Have you ever wondered why your relationship has to be so difficult? Do you find yourself in small rifts with your partner every day or big fights regularly? You are not alone. A common difficulty in relationships is often recurring arguments. What can you do when your relationship was meant to replenish and support you, drain you and exhaust you?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Relationships are messy. We have to fight a little in the mud sometimes to create more fun and ease.
Many disagreements can arise from our differences as individuals. Every person is unique. Everyone lives in their own private universe. Everyone has different thoughts, feelings, behaviors, desires, beliefs, experiences and perceptions. Our defeats and achievements, our strengths and weaknesses, our interests and passions, our personalities and idiosyncrasies vary. So why are we surprised or disappointed when there is conflict?
Relationship conflict — and a new perspective
Relationships can be very messy. No doubt about it. And what can significantly reduce the quality of a partnership or marriage are power struggles and subtle disapprovals that come from differences. Don’t roll in the mud, discover how to handle differences supportively and conflicts quickly!
Conflict is a natural part of life. What is unnatural is our response to conflict.
Many times our response to conflict is to try to change our partner to fit our own views and set of values. We like to be right, don’t we? Could it be that pressure (rather than our differences) is what creates the conflict?
Perhaps if we tried to explore, understand, and honor our partner’s differences as madly as we tried to prove ourselves right or change their behavior and habits, there would be very little conflict.
Related reading: Relationship Advice: How to Handle Differences for a Successful Relationship
Let’s face it, it’s impossible to change anyone but ourselves. One of our most important jobs in any relationship is to build a bridge between two very different universes so that love flows and expands every day.
Every moment is a choice for love.
Yes, love is a choice. Love is action. What if we sought to support our partner and encourage them to grow and reach their full potential even as we obsess and complain about their mistakes? An important key in relationships is to focus on the positive and highlight all the good and kind things they do instead grumbling – subtly or overtly – about their idiosyncrasies that annoy us.
Deep dive: “Interruption, decline, and the role of successful communication in relationships.”
Love the one you are with
There is a song by songwriter, Stephen Stills, about “love the one you’re with” and a second similar lyric by Shania Twain about “dancing with the one who brought you”.
The message in both songs is clear. Love the one you’re with right now whether you’re committed or just dancing. And when you’re doubting the relationship because it’s getting rough, roll up your sleeves and answer the questions below. Asking yourself these (or similar questions) will help you remember what’s really important to you.
By taking a minute to reassess and shift your feelings, you’ll gain a better understanding of your partner and a greater appreciation for their differences.
Love and communication: Simple secrets to understand your partner
When you hear yourself saying, “Why can’t I…”, stop yourself and ask what it is that you want.
Chances are, what you want (perhaps a tidier or more motivated partner, or a frugal partner for greater financial security) isn’t as important right now as the relationship you cherish and the love you have for your partner. Take some time to change and put things right.
When you start arguing with your partner, stop asking yourself, “Do I want to be FAIR or do I want to be CLOSE?”
You can’t have both. No one likes to be wrong, but we often get so caught up in what we want or believe that we forget to listen and seek to understand our partner’s perspective, needs, and desires. Take some time to open the conflict. Recognize that each of us needs to build bridges with one another, especially in love and marriage.
When you get frustrated because your partner isn’t doing what you expected, ask yourself, “Did we really have an agreement?”
Did you force them to go along with what you wanted? Or maybe, your relationship expectations are letting you down. Expectations are often hidden until we are disappointed. Let your expectations go or get them out in the open and see if your partner is along. Have an open dialogue and gain a greater understanding of what is important to both of you.
When you feel misunderstood and start to doubt how much your partner really cares about you, ask yourself, “Is it true?
Then turn your attention to the ways they care about you (trust me, there will be many.) Ask yourself, “What are the other ways he shows me he cares that I might be missing?” Find these ways to care and keep them safely in the forefront of your mind. (No one “always” or “never” does anything!)
Turn angry complaints into actions for closeness.
When you’re angry because your partner seems more connected to Facebook, the TV, or the iPad than to you, ask yourself, “Have I been ignoring him lately?” If so, decide it’s time to spend some time together. Plan it and invest in each other.
Many times when we are bothered by our partner’s behavior, we have a responsibility to give WHAT we want from our partner. Make sure you match the love you want!
Love doesn’t just happen. It must be cultivated daily.
So the next time your relationship seems more difficult than it’s worth, dig deep and then identify and remember what’s really important to you.
Seek to understand rather than change the person you love.
Resolve conflicts until there is understanding, (especially recurring ones), honor your partner’s differences, and find how the gifts of their unique qualities strengthen your relationship. Finally, explore what their characteristics can teach you.
Then relationships blossom and every conflict becomes just another opportunity for understanding and closeness.
