I look at Janissa and Karla on my screen. Their mouths are tense, they avoid eye contact, and when I ask them what’s making them sad, they say, “We’re afraid of the holidays. We end up arguing at best and not talking to each other at worst.” The other couples in the group nod in agreement. It turns out to be the most wonderful time of year (read bells and singing elves) – except for the potential negative effects on your relationship.
When I ask the couples in my online program how they bring romance, companionship, and even spice to their vacations, it’s a silent night. And that holiday angst is commonly reported – no matter what you’re celebrating or how you’re celebrating it.
In this video, I talk about the common stresses and frustrations that can arise during this busy time and what to do about it. Plus, I’m sharing some romantic date ideas to help you create some new bonding rituals and make this holiday season sexy.
I have always loved the story How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The Grinch is an angry, reclusive misanthrope who hates all the fuss, decorations, family, and festivities that come with the holidays. Most of all, he hates noise. So he vows to steal the presents, the lights, and even the party – so he can have some peace and quiet.
Does this sound a little familiar?
Now, while you may not be ready to ditch the holiday season entirely, there are some common complaints that couples report.
Common stressors during the holiday season
- Issues with extended family Holiday ads show happy, loving multi-generational families gathered around a perfectly laid table. In fact, we know that families come with stories. Too often a great evening is strained – or worse – by old unresolved issues. This can create problems between you and your partner – especially when it comes to in-laws.
- Issues around money Several couples in my group admitted that they fight about finances at this time. Genova says, “I love finding special gifts for our family and friends, hosting our neighbors for a cocktail and hors d’oeuvres party, and renting out the rink for my elementary school kids. But since I married Pierre, I feel like he’s nickel and diming my traditions” Her partner shares “For the rest of the year, we respect the budget we’ve created together. But in December? He spends three times what we can afford. And then I’m the bad guy who suggested we cut back this year”
- Issues with excessive and unrealistic expectations Another issue that comes up in the group is burnout and stress. Terry says “Every year my wife wears herself out and I end up a grumpy shell of the woman I love. I begged her to start saying no, but she wants everyone to be happy. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is happy, but we’re not.” Others share how they often feel sad and disappointed when the holidays don’t live up to their expectations.
Too often couples neglect their romantic relationship during the holidays. But I intend to reverse this unhealthy plan. I encourage couples to use the holidays as a beautiful reminder to show up with love for their partner, love them, and find ways to light them up. So, to keep you from the Grinch relationship, here are some ideas to help you put some romance and spice into your holiday celebrations this year.
Create new bonding rituals to make these holidays sexy
Our story
Take a trip down memory lane. Share memories of your first vacation together – meeting your sweetie’s family for the first time? Struggling for the perfect gift or celebration? Then share memories of your best holiday season, worst, busiest, and quietest… you get the idea. Use your smartphone and old-fashioned photo albums to help you remember.
Holiday movie night
Whether it’s The Grinch Stealing Christmas, Bruce Willis in Die Hard, or Love Actually, pick a holiday movie you’ll both enjoy. Or, make it two movies – one selection each. Prepare holiday snacks and drinks, turn off all distractions, and cuddle while you watch. Extra points; Give each other a foot massage.
Watch a live holiday performance
Maybe a choir, a play, a live band performance with a holiday theme, or even your grandchildren’s school holiday concert? This year, my husband and I have tickets to a holiday performance by the Vancouver Gay Men’s Choir and a puppet performance of The Christmas Carol. Extra points; Hold hands, kiss during the break and go for dessert afterwards and talk about some of the highlights of the past year together.
The Sexy Stocking Challenge
Create a romantic and sexy stocking stuffer or gift bag. Then, over the next few weeks, you each “secretly” write little notes, gifts, memories, special words or secrets you share, gratitude, old photos or mementos – anything that reminds you of the love you’ve shared over the years. Be sure to include a sexy element – maybe a spicy toy (I love truth or dare cards), some high-quality lube, or a special toy from Santa’s adult workshop. Open them together on Christmas morning or Hannukah or at a time that is meaningful to you.
Say What You Mean
Write a love letter. It doesn’t have to be much, and it doesn’t have to be Shakespeare. But the power of the written word is hard to beat. Tell your loved one what they mean to you, what you value and why you choose them again. You can put it in your sexy stocking or share it whenever you want… Bonus points for going on a date and sharing your letters over a romantic meal – or sharing it while naked in bed.
Give the gift of giving
The most beautiful part of the holiday season is practicing generosity for others – not only those we love, but also those that perhaps no one loves. Some ideas – Your local church, synagogue, mosque or non-profit group probably has names of families in need. Create a food and gift hamper. Volunteer together at a fundraiser or serve a holiday meal. Collect your extra coats and take them to those in need. Choose a cause you haven’t supported before and make a donation.
Prioritize your relationship
Ultimately, how we feel about the holidays is up to you. I encourage you to examine what is serving you well and what isn’t – and redesign the coming weeks to align with your top priorities. And I know your romantic relationship is a big priority. So don’t take your partner for granted.
Remember how much effort you put into romancing and attracting them during your first vacation together. And then vow to do it again this year. Maybe, just like the Grinch, you’ll see through all the fancy stuff and discover that true joy lies in just having a hand to hold. When we remember what really matters, our hearts can grow three sizes. And our love too.
