What kind of partner would you build?…
I previously started revealing why we hide from others in my blog The Masks We Must Wear. Now that we know what we do to protect ourselves and how we present ourselves, I’d like to explore what finding a partner means to you. Let’s start with what you’re looking for in a potential partner. For many of you, it might be easier to make a list of things you know you don’t want than what you’re looking for in a potential partner… and we can start from there.
Many people often do not know how we are attracted to our partners, and that most of it is one unconscious edit, process. Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt, states that we are attracted to both the positive and negative characteristics of our primary caregivers, and we look for these same characteristics in our potential partners. This explains why when we find our partners, we often feel “at home” with them, as they seem familiar to us.
As humans, we are hardwired for connection, and within relationships we grow and learn both about ourselves and our partners as we continue to make sense of the world around us. We essentially hire our partner to be the person who causes our trauma and is also the very person who can help us heal from those triggers. This is the beginning of the work we do as Imago Relationship Therapists, and why I love the work I do. In addition to my Advanced Imago Certification, I am trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Encounter Centered Couples Therapy, Analytic Couples Therapy, Couples Preparation/Enrichment and am working towards a PhD in Clinical Sexology. Well… it seems I specialize in relationships and sexual health and am dedicated to helping others find fulfilling and safe relationships of their own.
Now that I’ve given you a little look at the unconscious choice of a partner, let’s turn to the conscious factors we can control. When you list the features or qualities you’re not looking for, do you find a list that can stretch to two to three pages? If so, that’s no surprise. Why is it harder to determine what you’re looking for?
We don’t like to be limited or sometimes we believe that we can change and adjust our way of thinking or that the other person might be willing or able to do the same for us. Time and again in my practice, I see so many struggling to transform into something they think their partner would find more attractive or trying to change their partner’s ideas.
If you are more intent on changing the other person than changing the way you interact with or think about that person, you may be trying too hard. That’s why figuring out what you’re looking for is critical to finding happiness in your future relationships.
Oftentimes, we only know what you’re not attracted to, but that doesn’t limit things or give you anything specific in the dating realm. I’m here to tell you: we can’t change other people – it’s futile, and although you may make them see it temporarily, things will inevitably revert to their default nature.
So think about the things that are important to you, but start with things that aren’t natural. What?? Did I just ask you to put away that long list you’ve had for so long? I really did!
Focus on things that have nothing to do with a person’s physical characteristics. It is necessary to focus on where are you looking for. What would you do with this partner if you were drawing the picture for yourself six months later, a year later?
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How would you feel around this person?
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What do you admire most about the person you’re with?
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Is it vital that they are family oriented?
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That they have a bad sense of humor?
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That they are confident, loyal or kind?
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Are they career oriented or focused on building a life together with you?
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Is your ideal partner career oriented or an ambitious and highly motivated individual? If so, are you okay with the fact that they may have limited availability for you?
Think about how some things on this wish list might realistically appear.
So be careful to weigh the pros and cons. Ask yourself honestly and carefully how these qualities might manifest in a partnership. Another typical example can be humor. You may enjoy laughing with your partner, but you’re okay with seeing your partner be silly or irresponsible when you’re clear and focused.
Sometimes the very specific traits that attract you to others are the things that you can’t safely express about yourself, so you can become frustrated or cut off from your partners in the long run if you’re not aware of how some of these may be playing out. dynamics between you and your partner.
If you’re not well prepared, it can leave your head spinning like The Exorcist if you’re not careful. Take some time with this exercise to consider the qualities and traits you would most admire or need in a partner, and put them in your top 5. I didn’t say it would be easy!
Also, list one to two absolute negotiators, meaning that if these qualities were displayed in this person, you would be completely frustrated and uninterested in pursuing a relationship! Yes, just two… now distill your top 5 down to your top 3-4 qualities and now you have the core values of what you look for in a partner. Harder than you thought, right?
I could give you endless examples, but here are a few that I haven’t already mentioned:
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Responsible
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Supportive
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Altruistic
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Development orientation
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Health conscious
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Independent
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Spiritual/Spiritual
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Transparent
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Motivated
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Compassionate
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Not critical
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Team player
Of course, being the therapist that I am, I wouldn’t want to overlook how much sexuality can affect the relationship. It can be a problematic issue for some.
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Do you want someone who is physically affectionate?
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How often do you like to be touched or not touched?
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Are words more exciting to you than physical touch?
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How much sex would you like to have?
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How overwhelming/compulsory would the sex be?
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Would you be better suited with someone who is more conservative or more on the assertive side of expression?
If you are currently in a relationship, does your partner have the qualities you have identified and what qualities do you have that your partner might be looking for? Do they agree with each other’s values? If you’re single and looking, how do you focus on what you really want in a relationship versus what you’re willing to compromise? We all deserve to have fulfilling relationships where we can grow and learn about our partners and ourselves. We cannot learn how to grow on our own, but through relationships we learn through experience and hopefully gain insight into who we are and who we want to be in our relationships.
Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust and healthy communication in their relationships and offerings online counseling focused on couples therapy & marriage counseling, individual treatment, premarital counselingand intimacy and sexual therapy in San Diego and throughout California. Book a free 15-minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy a Reality!
