A member posted this message on DGS Facebook Group Pageon second marriage after 50:
What topics should you and your partner discuss before considering a second marriage after 50? I have read articles but they are all about a first marriage when you are young. I would like topics to make sure we discuss at this stage in our lives. We are both 50, both have careers and both have grown children.
Here is my advice:
Second marriage after 50! Wow! Isn’t that great? Just a few years ago, you figured it out divorced, and I probably never dreamed of a second marriage. So there you have it: excited, giddy, and happy, but I have to believe that every divorcee enters a second marriage with some skepticism, some degree of fear, and on a positive note: a lot more wisdom.
Many divorced couples find a happy, healthy romantic relationship and stay in it for years and years without feeling the need to remarry. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that, and if others start pressuring you, just smile and say, “We’re very happy.”
But let’s say you now have a ring on your finger and the second marriage is imminent. Let me answer my reader’s question and address what issues you should discuss before returning to marriage.
Here are 5 things to discuss with your partner before remarrying after 50:
1. Finances.
I would have to say that finances are the number one thing to discuss when going into a second marriage after 50. First, sit down and have a detailed discussion – no matter how uncomfortable, about who is paying for what. What happens if someone loses their job or can’t work? Having all the details worked out before the wedding will take all the pressure off and avoid any surprises and/or potential disagreements.
“What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” is a very bad attitude in a second marriage after 50. Once you have a somewhat awkward conversation, everyone knows what to expect and enters the marriage without unrealistic expectations.
2. The children – no matter how old they are.
What if Joey (who is 27 years old) has to go back home for a few months? Is the other person okay with this? What if Jenny wants to have dinner with her dad once a week without you? Will it work for you? Children, no matter how old they are, sometimes have problems with stepparents. You have to be ready for this and know that in marriage that life, when it comes to his/her children, may not always be rosy.
Remember that when you marry him, you marry the children. If you truly love him/her, you will put up with the occasional misbehavior that children can display and appreciate them for who they are, without unrealistic expectations.
3. The household.
Who does the cooking? Who cleans? Are you okay with his wet towels on the floor? What can you ABSOLUTELY not tolerate? Tell him now or shut up forever! Actually, this is not good advice. When you move in together, if something bothers you, tell him right away in a nice way. Don’t let things fester and create resentment.
Also, who does what jobs? Finally, discuss what your daily life will be like. Tell her now if you think you need some alone time after dinner or over the weekend. Remember that the new will disappear and you will marry the real him or her. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just reality.
4. Retirement.
The pension debate is huge! Does he know when you want to retire? Do you have that idea of moving to Florida in a few years? If so, you better bring it up before the wedding, so in case he says “Let’s move to Arizona” and you hate the extreme heat, you won’t find yourself in a relationship that is geographically undesirable! Also, it is important to share retirement funds. Knowing how much each person has in their retirement savings will help you know where you stand.
Next, you need to talk about who will support who and if you’re okay with that. Also, what happens if one of you gets sick or gets to the point where you need full-time help (meaning a caregiver)? Many couples decide to take out long-term care insurance that will pay for a caregiver or for the person to live in an assisted living community. It’s a horrible thought, but you better be prepared!
5. Will and estate planning.
Perhaps the most uncomfortable conversation to have is the one about your death. But, it is also very very important! First of all, both people getting married must have an informed will and trust. This is a fact! Second, let’s say you move into your new spouse’s house and his name is on the deed. You may want to draw up a deed on him that allows you to live in the home for the rest of your life if he dies first. It’s okay if you both decide to leave everything else separate for each of your children. But, it’s a conversation that needs to be had. Helpful tip: have the conversation over a glass or two of wine and make it positive. Remember that preparation is everything!
In closing, the case for second marriage after 50 is strong. There are tax benefits, insurance benefits, and social security and pension plan benefits. Also, God forbid one gets sick and/or hospitalized, the other can make medical decisions that someone who is just a girlfriend or boyfriend can’t.
I’m a big fan of second marriages after 50, IF (and that’s a big IF) the situation is right, the timing is right, and people are getting married for all the right reasons.
How do you know if you’re getting married for the right reasons? Ask yourself these 10 things:
1. Does this person make me happy 97% of the time?
2. Does he respect me and vice versa?
3. Are we having fun together?
4. Is this relationship easy?
5. Do I like him or her?
6. Do I love him?
7. Do I like myself when I’m with him?
8. Do I trust him?
9. Would I take care of him in sickness and vice versa?
10. Do I want to grow old with him?
If you can answer yes to all of these, then you are with the right person, whether you have a ring on your finger or not.
