Nothing is lonelier than eating with your man in silence or living under the same roof but never having the deep conversations you crave.
It’s terrible when emotional intimacy is lost like this.
I still remember how miserable this was when it happened in my house.
So how do you get back to sharing your dreams, your desires, and the details of your day?
Here’s what worked for me and may work for you.
1. Restore emotional safety
One thing that shuts down conversations quickly is when it’s not safe to say anything, for either of you.
Maybe you’re afraid he’ll blame you or shut you out, or fear you’ll micromanage or criticize him.
Neither of you feel free to be yourself, so you stay distant. It feels awful! Especially if you talked about everything and confided in each other.
So how do you restore emotional safety, especially if you’re the one who doesn’t feel safe?
You will need a superpower. At least it seemed like one early in my marriage.
Fortunately, it’s something you can develop.
This is pretty counterintuitive, I know, but the superpower for restoring emotional safety is to scan the side of the road for ways to I contributed to the problem.
Even if I was only 10% of the problem and he was 90%.
Even if I was only 1% of the problem and he was 99%.
I like to have deep conversations and silly conversations and share details about our day, so if that gets lost, I like to be able to fix it.
Once I realize what I did, I use my superpower to be able to apologize for being disrespectful, critical, or controlling.
Before I got this superpower, I thought that idea was ridiculous.
I just expected him to apologize for his part. But that got old and painful, so I decided to go first. Now I love being able to clean things myself, and it’s wild how she apologizes too.
We both got superpowers since I decided to go first.
Even if he doesn’t apologize, I don’t need him anymore. Wild too!
2. Do something that excites you
Are you doing something that lights you up and you’re so excited to talk about it?
If not, then let’s talk about it.
What’s stopping you from going on an adventure, expressing yourself creatively, or engaging in a sport that fills you with endorphins? Like you say, I don’t know, volleyball!
Ok, that’s my thing, but what’s your thing?
Because when you’re full of endorphins or pumped with excitement about bringing a creative endeavor into the world or planning an adventure, two things happen: One, you have something interesting to talk about, and two, you become more attractive because you’re so full of joy and excitement.
3. Be a great conversationalist
How do you do that; By becoming a great listener.
How do you become a great listener? It’s not as easy as it seems, speaking of superpowers.
I rely on this cheat phrase to remind myself that what I want to do is listen well: “I hear you.”
This is. I just “hear you”.
There are no “Ands” or “Buts” at the end. There are also no useful suggestions.
You are simply bearing witness, giving your man the gift of being heard and understood.
Every person needs it.
Now that you know the three ways to create emotional intimacy, which one will you try first? I’d love to hear what conversations it sparks in your home!