resources because each partner is different with what they feel comfortable with. Some people feel more comfortable reading a book, some prefer listening to a podcast, some want to attend a conference, some want to work with a coach, and some want to use an app. Variety provides options. My personal recommendation is to use them all to strengthen your relationship. Listen to my marriage podcast, get the couples app, read the marriage book, attend the marriage retreat, and work with a relationship coach. Access to all resources will maximize your relationship more. So, if you’re wondering “should I get a divorce?” the answer is no if your partner is open to receiving support because that shows he is willing to work for the marriage. Also, remember how difficult it is to reach out for help. I know firsthand why when my wife and I were going through the winter in our relationship, I had a really hard time asking for help because I thought I could fix our marriage. For us it was the sexual split, where my wife had trauma from her upbringing that caused her to avoid all sex in our relationship. I responded badly to that rejection with anger and then we had a vicious cycle. The more she avoided intercourse, the more I responded with anger, the more I responded with anger, the more she avoided intercourse. To make matters worse, I resist asking for help because I was a therapist in training, so I thought I could fix us. Big mistake. I finally realized that I couldn’t be our own therapist because I wasn’t objective and my wife doesn’t see me as a therapist, understandably. Fortunately, I finally swallowed my pride and sought help, which began a years-long journey of reading books, listening to podcasts, going to conferences, and working with several therapists. All of this support eventually led us out of winter and into spring, where you fall in love again because your needs begin to be met and grievances begin to heal.
2-Change takes time.
The second reason not to leave your marriage is because change takes time. Your partner may need more time to improve and learn how to meet your needs. Change takes time. Every behavior we do creates a neural pathway in our brain. Therefore, changing behavior is difficult because it requires the creation of new neural pathways in our brain. Think of it like a hiking trail. I live in Colorado and love to hike. A walking path is a well-worn path and similar to the default behavior in your marriage. If you want your partner to create new behavior, you ask them to create a new walking path. Creating a new hiking trail takes a lot of intention and repeated practice before the trail is well worn. It takes time. Likewise, it takes time for your partner to create new behaviors in your marriage. So if you’re wondering “should I get a divorce” remind yourself that change takes time. If you see your partner trying and you zoom out and see overall progress, don’t give up.
3-You’re not perfect either.
The third reason not to give up on your relationship is because you’re not perfect either. No one is perfect in their marriage. The goal is to figure out what your place is. How are you contributing to the problems and vicious circles in your marriage? How do you make things worse? What do you say and do that contributes to the negative dynamic in your relationship? You can’t blame your partner for your marital problems until you master the side of you that makes things worse. Most of us focus too much on our partner’s problems and too little on our own. How do you need to get better? How do you need to improve? There’s no reason to give up on your partner until you’ve done an amazing job as a partner yourself. Only then are you free to criticize your partner when you are free to criticize yourself. I am guilty of this. During the winter season I mentioned above, I was so focused on my wife’s rejection of sex that I didn’t realize how my angry reaction was making everything worse. I contributed to the vicious cycle, but I only blamed her. Once I started owning and working on my side, things started to take off because my wife started to see me as an ally rather than an enemy, which opened her up to me sexually as well. So if you’re wondering “should I get a divorce?” ask your partner how you could be a better partner. Ask them what your growth areas are and conquer them. Doing so could transform your marriage.
In short, don’t get a divorce if your partner is ready to receive support. Also, remember that change takes time and you’re not perfect either.
For further reading, check out my articles below.
Tips for restoring the relationship.
Tips for surviving infidelity.
Is my marriage over?
Tips on how to save your marriage
Tips on how to fix a broken relationship
What else would you recommend to those wondering “should I get a divorce?”.
