The blended family. It sounds so perfect. Despite all these, the brandy bunts he looked very happy, didn’t he? What the iconic seventies sitcom never showed us was that Mrs. Brady almost got on the boys’ nerves at times, and the girls would probably like to spend some alone time with just their mom — without the rest of the family . And, we’d be willing to bet there were times when one of the girls told their mother, “He can’t tell me what to do, he’s not even my real dad!” Get the picture; Blended family advantages and disadvantages are many.
We all understand the blended family. Kathryn, veteran divorce attorney she has seen her clients combine families during and after divorce. He understands the impact a blended family can have on a divorce case and on a post-divorce co-parenting relationship. Through Divorced Girl Smiling, Jackie has received emails from hundreds of people in blended families over the years asking for advice. In addition, we are both part of blended families. Catherine remarried with children over 20 years ago, and her husband also had children (and then had another child for a total of 5). Jackie has never remarried, but has had a significant other for 9 years and is definitely part of the family.
The Blended Family: Pros and Cons
What is so wonderful about a blended family is the word family. Many people who divorce mourn the loss of their “family.” Holiday traditions, Sunday dinners, movie nights and family vacations all seem to have been lost and they feel like they will never have those family traditions again. So when they meet someone and fall in love, they see the blended family as an opportunity for an end. a family but this time with the right man.
While it makes us both happy to see people with such love and happiness, do so many get frustrated when putting a family together because their excitement and the new family cloud the reality? Families are hard! And, it’s even harder when the kids aren’t technically your kids! Add in ex-spouses who can fuel the fire, sometimes things can get rough. This does not mean that you will be miserable in a blended family. It just means that if you are realistic in your expectations and plan carefully instead of expecting everything to be perfect, the transition from single parent to blended family will be much smoother and easier.
We have some combination tips for the family:
1 Have realistic expectations and an open mind. The kids probably aren’t going to embrace the new arrangement quickly, but they will adjust and eventually become a family.
2. Keep the lines of communication with your new spouse WIDE open. The hardest thing is when you feel like one spouse is nagging the other’s kids and trust us, you will feel like criticizing at times.
3. Keep the lines of communication open with your children. Invite them to tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly, and don’t try to change their minds (and tell them you love them SO MUCH).
4. Keep the lines of communication open with his/her children. Think of yourself as an uncle or aunt. Parenting can be an incredible gift or a nightmare, it’s up to you.
5. Don’t take things personally. This is tough, but remember it’s an adjustment for everyone.
6. Plan date nights with your new husband. You will need the day off.
7. Plan nights out with just your kids.
8. Plan family nights out and make them fun.
9. Try to remember how all children may feel.
10. Give space to your husband’s children. Don’t try to be their new mother/father.
11. Remember that your children are not your children, but they are part of your family.
12. Think about each family’s rules in advance — for example, if bedtime for one set of kids is 8 and the other is 11, what are you going to do about it?
13. Create opportunities for each family to bond with the other — perhaps combine them for chores or a fun activity or sport.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, and a blended family can be just as loving, fun, and close-knit as a traditional nuclear family. In our experience, it takes a lot of planning, thought, experimentation (and forgiveness), but what family doesn’t?
Katherine E. Miller is a Divorce Lawyer, who is also a certified mediator and trained collaborative divorce professional. In practice for more than 30 years and personally divorced, Miller is the founder of Miller Law Group, a boutique law firm for women with seven divorce professionals. Miller is also a director at Center for Understanding in Conflict, the organization that teaches mediation, collaborative law and other conflict resolution skills and hosts the podcast and radio show; “Divorce Dialogues.In addition, Miller is its former president Associate Professionals Association of New York. He is a graduate of Vassar College and Fordham University School of Law. Learn more: Miller-law.com.
Jackie Pilossoph is the founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, (DGS), the company that connects people facing divorce with trusted, vetted divorce professionals. DGS is also a website, podcast and mobile app. Pilossoph also created and writes the weekly dating and relationship advice column, “Love essentially,” which was published in the Pioneer Press, the Chicago Tribune and all other Tribune Publishing publications for 6 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a master’s degree in journalism from Boston University, and spent time as a broadcast reporter at KTTC in Rochester, Minnesota, as well as several years writing stories for the Pioneer Press/Chicago Tribune. Furthermore, Pilossoph was a Huffington Post blogger for 3 years.
