My husband has no friends or hobbies is a statement I hear so often from unhappily married women and women who are she is thinking about divorce.I am told that the husband is antisocial, not interested in making plans with other couples or going to parties or events.
First, to the antisocial husband (or the person whose wife says, “My husband has no friends or hobbies,” you might not think this is a big problem. You might think, “I’m a good husband and father, I don’t cheat, I’m not mean or abusive and I’m a good provider financially. In other words, I’m a good person! Why does my wife keep nagging me about going out with other couples and at parties?”
While you may be all these great things, and a really good, loving, kind person, if never wanting to go out and do things is a problem for your husband, then it’s a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed. to be confronted.
That being said, I wanted to emphasize that being anti-social and not having friends or hobbies is not a flaw.
It is not something that is poor quality or something to be ashamed of. It may be a sign that the person is depressed or has some other problems, but it may not be either. BUT, if it causes a problem in the marriage, then it is a problem.
Let me begin my advice by speculating about what I believe might be going through the antisocial person’s mind:
“I have all these kids around me and I love them, but it’s just constant chaos. When the kids finally go to bed, I have no desire to get dressed and go out with my wife and her friends and their husbands and sit there and make small talk. I just want to veg out in front of the TV and have some peace and quiet. I don’t want to go to a couple’s party and make polite conversation. I do this at work 5 days a week.’
Now let me tell you what goes through the minds of other spouses:
“I still want to date my husband. I want to see how hot he looks dressed up and I want to be a couple at parties. I want us to have fun together without the kids. I want to come home late at night, pay the babysitter and have great sex. I want it to be like when we were a childless couple, with the advantage of having children in the morning.’
I also want to add that when one spouse doesn’t have friends or hobbies, the other person can feel pressured—like not being able to leave to go do things, or feeling guilty about going out when the spouse stays home. These feelings really need to be conveyed in the relationship.
I want to move on to something I sometimes see happen in couples with this disconnect. After months (and sometimes years), the socialite is tired of begging his wife to go out, so she starts going out to parties on her own. He also starts going out with girlfriends. Eventually, she finds herself in a bar and meets a man and begins a relationship. Before you know it: breakup is followed by divorce.I’m probably scaring people right now and I don’t want to do that. Not everyone with an antisocial spouse ends up cheating and running away, but disconnection could pave the way for that path in some cases.
Here’s the good news. In many cases, couples who have this problem can fix it. Here’s how.
In any marriage or relationship, there are compromises. Things we tell ourselves we will do to make the other person happy. Things we will put up with because we love so many other things about that person. Things we do because we love the person so much that we want to make them happy, and if that means giving of ourselves, we just do it. Because that’s what you do for someone you love and are devoted to.
On a very important side note, there are also things that people should not be expected to tolerate: abuse, excessive alcohol or drug use, cheating, etc.
So back to the tips. Relationships are basically constant negotiations, kind of like a business. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but if you want your business to thrive, you make good decisions, just like if you want your marriage to thrive.
So if your wife wants to go out with you one night every week or every other week, do it for HER. In this way, you are making a conscious choice that you want your relationship to be healthy and thrive. Now, here’s the second part of this tip: try to have fun. Try to enjoy it. Somewhat. Don’t date her and then resent her and be mean. Let go and just enjoy making your wife happy.
I realize it’s not that simple and that people who are antisocial can feel awkward and uncomfortable and therefore start to feel anxious if they know they’re going to a social event. I totally understand and would highly recommend talk therapy, meditation and other relaxation techniques to try and overcome some of the stress and fear of being social.
Also, maybe the antisocial person could have a say in who the two of you date. You might start by surrounding him or her with people they feel comfortable with. Let them choose the double date. Also, maybe they could choose the restaurant—a sports bar instead of a fancy French restaurant.
And maybe the person who is antisocial could tell his wife what he wants. Maybe after a couples dinner the next day, the couple can watch something on Netflix or spend the day at the beach, just the two of them. Remember, both people have to be givers in the relationship.
Another tip. ASK for whatever you want. DON’T ask and then get resentful because the other person didn’t give you what you wanted. If you don’t come out and ask, the person can’t read your mind.
If your situation has become really hopeless, in other words you don’t know what to do about your antisocial spouse, tell him these words:
“Right now, I really care about us and the survival of our relationship. I want us to be happy. You care? Because you don’t give me any signs that you care. I don’t want to stop caring. I’m begging you to help me save us. Going out may seem silly to you, but I enjoy it and think it’s important to our relationship. Please cooperate with me. Tell me what you want from me and I will do it. I love you. DON’T let me stop caring.”
Remember to empathize with your spouse and remember that the person is not acting this way to hurt you. If he or she won’t change, it’s not because they don’t want to change or because they don’t care or love you, maybe they’re just too scared or don’t know how to change. Therapy can be very helpful for these types of situations.
When someone feels that “my husband has no friends or hobbies”, it is very sad for both people. Empathizing with each other’s points of view, trying to give to each other, and being committed to making the relationship work are the keys to staying together.
