Hello friends, in our last blog, we talked about boundaries in marriage. We analyzed several definitions of boundaries and concluded that when used in a healthy way, boundaries can be beneficial to a marriage in many ways and in many areas.
However, boundaries can be difficult in marriage. Usually, someone who loves boundaries marries someone who doesn’t. This makes finding common ground difficult. That’s why we’ve given you areas of marriage where boundaries might apply and a biblical reference for each. These areas included…
- Mother-in-law and other family members (Genesis 2:24)
- Communication (Ephesians 4:29)
- Money (Hebrews 13:5)
- Friends and work relationship (Proverbs 4:23)
- Personally (Psalm 139:14)
- Intimacy (Hebrews 13:4)
While this is not an exhaustive list or listed in any particular order, these are common areas where conflict can arise if healthy boundaries are not set. We believe that if you can set boundaries in these areas and enforce them, you will inevitably see your marriage improve and begin to thrive.
Why these areas?
Have you ever heard of a Bible class? There is a good chance that this is new to you because not much is taught. Biblical order basically sets the order of importance and priority we should show to the relationships in our lives. According to the biblical model, this is how we should prioritize our lives- God, spouse, children, parents, extended family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and then the rest of the world.
Some people have problems with the order of this list, but we assure you of two things:
First, this is based on the Bible and you can find scriptures to back it up.
Second, if you put your relationships in that order of importance, setting boundaries to protect them, you’ll find an abundance you didn’t think possible. Everyone you come in contact with should have the same version of you, but not everyone desires the same depth, and that includes intimate relationships.
The bottom line is this…
Our Creator knows what is best for us. Only when we come into His alignment can we find the peace He desires us to live in.
Setting healthy boundaries
Although our list is in no particular order, we’ve listed “in-laws and other family members” as the first area to intentionally look at. It is the most important area because these are the relationships that are closest to you and your marriage. Fixing these relationships is difficult but necessary.
So how do we do this? How did we begin to set these boundaries?
The good news is that the process of setting boundaries is not difficult! It really only involves two steps!
Step 1: Discuss the ‘What’ and the ‘Why’
First, you and your spouse should sit down and discuss the “what and why.” What the limits we want to set? Why do we think they should be regulated?
The “why” is a particularly critical step in the process. Whether you struggle with boundaries or not, it’s easier to work together as a team if you know the “why” behind something.
So, what would that look like for these areas?
- Mother-in-law/Family Members
- What? We will not discuss our arguments with our family members.
- Why; Because it is difficult for family members to be objective and they may not forgive or forget.
- Contact
- What? We will not call each other names or be derogatory to each other, especially during heated conversations.
- Why; Because we want to maintain a level of respect and honor in our relationship regardless of the situation.
- Money
- What? We will discuss all purchases over “X” amount before making them.
- Why; Because we both need to be on the same level when it comes to finances.
- Friends and work relationship
- What? Because we spend so much time with these people, these relationships will be extremely transparent to our spouses. They can see any communication that happens between colleagues and friends.
- Why; Because affairs don’t start randomly, and protecting our marriage is our top priority – not work or outside friendships.
- Personal
- What? At least once a month we will do something that gives us life as a person.
- Why; It is important to do life-giving things or make time for hobbies.
- Intimacy
- What? We will remain loyal and only have a close relationship with each other.
- Why; Our marriage is a covenant and our vows must be kept.
Step 2: Don’t apologize to anyone for these boundaries.
Once you and your spouse are on the same page, don’t negotiate, compromise, or apologize to anyone. There will be people in both your family and your friend group who don’t understand why you and your spouse have these boundaries. No need! They don’t have to understand, and they especially don’t have to agree.
If the boundaries are agreed upon between you and your spouse and it helps your marriage, that’s all that matters.
Alex and I have found that many people want what we have, but few are willing to do what we do. Even fewer understand or agree with our boundaries. We have been challenged and mocked for the way we live our lives, but at the end of the day we are happy and our marriage is growing.
So since you’ve set those boundaries, stand firm!
Boundaries are hard, and sometimes the people in our lives make them harder, but your marriage is worth it.
