Temptations come in all sizes and shapes (No, we’re not just talking about cheating here)…
And that, if you acted, would feel so good (at least in the moment) but would be so damaging to yourself, your relationships, or your marriage.
The fact is, we all have ways of acting that can destroy our relationships, and the problem is that even though we may NOT want to fall into these habits, we are tempted to do so anyway.
The crazy thing is that we do it over and over and then wonder why our relationship or marriage is the way it is….
Here are some of those relationship temptations…
1. Playing the ‘Gotcha’ game.
The ‘Gotcha’ game is when the two of you try to prove each other right and you are right. It’s a struggle for control.
This game results in both of you withdrawing from each other – either after escalating, angry words or superior, sarcastic, snide remarks. You end up punishing each other with stony silence that can last for hours, days or weeks.
It’s really tempting to keep playing the ‘Gotcha’ game because it just feels so good to be right and make someone else wrong right now, even if it’s someone you love.
But it is one of the most destructive “games” you can play unconsciously or even consciously to satisfy your needs.
2. Get caught up in the negative story
We all love drama, and a negative story can be much more exciting to experience than a positive one – even if it kills our relationships.
This does not mean that what happened to you should be minimized or ignored and buried.
Done.
But when you relive the negative story over and over again, you dwell on that story rather than the possibility of the present moment.
When you stay in your story, you miss the intimacy and connection that can happen when you’re open to something new that’s happening right now and not stuck in the past.
3. Taking each other for granted
It can be very tempting to take your partner for granted in part because our culture tells us it’s normal in a long-term relationship to do so.
It can be very tempting to justify habitual, rude behavior by justifying it as one woman told us after overhearing her being rude on the phone –
“I can treat him that way – he’s my husband.”
When you don’t say “thank you” or just assume without asking, you miss a beautiful opportunity for intimacy and connection.
It can be very tempting not to treat someone else with respect if you don’t feel like you’re getting anything back.
But all it does is make things worse between the two of you and hide the real issue that has been buried.
Okay, so why are we all tempted to act in certain ways even though you know your actions aren’t good for your relationship?
We do it out of habit.
We do it because we have amnesia for results.
We do it because this behavior is familiar and because it feels comfortable in a strange way.
We do it because doing something else can seem scary and uncertain, even though our normal behavior produces the same negative result over and over again.
Of course, there are many other ways that temptations appear in relationships – such as flirting or interacting inappropriately with someone who is not your partner.
Whatever these temptations are in your life, it’s helpful to stand back and realize what’s really happening and why.
So what can you do to avoid falling into these relationship temptations that can wreak so much havoc in your life?
First…
Identify the behaviors you are tempted to do that you know are not moving you in the direction you want to go.
It may be specific situations that tempt you.
It may be specific actions of other people that provoke you.
It may be stories you play in your head that keep you hooked.
Whatever it is, realize what is leading you down this path.
Next...
Consider what you want above all else and challenge your desire to act in old, unhealthy ways.
If you want a relationship full of love, remember that this is what you want. Break your pattern and ask yourself if what you are about to do will get you closer or further away from what you want.
You will also want to…
Learn how to communicate to ask for what you want instead of complaining about what you want but can’t get.
If you’re repeatedly focusing on what’s wrong, how bad it was or is – or if you’re making yourself wrong every step of the way…
The results in your life will not change.
It starts with empowering yourself to take the right action instead of your usual action.
Don’t be tempted to keep doing what didn’t work in the past.
Be brave enough to try a few different ways to move towards what you want.
