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Our research on Why men and women say no to sex found that 11% of men say no because of premature ejaculation and another 11% say no because of erectile dysfunction. There is probably some overlap, but basically one in five men don’t have or limit sex because of these problems. This makes me very sad.
I have studied these subjects for three decades. I know that both issues present challenges, but I also know that neither should prevent a couple from having a mutually satisfying sex life. Today I will discuss erectile difficulties and next week they will peak very quickly. Even if you’ve never had an erection problem, I urge you to take a look at the following so you can find out if there ever is.
Erectile Dysfunction, aka Meaning, aka “Why are you doing this, baby?!“
He says yes, but your penis says no. great embarrassment, great embarrassment. Some guys would rather go without than risk falling short. Many turn to masturbation, leaving their wives confused and hurt. PLEASE don’t just give up on your sex life. there are solutions. First, let’s see why this happens:
- Temporary: Drugs and alcohol can reduce your ability to get hard. Stress and fatigue can do the same. Emotional issues can also do this, especially relationship issues. If the problem occurs suddenly, one of these is likely the cause. If you don’t tell your lady why you think it’s happening, she’ll probably blame herself. BTW, if she’s hot and bothered, at least offer to take care of her with your hand or mouth. And see below for orgasm without erection.
- Medical Issues: These generally happen gradually, although you may miss the early signs. Your erections get weaker and weaker until you’re not strong enough to penetrate or you can’t stay hard enough to complete intercourse. Most of the medical causes of ED is things that can kill youand erectile dysfunction may be the only warning sign you have. The message here is, if your erectile dysfunction can’t be linked to anything listed above or below, take it as a strong warning bell telling you to see a doctor before you make your wife a widow. If I scare you, fine. this is serious.
- Testosterone: This is the first thing most men think or hear from a boyfriend, but it’s actually not a common topic. Unless your T levels are very low, they are not going to affect your erections. Low T levels usually end your desire for sex before your erections end, so if you want it and can’t get hard enough, it’s probably not testosterone. Regardless, checking for this is part of what a doctor is going to look at after ruling out things that will kill you.
- Age: Recent studies say impotence is not an inevitable part of aging. It has more to do with erectile-killing conditions becoming more common with age. That said, age changes the way our bodies react sexually, and some men misunderstand these changes and what they mean. When we were young, just the thought of sex meant an immediate, full erection that would stay with us until we completed the act of sex. With age, all this changes. We don’t get an erection as quickly, we don’t reach a full erection as quickly, and we may not reach what we once knew as 100%. It takes more than a “yes” or a little nudity to get us hard, and most men will eventually need manual penile stimulation to get hard enough for sex. Additionally, erections tend to depilate and shrink much more as we age. You may get up early and then lose most or all of your erection during foreplay. Or you might get hard and soft several times during foreplay. None of this is a problem. it’s just the new normal.
- Portliness: Excess weight withers erections. This can mean less difficult or not difficult at all. Being obese approximately doubles the odds of disability, and BMI predicts ED more accurately than age. Losing weight will help. More exercise will help even without weight loss.
- Pornography: There are a growing number of reports of men who can only get an erection when using porn. Before the internet, most men couldn’t get enough porn to have this problem, but now there is an unlimited amount of porn of all kinds. The brain just can’t deal with it and after a while, it becomes hard to get an erection without some new porn image. The solution to this is to go cold turkey – no more porn, period. It takes 30 to 60 days for the brain to reset and have erections off porn.
On the other hand, porn can mask another issue. The arousal factor of porn can get you hard where other things can’t. This is generally a short-term “fix”. As the condition worsens, even porn will not make your penis stand out.
What can you do about it?
- Viagra® and other such drugs can help most men. If you go with pills, you may be able to keep your costs down by taking the higher dose and cutting the pills in half (you can get a splitter online to cut odd-shaped pills). You can also save a lot by getting generic versions from Amazon Pharmacy. Note: Viagra® takes time to work and only lasts a short time. Cialis® is good for up to 36 hours so you can have sex whenever you want.
- If you can get an erection but then lose it or have only a partial erection, a penis ring it might be all you need. DO NOT use any kind of ring for more than half an hour.
You can have intercourse without an erection using a support rod system such as The Elator, which stretches the penis and leaves the head uncovered. It seems strange, but I have talked to men who have used it and found it to be a great solution.- ONE vacuum pump will give an erection to every man who has a pulse – while the pump chamber remains in place. If you use a pump to get an erection, a compression ring will keep your penis in an erect position. This results in an erection from the body to the outside, whereas a normal erection is the entire penis, including the half inside the body. Without the root being erect, the penis will rotate where it joins the body. Some men find this a problem, many don’t.
Sex without an erection is an option. You can please her in a number of ways and she can bring you to orgasm without an erection. Oral sex is especially good, but with practice, she can learn to climax with her hands as well. A strong vibrator will also work, or get atmosphere which wraps around the head of the penis.- Pseudo-ejaculation is a quasi-sexual act that can be performed with a partial erection. You lie on your back, legs together. she lifts you up as if you were going to mingle with her from above. Your penis is on your body, pointing towards your chin so that the underside is exposed. It is positioned so that your penis makes contact with her vulva, between her outer labia. It then either pushes against you (as if pushing), or slides up and down the length of your penis. With her clit rubbing against the most sensitive part of your penis, you both can climax. Changing the point of contact and the amount of movement will change the intensity of stimulation for each of you, making it possible to orgasm around the same time. The mock lesson is more than just physically enjoyable. It can provide the emotional connection that many feel is missing from manual or oral sex.
The bottom line is don’t let embarrassment and fear rob you and your wife of a great sex life. I’ve talked to a few men who said they had better sex after becoming impotent because it forced them to really talk about sex and think about what they could do. Even if you’re willing to turn down sex, you owe it to your wife to find a way to make it happen. Erectile dysfunction changes gender, but it only ends your sex life if you choose for it to happen.
[This post first appeared July 21, 2012.]
Image credit: © Antonioguillem | stock.adobe.comMarried Dance, & The Elator
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