My husband cheated on me with a man and I don’t even know how to react. You hear about married men cheating with women, but catching my husband cheating with another man? It feels like a double whammy. I found the text messages on his phone. He swears it was one night, a stupid mistake fueled by work stress and that he feels cut off from me. Part of me wants to believe him, for our daughter’s sake. But the other part feels so betrayed, like everything I thought I knew about him and our marriage is a lie.
Does that mean he’s gay? Or is he just bisexual? I can’t believe I never knew she was attracted to men. If he hid this huge thing from me, it makes me wonder what else I don’t know about him. How can I even consider staying with him after this? It feels like a worse kind of cheating in a way. My daughter is my biggest worry. How can I handle this situation with the least damage to it?
Answer:
Cheating alone is devastating and painful. The issue of your spouse’s sexuality further complicates matters, as you may feel as if you never really got to know him. The simple act of seeing these texts on his phone can be traumatic in itself.
It would be best if you could seek marriage counseling for both of you as there may be many nuances to uncover which can only be done on a case-by-case basis. Marriage counseling can also help you figure out what you should or want to do next.
In addition to seeking professional help, some things to keep in mind would be:
- Let yourself be taken care of. This news must have shocked you to your core and of course it would be very painful. In such cases, it is important to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. You can do this by: making sure you watch your eating and sleeping (as much as possible), seeking support from someone you trust to be non-judgmental, and allowing yourself to feel your feelings.
- Remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Your feelings are valid.
- It would be better to set some boundaries so you can process it enough to think further. Whether it’s space and time away from your husband, or reassurance from him.
- Also consider personal therapy if marriage counseling is not an option, as therapy could help you process and sort through these complex emotions. It can also help you deal with the new uncertainty surrounding your and your daughter’s future.
- Make sure you don’t blame yourself for it. There may have been some problems in your marriage before the cheating, but these in no way justify such behavior.
There are many couples who choose to stay together and work things out after infidelity, and come out stronger on the other side. Couples who make it work have good reasons for doing so: they love each other, they love their family, and they are good friends. Reasons stemming from guilt and shame usually do not hold the marriage together and eventually lead to resentment. Keeping the marriage together also requires a lot of effort from both partners in order to rebuild trust and friendship in the relationship.
So instead of asking yourself what you need to do, ask yourself if you have it in you to rebuild your marriage and if your spouse can provide what you need to make this marriage work. Conversely, it’s also important to consider whether you can provide him with what he needs.
Your concern for your daughter is apt and completely understandable. While it’s not right or possible to completely hide from her that there are problems between her parents, there are a few things you can do to ensure her well-being through this challenging behavior.
- Encourage open communication by letting your daughter know you want to create a safe space for her and that she can ask you any questions she may have. Children are often smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for. Your daughter may have her own questions and concerns and needs a safe space to express herself with her parents.
- Consider sharing an age-appropriate explanation with her and avoid giving her too many details that might cloud her understanding. Open communication doesn’t mean you have to share every detail with her. Everything he needs to know.
- Be sure to reassure her that no matter what happens between the parents, you and your husband love her very much. In front of your daughter, it’s important to present a united front. One thing you would share in common with your husband would be concern for your daughter’s well-being. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ problems.
- Try to give her as much stability in the routine as possible. If her routine is uprooted for any reason, make sure she gets the proper attention and support from you, other family, and even her school.
- Take care of yourself to be emotionally available – take care of your daughter. If you are not well emotionally, it will shift to your child and he has done nothing to deserve this. So if it’s hard to take care of it for yourself, do it for your daughter.
- If you are still concerned, consider making an appointment with a child psychologist to address your daughter’s emotional and psychological needs.
Frequent questions
Not necessarily. Sexual orientation is complex and cannot be determined based on just one incident or behavior.
If your husband has been sexually involved with another man, it may indicate that he has some level of attraction to men, but it does not necessarily mean that he identifies as gay. People may have experiences or behaviors that do not align with their sexual orientation or identity, and there may be a variety of reasons for engaging in such behavior, including curiosity, experimentation, or other personal factors.
It’s important to have open and honest communication with your spouse about your feelings, concerns, and questions about the situation. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor knowledgeable about issues related to sexual orientation and infidelity can also be helpful in navigating this complex and sensitive topic. Ultimately, only your spouse can determine and disclose their sexual orientation and identity, and it’s important to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and respect for both yourself and your spouse.
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