Marriage is more than just a union of two people, it is a sacred commitment that should help us grow spiritually, thus bringing us closer to Allah.
However, like any important relationship, marriages can face challenges that require our care and attention. Ignoring these challenges can lead to marital dissatisfaction and, in extreme cases, even divorce.
Throughout our journey of supporting Muslim couples, my wife Victoria and I have encountered five common challenges that often arise within marriages. Understanding these challenges and actively working to overcome them enables us to take proactive measures to strengthen the very foundations of our union, insha’Allah.
Now, let’s explore these challenges in detail.
1. Ineffective Communication
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a thriving marriage. However, it extends beyond simple conversation.
While speaking may come naturally, genuine communication requires conscious effort. It involves expressing our thoughts and feelings in a clear, open and honest manner. Developing effective communication skills is an achievable goal for anyone willing to invest the necessary time and effort. Unfortunately, many couples face challenges in their marriage due to a lack of basic communication skills.
A valuable technique to enhance communication is the use of “I” statements. By using “I” statements, you can articulate your thoughts and feelings from a personal perspective, fostering understanding and reducing conflict.
For example, consider the following scenario: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” which can come across as accusatory and defensive, using an “I” statement would entail saying, “I feel like I’m not being heard when I share my thoughts and experiences.”
This change in language encourages an environment of open dialogue, allowing your partner to empathize with your feelings and creating a safe space for constructive communication. By directing the focus to your own experiences and feelings rather than placing blame, “I” statements facilitate a deeper understanding between you and your spouse, ultimately strengthening your marriage bond.
By adopting this approach and focusing your communication on expressing thoughts and feelings clearly, respectfully, and constructively, you can avoid the pitfalls of guilt, criticism, and defensiveness that tend to escalate conflict. Equipping yourself with effective communication tools empowers your marriage to face challenges and fosters a climate of understanding and growth.
2. No Vision of Marriage
The importance of discussing and creating a shared vision of an ideal marriage cannot be overstated. It is alarming to realize how many couples have never engaged in such discussions.
While many of us may have personal visions for our individual lives that span one, three, or even five years, why not the same for our marriages? Without a shared vision, couples risk drifting apart, living separate lives and lacking a sense of unity and purpose in their relationship.
To build a shared vision of marriage, collaboration and compromise are key. Recognize that both partners bring unique perspectives and experiences to the table. Take the time to really listen to each other’s views and try to find common ground.
It is essential to be open to adapting your individual visions in order to create a shared vision that satisfies the aspirations of both partners. Embrace the spirit of teamwork and remember that the shared vision is a joint effort that reflects the hopes and dreams of both of you.
A helpful starting point for creating your wedding vision is to use a template like the one provided here. This template can serve as a guide to spark meaningful conversations and help articulate your shared goals, values, and aspirations as a couple. By engaging in this process, you are laying the foundation for a marriage based on a shared purpose and a clear direction for the future.
3. Emotional Disconnection
When the focus of a marriage shifts solely to meeting practical needs, such as paying the bills, doing the shopping, and raising the children, the emotional connection between partners can suffer. It is critical to prioritize emotional intimacy, cultivating a bond that transcends the responsibilities of everyday life.
To deal with emotional disconnection, an effective approach is to consciously spend quality time with each other, without distractions. This time should be dedicated to truly connecting on an emotional level that extends beyond the realm of simply watching your favorite shows on Netflix.
Engage in activities that both partners enjoy and that foster open communication and vulnerability. Create opportunities for deep conversations where you can freely share your thoughts, feelings and dreams with each other. By actively prioritizing emotional intimacy, you can work to rebuild connection and closeness that may have been lost.
For example, consider going for a leisurely walk together, enjoying a picnic in nature, or engaging in a shared hobby or interest. During these moments, consciously put aside distractions like phones or other electronic devices, allowing you to focus fully on each other. Take turns actively listening and validating each other’s feelings and experiences. By creating a safe and supportive environment for open communication, you foster emotional intimacy and strengthen the emotional bond within your marriage.
Remember that emotional intimacy requires constant effort and investment from both partners. By prioritizing and nurturing emotional connection, you lay the foundation for a deeper and more fulfilling marriage where both partners feel heard, understood, and loved.
4. Lack of trust
Trust acts as the fundamental pillar of any relationship and its importance remains unchanged in the context of marriage. Ignoring signs of mistrust within a marriage can gradually erode its very foundations, leading to resentment and anguish.
Trust is not freely given. it must be earned through honesty, keeping promises, and maintaining open communication with each other. Building trust requires a conscious effort to follow through on commitments, both in word and deed. Consistency over time creates a sense of security and reassures your spouse that they can count on you.
For example, if you promise to be home by a certain time, make sure you keep that promise. Show up and be present, showing that your words are aligned with your actions. When your partner confides in you, keep their trust by keeping their thoughts and feelings confidential. By consistently demonstrating trustworthiness and being accountable for your actions, you actively contribute to restoring trust and cultivating a healthy trusting relationship.
Remember, confidence is not a one-time achievement, but an ongoing process. It requires effort and dedication from both partners. Through consistent honesty, trustworthiness, and open communication, you can strengthen the foundation of trust in your marriage, cultivating a deeper sense of security and intimacy between you and your spouse.
5. Unresolved conflict
Nobody likes conflict. Correctly?
However, it is important to note that conflict is inevitable in a marriage. According to Gottman, the approach to dealing with conflict in healthy and happy relationships is gentle. Partners are trying to soften the way they report issues that bother them.
Ignoring signs of unresolved conflict can have a negative effect on the atmosphere within a marriage. Pushing aside disagreements or avoiding necessary discussions can lead to the accumulation of resentment and gradual emotional distance between couples. Therefore, it is important to deal with conflicts in a way that not only resolves them but also strengthens the bond between partners, leaving them feeling closer as a couple.
When conflicts arise, actively listening to your spouse’s perspective is essential. It is important to make a genuine effort to understand their feelings and needs, avoiding interrupting or becoming defensive. Instead, showing empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and validating their feelings creates a safe space for effective communication. This approach allows both partners to express their thoughts and concerns without judgment, paving the way for conflict resolution and finding mutually acceptable solutions.
In conclusion, it is never too late to reassess and take action to deal with conflict within a marriage. In this way, we can protect the sanctity of our unions and foster an environment of love, allowing us to experience the countless blessings of a harmonious union, insha’Allah. It is important to remember that no marriage is perfect and challenges will arise. However, with the right mindset, skills, and commitment to continuous improvement, we can overcome these obstacles and come out stronger and more united as a couple.
Through seeking guidance from Allah and working with our partners, we can cultivate a love that not only endures but thrives, insha’Allah. May our marriages be blessed with love and understanding.
May our marriages be blessed with love, understanding and unwavering commitment to draw closer to Allah, ameen.
